[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

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~For the Smile of Tomorrow~

Summary: Goku is trying to sort out his feelings for Sanzo, and Sanzo is doing his best to protect his saru's smile.

Warnings: Rating is R to be safe, nothing this chapter, but stuff happens in later chapters that might be seen as “inappropriate”

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Chapter 5: Healing

Sanzo’s voice softened considerably and he looked away as he almost whispered,  “So don’t cry anymore.”

Goku studied Sanzo’s profile, his face frozen in shock. Sanzo didn’t blame him. A feeling stirred in his stomach and slowly spread throughout his body. Goku’s face stretched into a smile and he felt as if he might burst with happiness. Sanzo didn’t hate him.  “Sank you.”

Sanzo let a ghost of a smile cross his features. He stood to leave, but stopped as arms were thrown about his waist. Goku pressed his face into Sanzo’s stomach, “Can I stay with you tonight?” he whispered.

Sanzo smiled down at Goku, who cutely had his face buried in his stomach, clearly dreading the ‘no’ he thought he’d hear. Sanzo brought his arms up and returned the embrace. “Baka.”

Goku felt his heart soar. Having lived with Sanzo for so long, he knew a ‘yes’ when he heard one. He lifted his face to look at Sanzo and stopped as he saw the smile the monk wore. Sanzo looked….happy. Goku couldn’t remember the last time he had seen such an expression on Sanzo’s face.

Sanzo noticed that he had been caught and turned his gaze away. He stepped back out of the embrace and said, “Get your stuff.” Then he walked across the hall and into his own room as Goku raced around getting his bag repacked. Sanzo kicked himself for letting Goku see him smile like that. He was letting his guard down. But why is that a bad thing? A small voice in his head admonished him.

Sanzo sat down at his table and contemplated that thought. If he truly wished to spend the rest of his life with Goku, then he would have to let his walls down at some point. He couldn’t share a life with Goku without also sharing himself. Of course, he wasn’t positive that Goku wanted to be with him in that way. He had promised to never leave Sanzo’s side, but did he mean that in the way Sanzo hoped he did?

Sanzo scowled at the table anxious for the answers he did not possess. Frustrated by doubt, he made up his mind to question Goku that very evening. He had almost completed his plan, but it would be foolhardy to do so without knowing the full ramifications. Sanzo sighed, the things he did to keep Goku smiling.

Just then Goku burst through the door, bag slung over his shoulder, with some clothes haphazardly sticking out of it. He grinned at Sanzo and threw his bag in the corner before joining Sanzo at the table. “Aren’t you hungry?” he asked eyeing the food Hakkai had brought.

Sanzo looked at the tray of rice and meat buns before answering, “Not really, you can have it if you want.”

Goku frowned at the monk. “Sanzo, you haven’t eaten all day.”

Sanzo glared at Goku and begrudgingly picked up a bowl of rice. “This’ll be enough for me, you go ahead and eat the rest of it.”

After making sure that Sanzo was eating, Goku devoured the left over meat buns. He had been so distraught earlier, that he had been unable to eat properly. Goku leaned back in his chair, patting his stomach happily. He caught Sanzo’s amused gaze and realized that he had finished his meal before Sanzo had even gotten halfway through his own. Goku smiled sheepishly while Sanzo merely shook his head and returned to his meal.

Goku placed his empty plate back on the tray and watched Sanzo eat. He wanted to make sure that Sanzo ate all of his rice. Which is why he was watching his mouth so intently. Needed to make sure Sanzo was swallowing. Goku blinked in confusion and wrenched his gaze away from his companion’s lips. Blushing slightly, he instead tried to concentrate on the bowl of rice.

His eyes quickly wandered to the well defined chest behind the bowl. Sanzo shouldn’t be allowed to wear that shirt in public, it’s so tight I can see- Goku’s face fell as he discerned a kanji through Sanzo’s shirt. Hakkai’s comments from that morning ran through his head. He had said the wound was so deep that the scars would probably remain for many years, if not forever.

Goku felt shame overtaking him. He knew better than anyone that Sanzo did not truly belong to him. There was no way he could lay claim to him like that. If only I could truly say he was mine, and that I was his, then I would never have to worry about losing him again.

