The Mechanics of Dialogue
Copyright 1999 by Leigh Michaels
The following passage is a conversation between three characters, from which the
mechanics and paragraphing relating to the dialogue have been removed. How
would you arrange the sentences and punctuate them to make the conversation clear?
There was a tentative tap on the door and Annie came in. She looked, Synnamon thought, like a kid who'd been summoned to the principal's office and didn't have the slightest idea why. You wanted to see me, Mr. Welles? Have a seat, Annie. How do you like your coffee? Annie perched on the edge of the love seat next to Synnamon. Just black, thanks. He handed her a cup and saucer. It rattled a little as she took it, and she didn't even pretend to drink. Conner settled back on the couch. Mrs. Welles has found the person she feels is just right to take over her job. Yes, sir? You. The saucer tipped alarmingly. I--Me, sir? Annie cleared her throat. Sir, I know I should jump at the chance. But I'm not sure-- Exactly, Conner said. I'm not sure, either. Annie, I have a proposition for you, if Mrs. Welles will go along with it. Warning bells went off in Synnamon's head, but before she could argue, he'd gone on. He wasn't even looking at her, but directly at Annie. I'm offering you the job as head of customer relations on a trial basis for a ninety-day period. During that time, Mrs. Welles will make herself available to you for advice and consultation. Synnamon gave him a stony stare. At the end of the trial period, Conner went on, the three of us will sit down again and decide if the plan is working. If it is, we'll make the promotion permanent. And if not, Synnamon thought, it's quite apparent whose neck will be on the line. Is that agreeable to you both? Conner asked. Then let's shake hands on it. He extended a hand to Annie, and then to Synnamon. She stood up. If that's all, Conner, Annie and I have a lot of work to do. He smiled. No particular hurry. You have ninety days, Synnamon, so surely you can take a minute to finish your coffee.
Here is the same passage as it appeared in the final version:
There was a tentative tap on the door and Annie came in. She looked, Synnamon thought, like a kid who’d been summoned to the principal’s office and didn’t have the slightest idea why. "You wanted to see me, Mr. Welles?"
"Have a seat, Annie. How do you like your coffee?"
Annie perched on the edge of the love seat next to Synnamon. "Just black, thanks."
He handed her a cup and saucer. It rattled a little as she took it, and she didn’t even pretend to drink.
Conner settled back on the couch. "Mrs. Welles has found the person she feels is just right to take over her job."
"Yes, sir?"
"You."
The saucer tipped alarmingly. "I--Me, sir?" Annie cleared her throat. "Sir, I know I should jump at the chance. But I’m not sure--"
"Exactly," Conner said. "I’m not sure, either. Annie, I have a proposition for you, if Mrs. Welles will go along with it."
Warning bells went off in Synnamon’s head, but before she could argue, he’d gone on. He wasn’t even looking at her, but directly at Annie.
"I’m offering you the job as head of customer relations on a trial basis for a ninety-day period. During that time, Mrs. Welles will make herself available to you for advice and consultation."
Synnamon gave him a stony stare.
"At the end of the trial period," Conner went on, "the three of us will sit down again and decide if the plan is working. If it is, we’ll make the promotion permanent."
And if not, Synnamon thought, it’s quite apparent whose neck will be on the line.
"Is that agreeable to you both?" Conner asked. "Then let’s shake hands on it." He extended a hand to Annie, and then to Synnamon.
She stood up. "If that’s all, Conner, Annie and I have a lot of work to do."
He smiled. "No particular hurry. You have ninety days, Synnamon, so surely you can take a minute to finish your coffee."
From THE PERFECT DIVORCE,
Copyright 1997 by Leigh Michaels
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