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This Guy Wants to Know Why He Can Go Into Lowe's, Buy Some Yard Bags and Not Smell Like Smoke, Then Order a Steak in a Fancy Restaurant and Have It Smell Like a Camel |
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RON MALY Vol 3, No. 49, This, indeed, is very hard to figure. I drive to Lowe’s, a store in West Des Moines that sells such things as step ladders, paint, electric stoves, wasp and hornet killer, vacuum cleaners and garden tools. On the front doors of the store are signs that say "Smoke-Free." In other words, if some guy lights up whatever it is he lights up in the bars and restaurants he frequents in Greater Des Moines, he is told to put it out. That makes me very happy. I didn’t plan to smoke anything at Lowe’s anyway, but I’m glad I also won’t have to inhale anyone else’s second-hand smoke as I shop for what I came for—yard bags. I find the yard bags. I check out. I leave the store feeling good that my clothes, hair and lungs haven’t been attacked by smoke. Later in the day, my wife and I talk about going to a restaurant. Over the past 40-plus years, I’d say we have dined in maybe 60 percent of the restaurants in Greater Des Moines. We’ve opened some, we’ve closed some. We have found very few that don’t allow smoking. Oh, sure, we sit in the so-called "non-smoking" section, but our clothes and hair smell like smoke when we leave because that rotten stuff from the smoking section somehow doesn’t stay there. I don’t want to think what the smoke has done to our lungs. Hopefully, the chest X-rays won’t give us any bad news a few years down the road. If you ask me, it’s a hell of a note that we can each buy a $25 meal at one of this city’s better restaurants and have it smell like smoke, but be able to shop for a hot water heater at Lowe’s and breathe clean air. What a shame. Candidates for Baghdad Bureau Job I have learned through my vast network of sources that a very important job opening exists in the newspaper business.The job is Baghdad bureau chief, which happens to be a very impressive-sounding title, for the Los Angeles Times, which happens to be a very good paper. "The correspondent selected will be the lead reporter covering Iraq, for a minimum of one year," says the newspaper’s memo. "He or she will help direct a rotation of correspondents deployed to cover the multifaceted story, including continuing military skirmishes, the rebuilding of society and government, and resumption of the oil trade. "Applicants should be distinguished reporters and stylish writers, self-starters able to conceive stories and projects. They should be equally comfortable covering breaking news or analyzing it, and developing features on a wide range of topics. "The job will entail long hours, poor communications and considerable danger. Experience and the ‘street smarts’ to work in theaters of armed conflict would be an advantage. As bureau chief, the correspondent also will be responsible for organizing and running the bureau and its staff." I suggested to a guy I know—a very talented, experienced editor at a major newspaper—that he should take a shot at this job. "I think ‘taking a shot at the Baghdad bureau’ go hand in hand," he said in an e-mail. "Then again, I already live in the murder capital of the U.S., so what’s to lose? "I’m not sure what I would do in Baghdad on my days off. Maybe go to the shooting range or something." Funny guy. I think he’d fit in well in Baghdad. Alas, it appears he’s not interested in this opening. Because I try to help out as many job-seekers as possible in the news business, I have some suggestions for the Times on the person the human relations office might hire. With the full understanding that other candidates might surface each day, here is my list of highly-qualified people, ranked in no particular order of preference: M y very good friend Rob Borsellino, cheap-shot and smart-ass specialist for the local paper. [Oh, sure, you probably figured I’d nominate my very good friend first, didn’t you?] I’m sure Borsellino’s ears will perk up when he hears of this opening because he eagerly raised his hand when his boss asked for volunteers to report from Iraq during the recent war. Obviously, he thinks he’d enjoy the area. But he wasn’t picked and neither was anyone else by the too-slow-to-make-a-move local paper, which finally decided recently to send John Carlson [the right guy, I might add] to that area to do some reporting. Since he was passed over by his own paper, I’m sure Borsellino would appreciate a bigger, better paper giving him a second chance—something he never gives anyone else. Maybe he could even find something in Baghdad for the wife. [Well, on second thought, maybe not]. I realize that Borsellino was gripped by a peculiar case of memory loss the last time I talked with him, so maybe a job change would be of particular benefit to him. If he could get chosen for this assignment, people might even quit voting for the little guy in my unofficial "Worst Columnist" balloting. At least I hope so. [Hey, I think I hope so]. All in all, I’m confident his act would play well in Baghdad. I should know because he’s my very good friend. Diane Graham, whose title is something called managing editor/staff development at the local paper. People both inside and outside the office have never been quite sure what that title means or what her responsibilities are [if, indeed, there are any meaningful responsibilities], but the general feeling is that a fresh start in Iraq would be all that’s needed to pump some life into a career that’s grown pretty damn stale. A new title in a new office in beautiful downtown Baghdad may be all that’s required to wipe out the theory that she’s just riding it out until the 401-K checks start coming in. If there are enough of those large yellow notepads in Baghdad, she’ll be fine. Rudy Washington, former basketball coach at Drake University. Washington never understood much about newspapers or reporters, so a strong deputy bureau chief would likely be needed to make the office the strong force it should be. Washington probably would qualify as more of an enforcer in the office than a hands-on bureau chief. Let’s put it this way—if another uprising started in Baghdad, Rudy could probably handle it by himself. He wouldn’t even need an Army. Hell, his soldiers couldn’t play defense anyway. Dennis Ryerson, who has pitched his circus tent in Indianapolis in continuation of his lifelong ambition to be a permanent sideshow flunky in Barbara Henry’s traveling troupe. Ryerson would be well-qualified to be in Iraq, and he’d have a game plan. He could station himself in palm trees somewhere near the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers so he could make hourly checks on