...THREE YEARS LATER

keeping her memories alive

If you are here because you have lost a child or know someone that has lost a child, my heart goes out to you. There is no band-aid, pill or surgeon that can fix the hurt. They can't use plastic surgery - the scar will always be there. Unfortunately, the cliche - "Time heals" - has some truth to it. I didn't want to believe that because I thought that would mean that Jessica would be forgotten. Maybe that would make it more comfortable for people. I guess I'm not into making people comfortable, because Jessica will never be forgotten - she is a part of our lives and always will be. I think of her EVERY day, and we speak of her often. Sometimes there are tears, but mostly it's sweet soft memories of the lessons that we've learned. This is the healing part that time takes care of. The jagged edges of the hole in my heart have softened now. I've been through the stages of grief - actually I thought I was going to get to sidestep the anger part until we had our last little one - that's when I got angry. I am human, and maybe these psychologist know what they are talking about. Guess I was in the denial stage when I was told about all the gobbeldie gook that I would go through.LOL Even after the acceptance of what has happened and that life goes on, the waves of sadness, anger and denial do still emerge. Maybe we get better at controlling it, or maybe the waves aren't as severe, but there still is a tide. Why am I rambling on? I hope that even if only one person reads this and is able to say - "wow, I'm not alone" or realize that it's okay if it's been 6 months or two years and the pain is still there. Everyone grieves differently - you ride your own car on this roller coaster - and that's okay.

How do you accept this (stage 5 of the grief process). FAITH - I know that I have something that many don't: My own personal guardian angel while I'm here and a brand new baby to rock when I get to Heaven. We even joke that we have to keep our acts clean now so the gates will open when our number is called. I've still got a baby to raise. I'm sure the Big Guy is doing a good job keeping an eye on her, but she'll still need her mommy when I get there. My work is not done.

With some of the money from the memorial, we built a garden in her memory. Mike put a lot of sweat and tears building retaining walls since the yard was a cleared off ravine. When I looked out the window, I knew that my little angel was still growing. We recently moved and leaving her special place was really hard. We transplanted her lilac bushes and Christmas tree and we've taken some shoots off of the perennials that are there. She will always have a garden wherever we may be. I can still look out my window and know that she is here.

a new blessing, robbed of innocence

In October of 2003 we added another sweet baby to our family. Rylee Nicole Warpehoski (named after her two sisters) joined the world on October 20, 2003 at 7:50am weighing a whopping 9 pounds 13 ounces. The pregnancy was scary for us, but somehow I knew that even though we had been through the worse possible scenario of losing a child this one would be okay and if not, we would deal with it. The pregnancy and delivery however were so different from all the others. I didn't want a boy or a girl - I wanted healthy and I would settle for alive. Is that sad? Settle for alive! Then there were the trips to Peoria, IL for the level 2 & 3 ultrasounds. There were the horrible memories of the trips from the past, as well as the anticipation of the results. One of the best days of our lives was on May 15, 2003 when we found out everything was fine with the baby. We also found out that day that she was a she. This was a strange feeling. I was really hoping for a boy - only because I wanted EVERYTHING different than the last time. I was worried that if she were a girl we'd be going down the same path. Unwarranted and untrue. How could I be disappointed that she was a girl, when I only wanted a boy because I thought that would mean "healthy". Today Rylee is a sweet little girl that, knock on wood has been extremely healthy. Not only is she healthy, but is also enjoying an overabundance of love.

A DIFFERENT CHILD
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the miles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel,
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

written by Pandora Diane Widron

This is our first family photo after Rylee's birth. Is that a halo over Rylee or did her big sister make an appearance for her big day?

Rylee knows that there is a baby named Jessie that's not here. She knows that Jessie has flowers and we send helium balloons to her whenever we can. One day, not long ago we went to our favorite balloon donator (thanks Applebees!) and decided to go to the park afterwards. We didn't think Rylee was very willing to share her balloon that day, but as soon as she saw the slide at the park she let go of the balloon and said, "here go Jessie". As I was smiling, watching through tear filled eyes the balloon making it's way to Heaven, Mike chased Rylee to the slide. What a moment!

stage 2 - the Anger

Now I just cringe when I hear a pregnant woman complaining about being tired or feeling bloated or fat. These are nothing compared to the joy and relief of having a beautiful healthy baby. When Rylee was born I didn't feel that surge of excitement that you are supposed to have. There first was a fear of getting attached, then anger - for what we missed with Jessica. It really struck when we brought Rylee home. The ride in the wheelchair to the car was so overwhelming - just 18 months before I was on that ride with no baby in my arms - did I mention the anger! Then of course are the emotions that submerge because now Rylee, who is also innocent, is being robbed of the "normal" babyizms. Oh, she's still spoiled rotten, but these are the emotions that were happening at that time.

I will be honest - I don't know where I would be if we didn't have Rylee. Each month before I got pregnant with her the anger was building. I didn't realize it until she was born. I would not be truthful if I said that it did not make me angry to know that people thought that I was okay because I had a new baby to replace the one I lost. Rylee has made the healing much easier but she in no way replaces Jessica.

where we are now

Nicole is just starting her senior year in high school. Jake is in 8th grade, the age Nicole was when Jessica was born. Jessica is a bouncy 3 1/2 year old living with our Father, and Rylee is almost two. Is it strange that I mentioned Jessica's age? Yeah, probably - is it wrong? This is the on going question that plagues all that have lost a child. I know that I had four babies, yet I only set the table for three. How do I answer "how many children do you have?" I've heard many answers, and don't like any. If I answer 4, there is the look of pity from the poor soul that asked the innocent question. If I answer 3, there's the internal surge of guilt for not acknowledging one of my children. Typically I answer with "I have a 17, 13 and almost 2 year old." I can deal better with the look of pity for having two teenagers than the other pitiful look. ;0) For some reason it doesn't seem like I'm ignoring Jessica as much by not mentioning her age then if I just say three. Does it make sense - I don't know but that is one small benefit that I am entitled to - people seem to allow you your moments of insanity - all right, sometimes I carry it a bit far.

Nicole is very active in the church right now. Something that really makes me proud. She's in the youth group as well as choir and a youth member of the
Mission Board. She's looking at colleges right now and plans on going into Sociology and social work - ideally with kids and adoption. Nicole has been in the Natural Helper program and is a member of the National Honor Society. She also works part-time at a sandwich shop and plays softball.

Jake is involved in football, baseball and track. He also plays the saxophone for the marching, jazz and regular bands at his middle school. He has never had anything less than an A- on his report card. Both he and Nicole have earned high honors at school. This year he will be involved in Confirmation class at our church.

Mike still plays golf and softball. He also is the chairperson for the Christian Education Board at our church. In his spare time he enjoys taking Jake hunting and fishing as well as spending time with us girls.

Currently I am a full time stay at home mom and I thank God that we are able to afford that luxury. I don't know how I managed working full time with the oldest two, but you do what you have to at the time. There are times when I go nuts and think that I need to get a life, but I have a life - a wonderful life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. My husband, children and extended family are everything to me. Having Jessica has given me a true appreciation for this. So please don't tell me to get over it - Jessica still has much to teach.

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