[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

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~Yuki~

Summary:

“Look me in the eyes and tell me I mean nothing to you! Tell me!”

Warnings:

PG-13, shounen-ai

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The snow fell uncaringly around the Sanzo-ikkou as they stood staring down at the new grave. For the weather knew not if others were suffering. It could only go on, oblivious to the pain of the living. Reality is cruel that way. Always continuing no matter how much one wishes it would stop.

Goku shivered against the wind. He had always hated the cold. Thoughts of his former prison came unbidden to his mind, and he had to forcefully think of something else before the fear of being alone overtook him. Unfortunately, only one other thing could possibly occupy his thoughts right now.

Yakumo, who lay underneath the snow.

Though he had claimed to understand, Goku was still troubled by the youkai's death. He had tried so hard to protect those children, but he had still ended up this way. In the end, he was not able to fight the effects of the minus wave. 'Will this ever happen to me? One day, will I turn on those I love? Will the day come when Sanzo is unable to restore me?'

"Let's go" Sanzo's command brought Goku out of his reverie and he was immediately assailed by another thought.

"Um. Sanzo..If.. that.. had been me.. " Goku stopped. He realized that he already knew the answer, and didn't want to hear Sanzo say it. "Nah....N- Never mind...forget I asked.."

"I would've killed you."

Goku turned, eyes wide. Knowing Sanzo would say it had not prepared him to hear it. The monk's face was hidden by the shadows, his expression unreadable. Goku was able to contain the emotions that statement brought, however, the next comment almost broke his control.

"And I won't hold back."

Goku stopped the cry that threatened to escape and quickly hid his emotions behind a mask of indifference. The same mask that his master always wore. The one he had unknowingly passed to his charge.

===

'If this were deep underground... I wouldn't have expected there to be sunlight..'

Goku sighed in frustration and turned over in his bed. He glared across the room at Sanzo, who was sleeping. 'Damn monk. He's the reason I can't sleep, but he doesn't have the decency to have a shitty night's rest.' Goku huffed as he lay on his back and stared at the dark ceiling of their room.

'Screw this, if I don't sleep, he doesn't sleep.' Goku got up and marched over to Sanzo's bed ready to wake him up and give him a piece of his mind. He stopped short as Sanzo's eyes snapped open and glared at him.

"What do you want?" His tone was harsh, as usual, but Goku found that he couldn't shrug it off like he normally did. Not tonight. Not after what he had said to him earlier.

"Why?" Goku flinched at the tremor in his voice. Sanzo hated weakness, and if he wanted answers he had to be strong.

"Why what?" Sanzo's irritation grated against Goku's already frayed emotions. Cursing his self-control, Goku let a few tears escape his eyes. He sat down on the bed next to Sanzo and tried to see the monk's face in the dark room.

Sanzo sat up impatiently and leaned against the headboard. He unconcernedly lit a cigarette and glared down at his charge. Goku saw that damn indifference etched all over his countenance in the soft light of his cigarette. Enraged that he couldn't get an emotion to register Goku demanded, "Could you really kill me without a second thought?"

Sanzo, looked away from Goku and slowly took a drag. As he exhaled, he began to speak softly, "When you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha-"

"Shut up!" Goku jumped forward and slammed his hands on either side of Sanzo's head, forcing the monk to look at him. "Don't spout that bullshit to me!"

Shocked, Sanzo stared in bewilderment at the young man sitting in his lap, face inches from his own. He saw loneliness, confusion and need in those normally bright golden eyes. He had somehow hurt Goku, but could only stare in morbid fascination at the damage he had inflicted.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me I mean nothing to you! Tell me!"

But Sanzo did not speak. He continued to stare up at Goku as the boy began to weep. Goku let his hands drop in defeat as his head fell forward to rest against Sanzo's chest. He spoke softly, brokenly, so Sanzo almost had to strain to hear him.

"You're everything to me. If you were to die, I don't know what I would do. Can you honestly tell me that you would be ok killing me? That you could go on living without me and be fine? What am I to you? Do I really mean nothing?"

Sanzo had no words. He reached up to pat Goku on the head but his hand was smacked away.

"No! You can't get out of this by just showing a little affection like you always do! I can't take this. I need to know. Tell me!" Goku's eyes searched Sanzo's desperately for something, anything. He would take anger or hatred at this point. Anything. Just not that indifferent look. So like the snow that he hated. Cold, unfeeling. Not caring if he was hurting. Going on because Goku's pain meant nothing to him.

But that's exactly what he saw. He cried in rage and punched Sanzo across the jaw, trying frantically to wipe that look off of his face. Nothing. Sanzo didn't so much as flinch. Goku jumped off of him like he had been burned. He stared in horror at his sun.

"So, that's it then? That's all these years together has meant to you?" No answer, just that blank look. Goku tightened his fists trying to suppress his rage. Finally, he spoke, "Why the hell didn't you leave me under that damn mountain?"

Goku turned to leave the room unsure of his destination only needing to get away. Sanzo's hand reached out and grabbed him by the wrist halting his departure. Goku stood still facing away from Sanzo, staring at the floor waiting for his sun to speak. The silence was suffocating, and just when Goku was about to wrench his hand from Sanzo's grip, the monk spoke, once again ceasing his motion.

"I ... I didn't leave you because you begged me not to." Sanzo spoke hesitantly, as if he were forcing the words through a barrier, but as he continued his speech became stronger. "I could hear you...inside my mind - iie in my soul. You called and called to me. Called me by name. Over and over again you cried out to me. I searched everywhere for you. Can you understand that, Goku? I dropped my entire life and went in search of you. And when I finally did find you, you looked up at me with such an expression...hope....trust...how could I leave you there?"

Sanzo tugged at Goku's arm and he allowed himself to be pulled backwards onto the bed and into Sanzo's lap. Sanzo promptly wrapped his arms around the boy's waist and dropped his chin onto his shoulder. He sighed sadly as he continued:

"If you were to ever lose yourself and become a demon you would hurt others which in turn would hurt you. I couldn't let that happen. I would stop you before you could stain your hands with the blood of innocents. What I said was true Goku, I would never hold back. I would kill you. Anything to save you from the pain you would feel in your soul at what you had become."

Sanzo lifted one hand and tilted Goku's chin towards his own face. Goku stared up into Sanzo's eyes, for once sincere and full of emotion. "But believe me when I say that I would die the instant you do." Sanzo closed the small distance between them and placed his lips over Goku's.

When the kiss ended, Sanzo laid back down and pulled Goku against him. They spent the night in each other's embrace, reveling in the warmth that would stay the coldness that had threatened to tear them apart.

[~:.:~]

[owari]