[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

===

~A Simple Kiss~

Summary:

3x9 (SanzoxGoku) - Neither one could explain why it happened, but they all knew that this could change everything.

Warnings:

R (sex scene) Shounen ai, 3x9 yaoi, Probably major OOC-ness, especially for Sanzo. Minor bad language, again especially for Sanzo.

===

Chapter Fifteen: Desires Culminated

Goku followed Sanzo down the inn hallway to their new room, the last room on the right, a couple doors down from the others. As much as he wanted the comfort of being near the monk, the first thing he wanted to do was take a bath. The blood on his hands and clothes was all he could smell. The dried spots were making his skin itch and crawl. The coppery scent made his mood spiral downwards again, now that he was outside the comfort of Sanzo’s arms. He was covered with the blood of countless others, both friend and foe, though it was the friend part that bothered him most. Remorse surged through him again, and he snuck a look at Sanzo. The scratches on the monk’s face and neck made him feel horribly guilty, though he covered it up with a smile when the man glanced at him. Sanzo’s suspicious look made him think he had not hidden it well. Goku glanced away, uncomfortable with the way Sanzo seemed to see right through him.

Sanzo unlocked the door and they stepped inside. Goku scanned the room: much the same as the room they were in before, with the exception of one double bed instead of four singles. And… oh, could it be true? “Sanzo, this room has a bathroom attached!” A large tub sat to one side, and it was all he could do not to start stripping off his bloody garments right away.

Sanzo followed him into the bathroom, commenting, “Hakkai must have asked for this specifically. Probably realized you hadn’t had a chance to bathe yet.”

“And boy, do I need it. I stink.” Goku tried his best to sound like his normally cheerful self, but the effort fell flat. He could tell Sanzo was not fooled.

The monk shot him a sharp glance. “Come here.”

The younger man hung back, shaking his head slightly. He was unwilling to bring his sullied presence closer to Sanzo.

“Yes.”

Goku took a tentative step closer. “I need to wash. I want the blood off…” His voice trailed into silence.

Sanzo closed the distance, cupped his chin in gentle fingers, and brought their foreheads together. “Do what you need to. I’ll be here.” He emphasized the words with a tender kiss.

Goku smiled at him, a real smile this time. “Thanks, Sanzo… for everything.”

Sanzo returned the smile and walked back into the bedroom. “Take your time.”

Goku closed the door and stripped off his soiled clothing as quickly as he could. He pushed the pile as far away as he could, trying to remove himself from the tainted reminder of his sin. Twisting the tap as far as it would go, he made the water as hot as he could stand it. It took hardly any time to fill the bathtub, and he sunk into the hot water gratefully. He dunked his head under, trying to get the blood off as quickly as possible. Sitting back with a sigh, he took the washcloth and soap and began to scrub at his skin. If only the marks on his soul were as easy to remove. He scrubbed and scrubbed until every inch of skin he could reach was pink and stinging. He still did not feel clean, and threw the cloth at the wall in frustration. It fell onto the floor with a watery plop. Damn it. Would he never be clean again? His head dropped and he brought his knees to his chest. Tears trickled down his cheeks. He could not stop blaming himself for what had happened. Despite what they had all said, he was the cause of their pain. He and he alone had put them at risk. How could they forgive him so easily when he could not forgive himself? He swiped at his eyes angrily. He could never atone for his sin against them. And he could never be sure he would not do it again.

Goku wondered whether it would be better if he not continue the journey, but he dismissed the thought quickly. He could not leave Sanzo. Hadn’t the man just said he wanted him with him? Even if he had not said it, Goku could not imagine his life without Sanzo. He would wither up and die without the light from his sun. He had tried to become stronger, for Sanzo, for all of them, but he was still the same needy child. An out-of-control child that tried to kill them occasionally, but a child nonetheless. It was not like the others would ever say it was true, but he felt it regardless. When would he be able to hold his head up and get the respect that he so wanted from them? But he was not worthy of it, no matter how much he wanted to be. Their caring words only made him feel worse, for he knew he did not deserve them.

Goku sniffled, wiping at his cheeks with the back of his hand. He was not doing anyone any good moping around like this. He knew he had to buck up and face them all. There must be something he could do to make things better. He would do whatever he had to. He could not stand it if they looked at him as a monster, despite the fact that it was how he saw himself.  He would hold onto his guilt as long as necessary to remind himself of what he had come so close to losing.

A sound at the doorway and the drift of a familiar smell brought Goku’s head up. Sanzo was leaning against the doorframe, a cigarette in one hand. The blonde was looking at him in a way that sent shivers down Goku’s spine despite the hot water. “S-Sanzo. I didn’t hear the door.”

“Seems to me you were too concerned with beating yourself up.” There was a gentleness in the tone that he rarely heard.

Goku immediately became defensive of his guilt. “Only reminding myself of the truth.”

Sanzo sighed. “What truth? That you’re a monster? That you don’t deserve to be with us? Those are not truths, and no one believes them except you.”

“That doesn’t make them untrue. What am I supposed to think after what I did?”