Sanzo looked up from his rice as he felt a change in the atmosphere. Goku was staring at his chest with a sadness that did not suit him. He read the young man’s thoughts perfectly, silently wishing that Goku would stop blaming himself. Sanzo plucked a grain of rice from his bowl with his chopsticks and regarded it carefully before turning his gaze back to Goku.

Goku’s head snapped up as something hit his nose. He looked around and spotted a piece of rice lying on the table. He looked over at Sanzo suspiciously, but the monk continued eating his meal, eyes intent on his bowl. Goku looked around the room, wondering if maybe Gojyo had come in without him realizing it.

He felt something hit his cheek and this time noticed a whole clump of rice on the table. He looked back at Sanzo warily, but he hadn’t sensed the other man moving. “Sanzo?” he asked tentatively.

“Nani?” Sanzo raised his head to regard Goku, his face the picture of innocence.

Goku felt his suspicions die at the look and muttered, “Iie, nothing.”

Sanzo tilted his head slightly to the side and considered Goku for a brief moment before returning to his meal.

Goku cautiously turned his gaze towards the ceiling, only to be hit on the chin by more rice. He looked back at Sanzo, who was calmly eating, and shouted, “I know it was you so fess up!”

“What are you talking about?” Sanzo asked, his tone sweetly oblivious.

“I’m talking about this pile of rice that magically appeared in front of me!” Goku yelled as he jumped to his feet, knocking over his chair, and pointed at the pile of rice accumulating on the table.

Sanzo serenely looked at the rice on the table then back at Goku. He blinked, then put another bite of rice into his mouth.

Goku almost lost all of his momentum at the sight. Kami, I’ve never seen him so kawaii…. He shook his head free of such thoughts and pointed his finger in Sanzo’s face. “Confess, you threw rice at me!”

Sanzo continued to ignore Goku and put his chopsticks in his bowl for another bite. He frowned when he realized that all the rice was gone. He placed the bowl back on the tray then got up and walked over to the window, lighting up a cigarette as he went.

Goku followed closely behind him, “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!”

Sanzo turned around and leaned against the window sill. He took a drag and observed Goku. Inwardly, he was smiling: Goku was genki again. Feeling somewhat playful, Sanzo asked, “What are you gonna do about it?”

Goku stopped mid rant, and looked around the room. His eyes lit upon an object near the bed. He grinned wickedly and lunged for it. “I’ll hit you!” he shouted as he raised Sanzo’s harisen above his head.

Sanzo crushed his cigarette and spoke dangerously. “That’s mine. Give it back.”

“Make me.” Goku said while sticking his tongue out.

Sanzo took a step towards Goku, but the young man took a step back. Sanzo’s eyes narrowed, assessing the situation. He leapt at Goku suddenly, but Goku was light footed enough to avoid him. He jumped behind the table and waved the harisen tauntingly.

Sanzo glared at him before attacking again. He ran around the table as Goku ran the other way. He looked back at Sanzo, once again sticking his tongue out. Sanzo dove for the fan and got his hands on it. At that moment, Goku tripped over his chair that he had neglected to push in. He reached forward his free hand and grasped Sanzo’s arm. Already off balance, Sanzo was unable to stop the fall and the two crashed to the floor.

Not wanting to crush him, Sanzo instinctively swung them around so that he landed under Goku. As it was, the wind was knocked out of him as Goku came to rest atop him. Goku picked his head up from Sanzo’s chest and sat back on his stomach, looking down at the monk anxiously. “Daijobou?”

Sanzo looked as though he were trying to say something difficult. Goku leaned forward in worry when a chuckle escaped Sanzo’s lips. He froze in place, unsure of what to do. At his expression, Sanzo let go of the control he was trying to hold. He burst out laughing, so hard that Goku felt his stomach moving underneath him.

Sanzo laughed himself out then smiled widely, “I haven’t had that good of a laugh since we ran into those imposters.” He reached up and ruffled Goku’s hair. Then put his hands behind his head and breathed deeply.

Meanwhile, Goku was having a life crisis. He had never in his life seen Sanzo act in such a manner. Maybe the rice had been bad. Maybe he had something closed up in his wound. Maybe he was dying. Goku began to panic as scenarios ran through his head. Maybe he’s finally letting his guard down around you. Another voice whispered.

Goku started at the thought. He always knew that under Sanzo’s cold exterior there was something more. Konzen had been that way as well. Extremely distant, but so caring when no one else was around. Had Sanzo finally accepted him? A smile graced his features at the thought.

