[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

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~For the Smile of Tomorrow~

Summary: Goku is trying to sort out his feelings for Sanzo, and Sanzo is doing his best to protect his saru's smile.

Warnings: Rating is R to be safe, nothing this chapter, but stuff happens in later chapters that might be seen as “inappropriate”

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Chapter 4: Reflections

Hakkai let a thankful sigh escape his lips as they entered the next town. Luckily, they were in a highly populated area, and didn’t need to camp out that night. With relationships being strained as they were, he didn’t think being alone in the wilderness would be a good idea right now. They had made good time as they hadn’t run into any demons on the journey, which he had thought odd. He tried commenting on it, but aside from Gojyo, who grunted in assent, the other two did not seem very surprised.

He cast another glance at Goku in the rear view mirror. The poor boy hadn’t so much as moved once since they had started their journey early that morning. He just sat, hugging his knees to his chest and staring forlornly at the passing scenery, with the mandatory “look at Sanzo every five minutes”. It would have been cute, if it wasn’t so heart wrenching.

As for Sanzo, he had feigned sleep all day, though no one was buying it. It had always amazed Hakkai how Sanzo could sit perfectly still like that for hours on end. He made a mental note to ask Sanzo about it after things got back to normal. If they ever did…

Hakkai pulled up next to an inn and the four men climbed out of Hakuryu. The dragon transformed back into his usual self and settled on Hakkai’s shoulder. He lovingly nuzzled his master’s face in an attempt to cheer him up. Hakkai affectionately patted him on the head whispering his thanks.

Sanzo walked straight into the inn and ordered three rooms. Hakkai cringed inwardly at the obvious implications. When Gojyo and he had started their relationship, Goku and Sanzo had also begun sharing a room. Though Sanzo had said that it was because he wanted to avoid any unnecessary questions, Hakkai always suspected that the monk was glad for the excuse to stay with Goku. Choosing three rooms held a double hurt though, as it flaunted their relationship and emphasized Goku and Sanzo’s fight.

Upon seeing the crestfallen look on Goku’s face, he could only assume that the young man felt the same. Goku had trailed in behind the other three, keeping a respectful distance away from Sanzo. But after hearing Sanzo’s request, he had taken a step forward and opened his mouth as if to speak. At that moment, Sanzo had turned. Any words died on Goku’s lips as the young man closed his mouth and turned away.

“Well, we’ve had a long drive, why don’t we go have some dinner?” Hakkai suggested. He didn’t like seeing Goku this upset, and hoped that a good dinner would brighten his spirits somewhat.

Gojyo joined in, maybe speaking just a little more cheerfully than was really necessary, “Sounds like a great idea.”

“I’m not hungry.” Sanzo’s comment drew the other’s attention. The monk curtly took his room key and went in the direction of the rooms. Goku stared after him, his expression making Hakkai’s heart twist.

“C’mon Goku,” he said while handing Goku his room key. “Let’s go eat. You need to keep up your strength.” Goku nodded dumbly and followed Gojyo and Hakkai in the opposite direction from Sanzo.

Dinner was a silent affair. Goku ate listlessly while the other two men watched him with open concern. After he had finished, Goku stood wordlessly and left the dining room.

“Something’s definitely going on here.” Gojyo’s voice brought Hakkai’s attention back to the table. Gojyo leaned back in his chair and drained his glass.

Hakkai unconsciously began to pet Hakuryu, a practice that always calmed him. “Yeah, it’s never been this bad before.”

“Well, Goku’s never molested Sanzo before either.”

“Gojyo!” Hakkai stiffened at the vulgar comment and the nonchalance with which it was spoken. 

“What? Someone had to say it.” Gojyo said defensively. He leaned forward and spoke conspiratorially. “Look, we were both there when Goku brought Sanzo back to the inn. You even healed him for Buddha’s sake! We both saw the state of his body and the blood on Goku’s hands. If that wasn’t enough, the look on the saru’s face told us everything we needed to know.”

Hakkai poured himself some more sake and drank deeply before answering. “I just don’t want to believe it. I mean this is Goku we’re talking about here.”

“No, this is Seiten Taisei. And I wouldn’t put anything past that bastard.” Gojyo had spoken harshly, but his expression softened as he saw the distraught face of his lover. He put a hand over Hakkai’s, offering silent comfort. He knew that Hakkai’s instinct as a teacher always made him want to help and that Goku’s pain was hurting him as well.