whether some hard-working, poorly-paid photographer is staging another fish photo. Once he found one, he could write a meaningless story intended to impress his boss. The fate of the poor photographer [are you paying attention, Harry?] would be handled, as they say in the business, "internally"). And what if some Iraq sniper should spot Ryerson in those trees? Well, as they say in the ol’ Gannett chain, "Good luck, big guy. You’d better protect your ass." in continuation of his lifelong ambition to be a permanent sideshow flunky in Barbara Henry’s traveling troupe. Ryerson would be well-qualified to be in Iraq, and he’d have a game plan. He could station himself in palm trees somewhere near the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers so he could make hourly checks on whether some hard-working, poorly-paid photographer is staging another fish photo. Once he found one, he could write a meaningless story intended to impress his boss. The fate of the poor photographer [are you paying attention, Harry?] would be handled, as they say in the business, "internally"). And what if some Iraq sniper should spot Ryerson in those trees? Well, as they say in the ol’ Gannett chain, "Good luck, big guy. You’d better protect your ass." Mike Price, unemployed football coach. Price was a big winner at Washington State University, and thought he had his dream job at Alabama until he was fired after making a fool of himself in a strip bar or two in Pensacola, Fla. Unlike my good friend Rob Borsellino, I believe in giving guys a second chance, so I feel Price should be a strong candidate for the Baghdad bureau job because he has an eye for talented people—especially those with strong upper bodies. He’d be great at delegating authority in the office, which would leave him with enough time to frequent the seamier side of the city.[NOTE: Two or three people at the local paper suggested the name of Paul Anger, their editor, for the Iraq bureau job. I thought about it for a while. Damn right I did. For at least 5 seconds. My decision—based on what he has done so far—is that Anger is not ready. I think he needs to write a few more practice columns on geese flying over Iowa before he’d be considered a strong candidate. After all, this is an important job. It’s not quite the same as deciding how big you want some copy desk summer intern who spends most of her time holding hands with spell-check on the computer to write the headline on yet another God-awful RAGBRAI story. Speaking of Embarrassments Hey, will somebody please write a letter to the sports section of the local paper already? For a couple of months, they’ve been pleading for people to submit letters so they can put ‘em on Page 2. It’s become an embarrassment. They got one a while back and all the author did was criticize a couple of the local paper’s sportswriters. I don’t really think that’s what the local paper wants. They’re dreaming, thinking they’re going to get letters from readers that make sense on timely issues in sports. Not gonna happen. Bosses at the local paper screwed themselves by killing off the Sports Opinion Page a few years ago, and there have been a scant few letters ever since. They don’t want to hear it, but the shameful response to the plea for letters might be an indication of what’s going on with readership. As they say in the trade, it’s a downward spiral. Readership, I mean. Hey, At Least He’s a Gentleman M aybe you remember the Fuller Brush Man.Or was it the Fuller Brush Girl? Or the Fuller Brush Woman? Then came the Schwan’s truck driving up your street. And now? Well, are you ready for the guy from Ashby Sales, ringing your doorbell and wanting to know if you want to subscribe to the local paper? Please don’t call this sick. Oh, OK, go ahead. The local paper has tried everything—giving away the paper at the Iowa State-Iowa football game, giving away the Sunday paper on Tuesday, offering the paper when you buy a tank of gas at a convenience store, maybe even giving it away when you fork over 5 bucks for a beer at an I-Cubs game, for all I know. Now my sources tell me people are going door-to-door in an attempt to improve circulation at the local sheet. Here’s an internal memo from 8th and Locust. My source has it headlined, "Coming To Your Door Soon?" From: Kathy Hickman To: Newsroom Subject: New Crew Sales Team Original Message…. From: Williams, Timothy Subject: New Crew Sales Team "Starting on 07/08/03, we will have a new circulation crew sales contractor. Larry Ashby of Ashby Sales will be managing our door-to-door sales operation. Larry is an outgoing, personable gentleman who is excited to make a success of selling the Des Moines Register "He has a successful track record of selling newspaper subscriptions door-to-door in several other markets. "We wanted to let at least one representative of each department know about this in case we get calls from the community wanting to know if these people are legitimate. "Larry and his team will begin selling in West Des Moines and Clive this week. If you get calls and need to refer them, please refer them to Tim Williams, ext. 8105, or Staci Molony, ext. 8297. "Thanks, "Tim" [All I know is, I’m glad Larry is outgoing and personable. And I’m really happy that he’s a gentleman. I sure as hell wouldn’t want some grumpy SOB pounding on my door, wanting to know if I’d like to subscribe to the local paper and not be able to guarantee me that I’d get the Valley High School football scores in it]. Hope at the Rose Bowl I ’ve been a lifelong fan of Bob Hope, and was just as saddened as every other Hope fan who heard the news today that he had died at 100.All of us enjoyed hearing the master comedian pull one-liner after one-liner out of his pocket while on stage—wherever that stage was. It was always a thrill to watch and hear Hope when he wowed people from the Midwest at the Big Ten dinner prior to the Rose Bowl game. Year after year he reeled off jokes for people from Iowa, Ohio, Michigan and any other Big Ten state that was lucky enough to have a team in the Rose Bowl. Bob, you were tremendous. How to Turn Off Alive in Clive, Not His Real Name Alive in Clive, not his real name, called to ask how soon my very good friend Rob Borsellino plans to write about his family again."Any particular reason you’re asking?" I said. "Because that’s the day I plan to leave the paper on the front porch and install a sump pump at my daughter’s house," said Alive in Clive, not his real name. [Ron Maly’s book is completed and his publisher says it will be in a bookstore near you in a few weeks. To contact Maly about the book or anything else, he answers his e-mail [most of it anyway] at malyr@juno.com He also reads all other types of mail he receives that’s written with either a pen, a pencil or a crayon]. |