Sanzo leaned back on the floor, watching the flickering emotions dance across Goku’s face. It’s not really an internal struggle when you wear your heart on your sleeve. He thought affectionately. Goku finally settled on happiness as he smiled widely down at Sanzo.

===

Hakkai broke the kiss and looked over alarmed. “Did you just hear something?”

Gojyo sighed and looked down at Hakkai, “Iie, don’t worry about it.” He leaned back down and tried to restart the kiss, but Hakkai pushed him away.

“Maybe we should go check on Goku just in case.” He said while sitting up.

Gojyo sat back and tried not to let his frustration seep into his voice. “But you said that Sanzo came in. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Gojyo.” Hakkai muttered quietly, widening his eyes slightly and letting his mouth settle into a pout.

Dammit, he knows I can’t resist that look… Gojyo glared. ”Fine, fine, but you better make it worth my while.”

“I will.” Hakkai grinned wickedly then dumped Gojyo off of the bed. The other man cried out in protest but Hakkai was ignoring him and putting his shirt back on.

“Shimatta.” Gojyo cursed as he followed Hakkai out the door.

Said man went to Goku’s room and knocked on the door. When he received no answer, he opened it. He was stunned to discover that it was devoid of the boy and his possessions. “Did they have another fight?” He anxiously asked then went across the hall to Sanzo’s room.

He opened the door without knocking, already speaking, “Sanzo have you seen Goku, he’s not in his—“ Hakkai trailed off as he saw the scene before him. Sanzo was lying on his back with his legs slung over a fallen chair and Goku was settled on his stomach, faces inches away from each other. Gojyo burst out into fits of laughter at the sight, and Hakkai hit him in the stomach to shut him up. “Sorry to disturb you, I’ll just take your dishes and leave you alone.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you two have a lot of talking to do.” Gojyo gave Goku a lecherous wink as Hakkai pushed him out the door.

“That is the last time I worry about those two.” He muttered as he closed the door behind them.

Gojyo slung an arm around his companion and spoke with merriment, “Cheer up, love. It’s not like we’ll ever get the chance to see the great Sanzo-sama in such a position again.”

Hakkai unsuccessfully kept an evil grin from crossing his face, “That’s true.”

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Goku hadn’t moved the entire time Gojyo and Hakkai were in the room. He had stayed put eyes wide in horror. After the door shut, he turned his head to apologize for embarrassing Sanzo and was suddenly made aware of how close their faces were. Sanzo turned his eyes to Goku when he sensed the movement of his head and Goku found himself transfixed by Sanzo’s gaze. He stared mutely, acutely aware of Sanzo’s breath on his face and the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

“Goku.” Sanzo’s voice seemed so deep and warm. Goku could not only hear his voice but feel it as well. He instantly decided that he liked the sensation. He noticed the questioning look in Sanzo’s eyes and sheepishly climbed off of him, immediately missing his warmth. He walked over to his bag and began making himself a pallet on the floor.

Sanzo sat up slightly and followed Goku’s movements. Just then it seemed as if Goku had wanted to stay with him. Sanzo took the boy’s actions as encouragement and said, “You can sleep on the bed.”

Goku’s head turned at the comment, but Sanzo had stood and was once again walking to the window. Goku crawled into the bed, thankful that he didn’t have to sleep on the floor. Once situated, he studied Sanzo’s profile and was struck yet again by how attractive he was. Now that Sanzo was watching the sunset, he was able to stare freely at the other man.

He looked at the hair he had always loved. It constantly reminded him of sunlight, and looked even more so as the dying rays of the sun glinted off of it. He wondered what it would feel like if he were to run his fingers through it. His gaze wandered lower as he took in the muscular form. He frowned as he noticed Sanzo absentmindedly rubbing his chest. “Does it hurt?” He asked softly.

“Iie.” Sanzo muttered. “Demo, it aches sometimes….” Sanzo looked down and carefully traced the patterns of the kanji. He took the final drag off of his cigarette as the sun dropped behind the horizon leaving the room dark.

Goku felt his heart twist at the other’s words. He turned his gaze away from Sanzo and stared at the sheets. “Gomen.”

Sanzo walked over to the bed and sat down next to Goku. He studied the boys contrite posture and gathered his courage together. “Did you mean what you said last night?” He asked, his voice betraying only the slightest hint of insecurity.

“Oro?” Goku raised his head and met Sanzo’s gaze.

