[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

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~Silver Rain Fell~

Summary:

(Goku+Sanzo, possible Sanzo+Goku) Goku wonders what it would be like to see Sanzo smile, and in the end comes to a simple conclusion.

Warnings:
PG-13; mild shounen ai, language, likely OOCness, mild spoilers for Gaiden

Notes:

This is meant to parallel an incident from Saiyuki Gaiden; kudos to those that recognize it.

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Normally such a scene would be set during a dark and stormy night. If not dark and stormy, then at least wet. Wet, cold, and cloudy. That was the setting for most contemplative scenes, and rain simply seemed to bring out the more thoughtful, wondering side of people. Usually those thoughts would be dark and depressing.

But it was a clear night, pleasantly warm with a gentle cool breeze that occasionally drafted through the partially open window. The sun had finished setting less than an hour ago, and the moon was waxing, beaming silver light across the otherwise pitch black darkness. A few stars were littered in the sky, pinpricks penetrating the blanket woven with shades of dark blue and black.

The thoughtful person in question was far from depressed. He was unusually quiet, yes, but in a calm way. His gaze was fixed out the window and up at the moon, not admiring its beauty at all. He wasn't the type to do that-- actually the moon was making him feel hungry rather than awed.

Goku wasn't one to think too much or too often. It was a lot of work, for one thing, and he usually ended up with more questions than answers, which didn't help his ever-curious nature. Also, with one thought leading to another, he would soon end up confused and forgetting about his original thought in the first place. He was often told it was because his "stupid monkey brain" was too simple to handle more than one thought at a time.

His surroundings were too peaceful for a solemn setting. And so he just sat on his bed, which happened to be near to the window, and stared at the moon. Part of him was just hungry -- it seemed like forever since he'd last eaten, though they had just finished dinner an hour ago -- and the other part was unusually thoughtful, wondering...

For all his quick reflexes were worth, Goku was surprised when a rather thick pillow caught him right on the side of the head. He yelped and fell off the bed sideways, crashing to the hotel room floor.

He sat up, glaring ferociously in the direction of his roommate. "What the hell was that for, you perverted water sprite?!"

"You were being disturbingly quiet, bakazaru," Gojyo retorted, looking infuriatingly smug in the dark.

Goku made a loud, animal sound of irritation. "I was not! I can be quiet when I want to!"

"Oh, come on. You're not even quiet in your sleep."

It was a nightly ritual, even when there was no hotel for the travelers to stay at. When the four camped out, Goku and Gojyo would squabble like children until a loud, resounding, "Shut up!" accompanied with a few whacks from a certain abusive Buddhist monk shut them up. It was either that or the worse sound of gunshots (though they usually missed and didn't cause nearly as much pain) at their feet. However, without said Buddhist monk to shut them up, the insults lead to physical fighting.

Needless to say, Gojyo ended up with his own pillow attempting to suffocate him.

"Ack!" He tore the offending thing from his face and glared, raising one fist as well as the very same pillow. "You wanna fight? Huh?!"

It wasn't until after he uttered the words that the red-haired demon realized that Goku had disappeared. He turned around sharply, but all he saw was the bedroom door shutting with a soft click.

"Weird," he muttered. It took him no less than five seconds to realize that Goku had just left, which meant he had gone to complain to the others again, which inevitably meant...

"Shit!"

Outside, Goku was storming down the hallway, mumbling insults beneath his breath. Normally he would have stayed to fight back, to exchange the same old insults, but he wasn't feeling up to it tonight. That in itself was odd and disconcerted him, so he did the only thing that made sense: he went to the room Sanzo and Hakkai shared.

He threw the door open, not caring if they were asleep or not. "Sanzo," he whined, glaring into the darkness. "I'm really sick of this! I don't want to share the same room as that..." His voice trailed off, the last word dangling in confusion as he stared, befuddled, at Hakkai.

"Sorry," the older man said cheerfully, a bit too cheerfully considering it looked as though Goku had woken him up just as he had finally fallen asleep. "It doesn't appear that Sanzo's here."

"Ah," Goku mumbled, unsure of what to do. Complaining to Hakkai wouldn't solve anything (not that complaining to Sanzo got him anything more than abuse from a paper fan) especially considering he would just smile patiently and let Goku vent before sending him off back to bed. Quite honestly, ranting to Hakkai wasn't as satisfying as complaining to Sanzo, even though the latter often ended with more injury than anything else.