“Didn’t we just go through this outside? Listen to me this time. We want you here. You are not a monster.”

“Then what am I?” The tears were beginning to overwhelm him again.

Sanzo stubbed the cigarette out on the wall and tossed the butt into the trash. Approaching the tub, he crouched down to be at Goku’s eye level. “You’re you. That’s all we expect you to be. It’s all *I* need you to be.”

Goku was caught in the care radiating from those calm violet eyes. “How can you so easily forgive what I did?”

“It wasn’t you that did it. It might be different if you knowingly tried to kill us, but that wasn’t you. It was your body, but not your mind, and that’s what makes you who you are.” Sanzo hesitated and bit his lip, then went on. “And because…” Sanzo reached forward and brushed the tears off Goku’s cheeks with a gentle touch. “… because I care about you, Goku. You’ve come to mean as much to me as I mean to you. If this hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have realized that.” The monk leaned in and touched their lips together. Goku grabbed at Sanzo’s shirt with a wet hand and pulled him closer, clinging to him. He needed this, needed his warmth. It was the only thing that drove the shadowy demons away.

[~:.:~]

Sanzo finally pulled back, easing Goku’s fist off his shirt. “I think this is something better continued after you are out of the tub.” Pausing to roll up his sleeves, he picked up the washcloth from the floor and lathered it with soap. Goku looked at him wide-eyed. “Well, do you want my help or not?” He was careful to keep any irritation out of his voice; Goku was upset enough as it was. To his surprise, the young man blushed. Sanzo snorted. As if he had not been sitting here the whole time; not to mention the fact that they had already been intimate once. After all the time they had lived together, suddenly the saru had developed a sense of modesty.

“Come on, scoot forward.” As usual when given a direct command, Goku obeyed, still blushing. Placing a hand on the younger man’s arm to steady himself, Sanzo began to wash his back, rubbing in gentle circles. The muscles under his hand tensed slightly at his initial touch, but relaxed under his movement. The frown on Goku’s face was slowly replaced by an expression of pure bliss. At last he was calming down. Sanzo had found the look of utter despair that had been on his face frightening. It made him want to hurt someone. He mentally laughed at himself. Who was being overprotective now? He was determined not to let those golden eyes be shadowed like that again.

Turning his attention back to his task, he admired the smooth muscles of Goku’s back and shoulders, even more alluring now than they had looked under his shirt. The young man really was amazing. So much power so tightly contained. It was sometimes easy to forget that Goku was the strongest of their group, but not when confronted by the evidence at such close range. Sanzo brought his other hand into play, reveling in the feeling of strength under his palms. Goku shivered slightly at the touch, and the shiver repeated itself in Sanzo. Gods, what was he getting himself into?

Forcing his mind back onto neutral pathways, Sanzo was struck by how much Goku had grown up recently. Even his level of guilt at what had happened spoke of more maturity than he had possessed at the start of their journey. He had not reacted this badly the other times he had become Seiten Taisei. Perhaps now, with Sanzo’s help, he would be better able to control the power contained within him. Reluctantly sitting back on his haunches, Sanzo then stood up and moved away from the tub. “Come on. I think you’re clean enough.”

Goku started to stand up, but hesitated, looking at Sanzo with another blush. When the blonde didn’t move, he turned around and stood up slowly. Sanzo had to withhold a startled gasp. With the water running off his lithe, tanned body, Sanzo found him breathtaking. Reaching blindly behind himself for a towel, he tossed it to the brunette. Goku grabbed it out of the air and wrapped it around his waist. When he turned around, there was uncertainty in his eyes.

Sanzo extended a hand to help him out of the tub, but Goku didn’t take it. Looking away, the youkai asked softly, “How can you stand to touch me?”  ‘After what I did.’ The words were unspoken, but came across clearly, and Sanzo understood now the shame that had made Goku blush and which he had mistaken for modesty.

Sanzo reached out further to grasp Goku’s elbow. “Don’t be childish. Come on, get out.”

Goku did as requested, but backed away as soon as he could. “I’m not being childish.” He grabbed another towel and turned away from Sanzo, drying his hair.

“Yes, you are.” The monk sighed. Obviously his words were not enough. The guilt Goku was feeling ran too deep. A few steps brought him behind the young man, and Sanzo wrapped his arms around him, pulling him back against his chest. Goku was unresponsive, refusing to relax into the embrace. Nuzzling at his neck, Sanzo added, “Do you have any idea just how much I want to touch you?”

Goku stiffened and pulled away, walking into the bedroom and sitting down on the edge of the bed. His face was etched with sorrow, and his eyes glistened with tears again. He propped his elbows up on his knees and buried his face in his hands. His words were anguished. “Why? I’ve wanted this for so long. But I don’t deserve it.”

Sanzo could not help but feel frustrated. They were repeating the same arguments again and again. He fought down his rising impatience. What could he possibly do to make Goku understand? He walked over and crouched in front of the young man, pulling his hands away from his face. “Look at me.” Goku turned his face away, blinking desperately to hide his tears. Sanzo shook him slightly. “Look at me!” Slowly, the youkai met his eyes. “I know you’re hurting. I can’t stop that. But I won’t leave you alone with that pain.”