“We should probably go talk to Goku.” Hakkai finally muttered.

“I think it might be better if only you go, I mean I’m not really good at things like that, and I think he would be more comfortable with just you.” Gojyo ventured. The last thing that he wanted to do was make things worse. He knew how insensitive he could be.

“You’re not as dumb as you look.” Hakkai cracked.

“Hey!” Gojyo feigned anger, but inwardly he was glad to see Hakkai smile.

“Sorry.” Hakkai offered as he chuckled.

“No, you’re not.” Gojyo pouted briefly, then looked outside. “Anyway, if you’re going to be occupied, I think I’m going to go find a bar.” He stood and made for the door.

“Be good.” Hakkai called after him.

“I’m always good.” Gojyo called back with a devilish smirk.

Hakkai grinned affectionately then regarded their unfinished meal. I should probably take Sanzo some dinner. He put together some of the untouched food on a plate for Sanzo and carried it to the monk’s room. He knocked on the door, but didn’t receive a response. Not like I was expecting one.

Hakkai gently pushed the door open. Sanzo was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and smoking. “I brought you some dinner.” Hakkai said while walking into the room.

“Che.”

“Please be so kind as to take care of the dishes yourself.” He placed the tray on the table in the middle of the room and left quietly and quickly. Normally he might have berated the monk for his treatment of Goku, but today he was too worried about the saru to tarry long with the monk.

Hakkai walked across the hall to Goku’s room. He knocked on the door, and once again received no reply. Hakkai found Goku’s room to be little different. He was also lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. Hakkai smothered the amused smile that the similar scene brought.

He grabbed a chair from the table and placed it beside Goku’s bed. The young man’s eyes had yet to leave the ceiling, but he knew it was Hakkai. The older man didn’t even have to ask, Goku began speaking on his own.

“I don’t know what to do, Hakkai. He’s never treated me this way before.” Goku turned his gaze to the wall and mumbled, “Of course, I’ve never treated him that way before either.”

“What way?” Hakkai asked.

Goku punched the wall next to him in frustration. “Dammit Hakkai, you healed him, you saw his neck and stomach. You know what I did. No wonder he hates me.”

Hakkai looked out the window, digesting the information. Goku had done what he and Gojyo had suspected. The only question now was just how deeply had it affected Sanzo? There was one thing he was sure of though: “He doesn’t hate you, Goku. It wasn’t you, Sanzo knows that. “

Goku sat up suddenly and looked at Hakkai for the first time. “But it was me! Before I blacked out, I was thinking about doing the exact same-“ Goku stopped suddenly.

Hakkai raised an eyebrow at the slip. I guess it is good that Gojyo isn’t here. Goku still hadn’t moved, Hakkai was about to question him further when the boy spoke.

“Do you think Sanzo will ever forgive me?” The question was spoken so softly and full of self-doubt that Hakkai instinctively moved to embrace Goku. But before he could, the door opened. Hakkai’s and Goku’s heads jerked towards the sound.

Hakkai heard Goku’s breath hitch at the sight of Sanzo in the doorway. The monk briefly regarded his charge before looking over at Hakkai. His expression was very clear: ‘get out before I kill you’. Hakkai stood and gave Goku an encouraging smile before leaving the room. As the door closed behind him, he leaned against it momentarily. Thank Buddha Sanzo came.

Hakkai pushed off the door and made the short trek to his room beside Sanzo’s, silently wishing that Gojyo had decided to stay in tonight. He could really use the other’s company right now. Seeing Goku and Sanzo’s relationship suffering, made him more aware of lucky he was to have found Gojyo.

Hakkai slowly entered their empty room and began to dress for bed. Once in his more comfortable sleeping clothes he laid down on the mattress on his side staring at the empty side of the bed. It was stupid, he supposed, to be missing someone he just saw, but he couldn’t help it.  “Oh, Gojyo…” he muttered.

“Yeah?” Hakkai sat up in shock and saw a certain red headed kappa standing in the doorway.

Hakkai stared dumbly for a second, before a smile began to tug at the corners of his mouth. “I thought you went out.”