Well, it seemed there was only one thing left to do: raid the kitchen. He'd likely get a scolding -- topped with a few good threats and more abuse from that damned fan -- but Goku's hunger wasn't something to be ignored.

"Sorry," Goku said, brightening at the idea. "I'll just go get something to eat!" He left before Hakkai could object, knowing he wouldn't be followed. Had Goku stayed, Hakkai would have gently advised otherwise and sent him to bed, but leaving before anything could be said meant that Hakkai wouldn't have to do that, and he would be spared the guilt of not having tried to stop him. It was strange how actions over such a small thing could define one's characteristics so well.

Hakkai ran a hand through his hair, smiling lightly to himself. Goku was so predictable...

The door slammed open a second time, making him start. "Look, whatever that stupid monkey said--!"

Hakkai raised his hands in mock surrender, smiling a bit nervously. "Gojyo--"

"--I'll have you know that he--"

"Gojyo," Hakkai repeated, loudly enough to cut the half-demon off in mid-sentence. "Sanzo's not here. And neither is Goku," he added quickly.

"Oh." Gojyo straightened up, glancing behind him as though expecting to be ambushed by one of the aforementioned two. "Well, never mind then. 'Night."

"Yes, yes." It was a wonder Hakkai could keep that smile plastered to his face without cracking. "Goodnight..."

Elsewhere, Goku was wondering where the blonde monk had run off to. He couldn't say it was unlike Sanzo to just up and disappear every now and then, but it made Goku anxious every time. Even though Sanzo repeatedly stated that he didn't care about their well-being, and he sure did put forth a good front for it... Goku, however, was prone to not entirely believe those words.

Besides, Sanzo was a horrible monk. He drank, smoked, gambled, swore, killed, and did basically everything a monk should not do aside from partake in romantic or sexual activities with the opposite sex. Who was to say he didn't lie?

Goku thought briefly on that and bit back a snicker; the idea of Sanzo being romantic was too amusing.

He slipped through the shadowed hallways without any difficulties. No one was awake at this hour except for the half-asleep receptionist in the tiny little lobby out front. Security was lax. Goku found the kitchen quickly.

For a little while he allowed his mind to be blissfully blank. Goku ate what food could be consumed without cooking and was happily finishing off some senbei before his mind slowly began to backtrack to his original thoughts-- or perhaps "original" was too far back... more like, what he had been musing over before Gojyo decided to be an ass and interrupt his train of thought.

Technically speaking, he was older than his other three companions. Goku was over five hundred years old, though he couldn't remember much of those five hundred plus years. In fact, it was nearly impossible to remember anything before his endless days spent in that damned craggy prison. Every now and then he would see flashes of something -- someone -- that he knew was familiar but couldn't quite remember, but he couldn't grasp a single thing aside from those brief flashes. They only came before his power limiter broke, and then his mind would go blank.

For only three of those few hundred years Goku had known Sanzo... and not once had he seen him smile.

For anyone that knew the monk, it shouldn't have seemed odd. After all, he was bad-tempered and irritable, always willing to shoot the first person to get in his way so long as it benefited him in some way. But it struck Goku as odd, because everyone else had given genuine smiles at least once.

Would a smile even suit Sanzo at all?

That train of thought crashed and died an explosive death the moment the familiar weight of a particular paper fan came crashing down on his head. Goku yelped in pain, ducking to avoid a second blow as his hands flew up to cover his head. When he looked up he was greeted with a pair of glaring amethyst eyes.

"Geez," Goku muttered. "What was that for?"

"What do you think you're doing?" Sanzo hissed, careful not to raise his voice. Despite how often he ended up yelling at Goku and Gojyo, he hated to raise his voice. The reason was most likely because he hated wasting the energy rather than worrying about disturbing anyone else's peace or sleep. "How many times do I have to beat it into your thick monkey skull before you understand the meaning of do not steal other people's food?!"

The brunette sulked, preparing himself for more abuse from the currently absent fan. "You're only mad because you'll have to pay for it."

He wasn't disappointed; Sanzo delivered two sharp whacks to his head. "You're such a pain in the ass," the monk growled. Once again the fan seemed to have disappeared into thin air. Goku always wondered where he could have hidden it. The obvious answer would have been in his oversized sleeves, but then there should have been the possibility of it falling out...

