"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Unless You're the Lead Dog, The Scenery Never Changes

Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

A dog walks into a bar with a cast on his leg. The bartender says we don't serve dogs here. He said, that's ok, I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw.

What did the Farmer say when he found his dog and sheep in bed together? "Oh no, my wife and my best friend!

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? To the retail store.


A guy walks in to a bar, wearing dark glasses, and carrying a white cane. He also has a seeing-eye dog with him, and is twirling the dog around in circles, over his head!

The bartender is watching all of this, and after a minute, walks over to the guy, and asks "Can I get you anything from the bar?" The blind guy, continuing to spin the dog over his head, says "No thanks, just looking around."


A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man orders a beer for himself and a bowl of water for his dog.

The bartender looks down at the dog and says, "Hey mister, did you notice your dog doesn't have any legs?"

The man replies, "Yeah."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What's your dog's name, anyway?"

The man says, "He doesn't have a name."

"Why?" asks the bartender."

The man replies, "Well, why? If I call him, he can't come."


These two kids are sitting in a wagon pulled by their dog. A policeman happens by and sees this, and comes over to talk to the kids. He says, "You can't make your dog pull you in the wagon. That's cruelty to animals." Then he looks a little closer at the dog and sees that it has a piece of string wrapped around its balls, and that one of the kids is holding tightly to the other end. "Hey, you can't tie string to your dog's testicles," he says. "That's not humane."

One of the little kids leans over to his friend, "What are testicles??"
"Dunno. I think he's talking about the passing gear!"


Fellow walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What the hell you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"


WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Most everybody has a dog . . . and they call him "Rover" or "Spot" but I call mine "Sex".

Sex has been very embarrassing to me. Like the time I went to City Hall to renew his dog license. I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too !" Then I said, "But you see, this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me, too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets to that, my own show. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me, too." Then I told him that after I had married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

l Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning ?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.



Two policemen are walking down the street with a dog. As they pass two bums one bum says something to the other which one of the policemen over hears. He stops and starts looking at the rear end of the dog curiously. The other one asks him "what are you looking at?". He gets a reply: "I over heard that bum we just passed say to the other one: look there goes a dog with two dicks!".


A guy sitting at a bar looking sad. Another guy comes up and says "Gee, You look sad about something, what's up.

1st Guy "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend".

2nd Guy. " Wow, that's rotten, what did you say?"

1st Guy. "I told her to pack up her bags and move the hell out!"

2nd Guy. "Yeah, but what did you say to your best friend?"

1st Guy. "BAD DOG...BAAAD DOG!.



Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for WorkersAE Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was typical.



Dogs In "Doggy Hell"
1. Hitler's dog
2. The 6th Lassie, the one that mauled Timmy
3. All of the dogs from the movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven"
4. Marmaduke
5. Any dog that ever appeard on FOX
6. The 7th Lassie, the one that stopped the 6th Lassie from mauling Timmy just so she could maul him 7. Darth Vader's dog, "Princess"
8. Odie
9. The 2nd "Pluto", the one that infected Mickey with rabies
10. The Wolfman
11. The dog responsible for the Hindenberg disaster
12. The dog that cancelled "Star Trek"
13. Teen-Wolf
14. The "Monopoly" piece dog (Just visiting)
15. Al Capone's dog, "Vinny"
16. Jefferson's 1st dog, the one that wouldn't let him sign the Louisiana Purchase
17. The dog that visited a leper colony for a week and then went to an orphanage
18. 99 of the 101 Dalmations
19. Mother Teresa's dog, which was suspected of substituting non-kossier pickles for kossier ones
20. All dogs named "Frodo", "Butch", and "Hamnet"
21. The dog who put that basket of kittens where the foundation of the swimming pool was about to be layed
22. Bark Kent, Superman's dog, who told Lex Luthor that Kryptonite weakened Superman
23. The 65th Lassie, the one that took a time machine back in time and messed up everything in the space-time continuum
24. The 3rd Lassie, the one that dragged Timmy back into a burning house
25. Rin Tin Tin, who took bribes from 92 politicians, 75 lawyers, 18 teachers, and 3 Lassies, to "look the other way"
26. The Anti-Matter Lassie, the one that killed the only good Lassie, the 8th one
27. Any dog bigger than a breadbox
29. Any dog who taught himself a percussion instrument
29. The Supreme Court dog who pardoned Nixon's dog
30. Any dog who has ever appeared on an "Alpo" can
31. The 1st Lassie, the one who set fire to the director of the original "Lassie" movie
32. The 5th Lassie, the one who had Flipper caught and sold into slavery because of too much competition between them
33. The wife of the 9th Lassie, who wrote: "Lassie - Legacy of Blood"
34. The seeing eye dog who led his master into on-coming traffic
35. The 16th Lassie, the one that pulled Timmy into the bear cage during the filming of the "Timmy at the Zoo" episode of Lassie
36. The 73rd Lassie, the one that poisoned two of the original Little Rascals
37. The 22nd Lassie, who was cut into bloody thirds by the 23rd Lassie
38. The 23rd Lassie, who killed 4 of the last 98 Dalmations
38a. One by water torture...
38b. Two of them by leaving them at Oscar Wilde's house in the middle of the night
39. The 64th Lassie, the one who took part in a violent blood bath at a local Red Lobster
40. Mr. Peabody
41. The 68th Lassie, who shot the sheriff, and tied the deputy to the bumper of his squad car and drove him through a cactus patch
42. The 709th Lassie, who, in the year 2803, unleashed upon the world a disease to which no cure could be found
43. The 103rd Lassie, who unearthed the corpses of 18 of the previous Lassies
44. The 29th Lassie, who stole cherry pies from window sills in small villages
45. The 31st Lassie, who was actually a dingo and ate several small children in Australia
46. The 32nd Lassie, who enjoyed mutilating herself in front of Kindergarten children
47. The 33rd Lassie, who was only half the dog that the 66th Lassie was

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