“I was going to,” Gojyo said as he moved into the room shutting the door behind him. He sat down on the bed, finishing his comment, “but then I decided that I would much rather be with you.” He punctuated his remark by kissing Hakkai.

Hakkai wrapped his arms around Gojyo deepening the kiss before pulling back. “Thank you.” 

Gojyo looked down at him with a frown on his face. “Are you ok?”

Hakkai smiled and nodded his head affirmatively. “I’ve just been reminded how lucky I am that’s all.”

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Sanzo stared at the ceiling in frustration. He was trying to be mad dammit. The only problem was that he could hear Goku. The annoying thing was that no one else could.

Even though no muffled sobs could be heard coming from the room across the hall, they were clear as bells in Sanzo’s head. He had spent years listening to Goku’s voice in his head. After he had saved him, the voice had gone away. Only returning when Goku was under moments of extreme duress. This was obviously one of those times.

He had heard him all day long. Sitting “silently” in the back seat. He envied Hakkai and Gojyo sometimes. They were immune to it. He had been forced to go into meditation for the whole trip, in order to avoid breaking down and comforting Goku. Sanzo thought he needed time away from Goku to get over that morning’s events, but now he wasn’t so sure.

Hakkai came into his room carrying a tray of food. He said something, but Sanzo wasn’t listening. He grunted noncommittally to whatever Hakkai had said, but his thoughts were occupied elsewhere. How could he possible be angry when Goku was so obviously troubled over what he had done? It’s not like it was Goku anyway. It was as though an entirely different person had attacked him.

Sanzo frowned as he realized he had begun to absentmindedly run his fingers over the scars in his chest. His shirt was so thin that he could feel the raised skin beneath it. His, huh? Even though Goku wasn’t totally in control, some fear of losing him had probably fueled Seiten Taisei’s actions.

Sanzo’s thoughts were interrupted as he heard Hakkai leave the room. His eyes narrowed when he realized that Hakkai was going to Goku’s room. There was no way Hakkai would be able to help Goku, much as he wanted to. He couldn’t hear the silent cry of Goku’s heart. There was no way that he could ever understand him. Not the way I do.

He gave a frustrated sigh and got out of bed. He left his room and crossed the hall to Goku’s, but his motions ceased as he heard a soft question through the door. “Do you think Sanzo will ever forgive me?” Bakasaru. He thought as he opened the door.

Goku sat up quickly in bed, his eyes widening at what he saw. Sanzo stared at him impassively as always, careful to give nothing away. Sanzo switched his gaze to Hakkai, changing it from impassive to ‘leave or die.’ Luckily Hakkai was very observant and quickly left the room, shutting the door behind himself.

Sanzo listened to Hakkai’s footsteps and didn’t move or speak until he heard Hakkai enter his own room. Thus assured, he moved forward and sat down in the chair that Hakkai had so previously occupied.

The entire time, Goku’s eyes had never left Sanzo’s face. Sanzo finally made eye contact with him and spoke. “Stop it.”

Goku blinked in confusion. As far as he knew he hadn’t been doing anything. Anxious not to anger his keeper further he asked,  “Stop what?”

“Stop crying.” It was spoken strictly. Almost a demand. Sanzo inwardly mused that when one was comforting, he should probably be a little softer.

“I’m not crying.” Goku protested. At least not outwardly.

Sanzo’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t lie to me.”

Goku turned his eyes away, no longer able to meet Sanzo’s. He spoke contritely and with barely restrained emotion in his voice. “Gomen. Honto, gomen.”

Sanzo sighed, “It wasn’t you.”

“But Sanzo I-“

“Urasai.” Goku was cut off by Sanzo’s statement.  “However you’ve convinced yourself that it was your fault, I don’t care. I know you would never hurt me.” Sanzo’s voice softened considerably and he looked away as he almost whispered,  “So don’t cry anymore.”

Goku studied Sanzo’s profile, his face frozen in shock. Sanzo didn’t blame him. A feeling stirred in his stomach and slowly spread throughout his body. Goku’s face stretched into a smile and he felt as if he might burst with happiness. Sanzo didn’t hate him.  “Sank you.”

Sanzo let a ghost of a smile cross his features. He stood to leave, but stopped as arms were thrown about his waist. Goku pressed his face into Sanzo’s stomach, “Can I stay with you tonight?” he whispered.

[~:.:~]

[~end of chapter~]