His thoughts were beginning to confuse him again, so Goku abruptly stopped chasing them. He remembered his reason for coming down in the first place and he got to his feet, his defensiveness taking control. "Well, it's your fault anyway! I'm sick of sleeping in the same room as that damned water sprite!"

Sanzo shot him an exasperated look. "Like hell I'm switching with either of you."

"Sanzo..."

"Ch'..." The blonde monk leaned against the nearest wall, pulling out a cigarette and lighter. His eyes were closed as though he believed that if he couldn't see Goku, he would go away. Disgruntled, Goku sat back down in his abandoned chair, stubbornly refusing to leave the room.

"Where were you, anyway?" he asked suddenly. Sanzo glanced at him with one eye – the other was obscured by his profile.

The monk blew smoke out between his lips, keeping his visible violet eye trained on the boy. Technically, Goku was no longer a boy, but a young man at the physical age of eighteen. However, it was difficult to see him in that light; it was hard not to think of him as a boy. "The manager wanted to see me."

Goku grinned, having an inkling on what their conversation had been about. "The usual? Wanting you to preach again? You said no, didn't you?" Sanzo just stared at him, and the brunette nodded, answering his own question. "Yeah, I thought so. But you were gone before I woke Hakkai up..."

Sanzo scowled. "Not that I owe you an explanation," he muttered, turning his sullen gaze to the wall before him. "But I went to get some cigarettes afterwards."

Taken aback by the admittance, the boy only managed to utter a barely audible, "Oh." Sanzo said nothing in reply; Goku hadn't expected him to speak anyway. He would have been more surprised if the monk had. Instead, Sanzo just flicked the ashes from the end of his cigarette before putting it to his lips again and inhaling. Tendrils of smoke seemed to outline his profile for a brief moment, and then he moved, shattering the imagery.

Goku watched lazily, his chin resting on his hand. His mind began to wander again, idle at first, before somehow ending back in familiar trails. He was still hungry, though less than before; it wasn't enough to make him complain. Still, it would have been nice if the manager had somehow gotten to stall Sanzo somewhere for a few more minutes so Goku could have snagged a few more snacks...

Goku thought about that briefly before grimacing slightly; that might have made the monk even more irritable. Scratch that idea. Sanzo was difficult enough to deal with even when he was in a good mood.

Then again, his good moods tended to make Goku wary... he just couldn't win, could he? Sanzo was scary when he was mad, but unpredictable when he was quiet and seemingly in a good mood.

For a monk, Sanzo was horribly violent...

Where the hell did he keep that fan, anyway?

Goku felt whatever concentration he had slipping. It was hard to stay focused on one thing for too long sometimes, and he was beginning to grow tired. Now would probably be a good time to go to bed. If he was lucky, that stupid water demon would be asleep...

"What are you thinking about, bakazaru?"

Sanzo's question made him start. "Huh?" Goku shook his head, frowning. "I..."

... still wonder...

"... was thinking about what you'd look like if you smiled."

That hadn't been what he was thinking at all, not at the current moment, anyway. Goku smacked himself mentally, wondering why that, of all things, had to come out. It seemed equally stupid when Sanzo gave him that look, the one that clearly said Goku had just proved himself to be an idiot.

"Just when I think you can't get any stupider, you go and surprise me," Sanzo muttered, taking a final drag of his cigarette before he found a row of ashtrays conveniently stacked on a nearby counter. It was probably where the hotel owner kept them when they weren't being used for customers in the tiny diner. He put out the cigarette in the closest one.

Goku sulked, leaning down until his arms were folded on the table top and his chin was resting on them. Such a remark wasn't unusual coming from the blonde priest, but even the off-handed insults held their fair share of sting. "Well, you don't smile," he said defensively, though his voice was quiet and barely carried through the silence.

Sanzo didn't appear surprised. "Give me one good reason to."

Sighing, Goku shook his head, his golden eyes shifting away from the monk. It would be pointless to explain his thoughts to Sanzo -- not that he'd even asked for an explanation -- and ridiculous when even Goku wasn't sure what he was thinking. It was an unexplainable thing, kind of how it was hard to describe hunger or emotions like care and love.