Sanzo was tempted to look away, but instead held the look and spoke with determination, “You said you wanted to stay with me forever, did you mean it?”

Goku leaned forward, speaking quickly, “Of course I did. I’ll stay with you until you die, and then I’ll wait for you another five hundred years if I have to. I’ll go back to the mountain so you’ll know where to find me. I—“

“Goku….” Sanzo cut Goku off quietly then paused searching for the right words. “If you truly wish to be with me, I’ll never push you away or leave you. So…. don’t be afraid anymore.”

Goku looked at Sanzo in awe. His face was illuminated by only starlight, but Goku could discern the look of uncertainty on his face. Goku realized then the magnitude of what Sanzo was doing. He had left himself open and vulnerable to Goku. If he wanted to, he had the ability to hurt Sanzo very deeply with his next choice of words. Goku felt a surge of emotion at the trust Sanzo was placing in him at that moment. “I’ll never leave you.”

Sanzo’s face instantly relaxed and he released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Then it’s settled.” He said, more to himself than to Goku. His next movements surprised Goku immensely, as he pulled back the covers and climbed in next to Goku. He laid on his back and closed his eyes.

Goku recovered from his shock and murmured “Oyasumi, Sanzo.” The other man simply grunted, and Goku smiled at him before settling on his side, facing Sanzo.

Wanting to test the boy’s feelings further without his knowledge, Sanzo let his breathing deepen through meditation techniques and began to feign sleep. Soon enough he felt a warm hand on his face, tentatively tracing over his cheek and jaw bones. In an attempt to encourage him, Sanzo leaned into the touch, sighing a little. The hand withdrew back momentarily, but soon returned.

He heard Goku take a deep breath just before the hand moved up and into his hair. Sanzo had to concentrate on keeping his breathing normal but he didn’t have to feign the enjoyment he felt. No one had ever dared get near enough to him to do anything like play with his hair, and Sanzo found that he quite enjoyed the feeling.

He leaned into the touch even more, and discovered that Goku was lying very close to him when his nose brushed up against the other’s. Goku squeaked a little and jerked his head back in surprise, but Sanzo maintained his composure. He moved his head down so that it rested in the crook of Goku’s neck.

Goku stiffened, but soon wrapped his spare arm around Sanzo’s waist and continued playing with his hair. The young man shifted so that he was now lying on his back and Sanzo was more than happy to lay one arm across the other’s stomach and his head on his chest. Sanzo sighed contentedly and allowed his whole body to relax. Quite against his own will, he felt himself falling asleep.

Goku stared at the ceiling, eyes opened in astonishment. Here he was with Sanzo in his arms, playing with his hair. He felt the other man relax completely and press himself against Goku unconsciously. He began to blush at the sensation, but it was not an unpleasant one.

His free hand began to stroke the small of Sanzo’s back as he tried to sort out his thoughts. I told him that I want to stay with him forever, and I do. Does that entail more than just staying at his side? His less than plutonic thoughts from that morning came to mind. It would be stupid at this point to deny that he was attracted to Sanzo. The heat he felt was proof enough of that. But how could he tell if it was just hormones or something more.

He thought about their conversation from the night before. Sanzo had said that he would want to leave him and have a life of his own. He knew that he could never have a life without his sun, it was impossible. Then Sanzo had promised him that he would never leave him. Goku never thought he would get such a confession from the other man.

His mind wandered to Konzen and his time spent under the mountain. He had lived a life with Sanzo, and he had lived a life without him. He knew what it was like to be away from his warmth. Though he knew Sanzo would eventually die, he never wanted to be far from him and would enjoy the time he had to its fullest.

It was much more than a desire to be physically near Sanzo. He also wanted to other man’s trust and respect. He wanted Sanzo to tell him things that he didn’t tell anyone else. He wanted to know everything he could about his sun. He wanted Sanzo to keep his smile and his laugh only for him. He wanted to be special to Sanzo as Sanzo was special to him. Was it wrong to want these things from someone that he—

“I love you.” He whispered. Eyes widening as he realized his true feelings. He lowered his head and buried his nose in Sanzo’s hair, inhaling his scent as his other arm tightened around his waist. In his sleep, Sanzo responded, also clinging tighter to Goku.

Now there was only one problem. How was he going to make Sanzo fall in love with him?

[~:.:~]

[~end of chapter~]