The last two were particularly complex, though very easy to feel. It was understanding them that was hard. Goku could easily identify his feelings toward his comrades as care and certain forms of love-- Hakkai as maternal, Gojyo as brotherly (not that he'd ever admit it) and Sanzo... well, his love for Sanzo was something harder to identify, really. It was a strange combination of care, loyalty, and reluctance. Just thinking about it sounded weird to Goku, and explaining it would have been that much worse.

And thinking about confusing things like this was going to give him a terrible headache. He could feel pressure building behind his eyes already.

Goku sat up and pushed himself away from the table. The chair made a grating noise against the hardwood floor, earning him a glare from the bad-tempered priest. "I'll just go to bed, then," Goku said, hoping he sounded off-handed as he brushed by the older man.

"... Goku."

Goku started to turn around when a hand slammed against the wall beside his head, a bare inch from his face. He froze, tilting his head back to stare up at the priest. It was impossible to read what was in Sanzo's eyes; impossible for him, at least. Goku had no illusions. He knew that he wasn't the one person that knew or understood Sanzo best. As much as he would have liked that, that wasn't his role. Hakkai honestly filled that space better than Goku did.

However...

Sanzo's staring was beginning to unnerve him. Very few people could frighten Goku, and only one person managed to always frighten him. Sanzo was the one fear Goku couldn't conquer.

And yet he was also the one person Goku cared about most. In his own strange -- even abusive -- ways, Sanzo was simply the sun for him. After five hundred years of darkness, Goku was afraid of losing that light, and so he clung to it with his tightest grip, fighting to hold on to it every inch of the way. It was a light that burned his skin and hurt him, but it was too precious to release.

That, if nothing else, made sense to Goku.

"What?" he found himself asking after an elongated pause.

As though suddenly realizing what he was doing, Sanzo pushed himself back from the wall and the golden-eyed boy. He glanced into the dark hallway, scowled, and seconds later his infamous fan made a cameo appearance, connecting with the side of Goku's skull.

"Ah!" the brunette cried, ducking and covering his head, glaring at the monk. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Shut up and go to bed," Sanzo growled. "Gojyo should be asleep by now, anyway."

"Geez," Goku muttered, rubbing the side of his head as he slipped into the hallway. He could hear Sanzo walking swiftly behind him, though the man's footsteps were quiet enough not to alert anyone without heightened senses. "Couldn't you have said so without hitting me?"

"Bakazaru," Sanzo hissed behind him, not bothering to answer his question.

Droopy-eyed bastard, the boy thought. He was glad it was dark and that Sanzo was behind him, otherwise the corrupted monk would have caught sight of his smile and demanded to know what was so amusing.

Goku hesitated outside the door to the room he and Gojyo shared, his hand hovering over the brass knob. "Hey, Sanzo," he whispered.

He heard the almost silent footsteps cease completely. "What?"

Goku turned to look across the hallway where the blonde monk stood prepared to open the door to the opposite room. It was impossible to see the violets of his eyes in the darkness because they had been rendered to a dark grayish colour. Even so, Sanzo was pinning the boy with a scrutinizing stare, annoyance clear in his features.

Definitely not... Goku found himself grinning.

"I just realized," he said quietly, leaning against the door. "That a smile wouldn't suit you at all."

One of the monk's eyebrows lifted at the same time his opposite eye narrowed, giving him a look that was somewhere between comical and scary. He turned his face away from the teenage boy. "You really want to die, don't you?"

Goku's smile broadened, mostly because he knew Sanzo couldn't see it. He hadn't missed it; the slight curl of the older man's lips that hinted at an amused smirk. It was unbelievably gratifying to get that sort of reaction from him... and it was as close to a smile as Goku was going to get. He was sure of that.

He turned his back on the monk, opening the door and slipping into his room without saying another word, not even good night. He doubted Sanzo had been expecting one, anyway.

The room was quiet, save the soft breathing of the sleeping form on Gojyo's bed. Goku sagged against the door, relieved. Thank the gods he wouldn't have to put up with the crude water sprite's taunting...

He made it to his bed without disturbing his roommate. As usual, Goku had ended up with more questions than answers when he thought. However, some of the answers he had were satisfying... and as he sat on the borrowed bed, bathing in the silver moonlight, Goku still couldn't help but wonder if he would ever see a genuine smile from the corrupted priest. He couldn't help but think he had seen it once before, a long time ago, in a very different place.

If that was so, then maybe he had a chance of seeing it again someday.

[~:.:~]

[~owari~]

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