Goku searched his face, questioning his sincerity. Wanting to reassure him, Sanzo laced their fingers together and squeezed slightly. “I care about you. It’s taken me a long time to realize that.” He had to get Goku to think about what he was doing. The young man was trapped in the nightmare of his actions and refusing to take the comfort Sanzo was anxious to give him. “You said you loved me, why push me away now?”

A look of horror crossed Goku’s face. Dropping to his knees in front of Sanzo, he threw his arms around him and buried his face in his neck. The quiet sobs that shook the young body and the wetness on his neck told Sanzo Goku had finally let go, and he felt his own tension dissolve. Shifting slightly to get more comfortable, Sanzo wrapped his arms around Goku’s shoulders and held him close. He twined a hand in Goku’s hair and pressed a kiss on the side of his head.

He was not sure how long they stayed that way, but as Goku’s sobs slowed, Sanzo realized his legs were numb. He stood slowly, pulling the young man up with him, and Goku did not resist. The arms around him tightened. “I’m not going anywhere, Goku. It’s going to be okay.”

The young man did not answer, but his breathing evened out and the sobs stopped entirely. Sanzo rubbed his back in slow circles, trying to suppress the warm feelings being kindled by the bare skin under his palm. He was filled with desire for the young man pressed against him, but unlike their previous encounter, the desire was further enhanced by his feelings. Goku had allowed him to decide if this was what he wanted, and he had. He *wanted* Goku, in every sense of the word. He wanted the earth spirit, body and soul, and he wanted to give of himself in the same way.

Finally Goku loosened his grip and took a step back. That was exactly what Sanzo had been waiting for. He crouched slightly and slipped an arm behind Goku’s knees, lifting the young man and placing him on the bed. Sanzo half expected an outraged outburst, and was disconcerted when none came. Goku stayed still, hair shadowing his eyes. Sanzo took a second to strip off his shirt, then crawled onto the bed, sliding down until he was nose to nose with Goku. He brushed the young man’s bangs back, and the golden eyes slid closed. Sanzo frowned, frustrated to be so tantalized by Goku when the youkai was too eaten by guilt to react. He understood how Goku must have felt last night. Sanzo stroked Goku’s arm from his shoulder to his hand and interlaced their fingers. He examined their hands, noting how well they fit together, admiring the contrast of tanned skin with pale ivory. He squeezed slightly, and Goku hesitantly squeezed back. “You said you don’t deserve me. Why? Because of what happened? It’s just one event in our journey, nothing more, nothing less. Because you couldn’t control yourself? The blame is not only yours. It was *my* life you were trying to protect.” Goku opened his eyes slightly and Sanzo tightened his hold on his hand. “Yes, a part of you is dangerous, but that’s who you are. I didn’t hate you for it before, and I don’t now. I’ve accepted it and all the consequences that go with it, and you have to do the same.”

Goku’s eyes were fully open now, and while they were at first colored by disbelief, the more Sanzo said, the more that faded. “But—”

“No more buts. You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said. I’m not going to say them all again.” If he could not get the young man to listen, he would have to show him. Sanzo placed Goku’s hand over his heart, his breathing deepening at the warmth of the younger man’s palm on his breast. “Feel that? It means I’m still alive. And you are too. You have always rejoiced in life; and without knowing it until now, I’ve drawn strength from your joy; don’t stop now.” He pressed his lips against Goku’s, and the young man slowly responded. Sanzo poured all his care and concern into their joining, and Goku absorbed it like a sponge.

Sanzo felt his skin beginning to heat, and broke their kiss, careful not to let himself get carried away too quickly. Goku gave him a small smile, and relief at getting a response swept through Sanzo. He laced his legs with Goku’s, pulling him closer, and placed a light kiss on his forehead, then his cheek, then barely brushed their lips together. Raising himself up on one elbow, he breathed gently into the young man’s ear, and Goku squirmed beneath him. Sanzo trailed his hand down Goku’s back, stopping at the edge of the towel still tightly wrapped around his waist. Tugging gently on the terrycloth edge, he loosened it enough to reach inside. As his fingertips caressed the soft skin of Goku’s ass, Sanzo held his breath, desire pulsing through his veins. Goku shivered against him, stoking Sanzo’s fire. Closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to restrain himself, he was surprised when lips caressed his neck. The feeling was exquisite, and he arched his back, no longer able to conceal his arousal. He forced himself to pull away, wanting to give Goku whatever time he needed.

Goku looked into Sanzo’s eyes and placed a gentle hand on his neck, drawing him forward. Lips just barely touching, the younger man whispered a single word. “Please.” It was all the encouragement Sanzo needed. He pressed down on Goku, forcing him to roll onto his back, trapping his hand underneath the young man as their lips stroked each other. He freed the hand with little difficulty, and trailed his fingers up Goku’s side, leaving goose bumps in their wake. Goku threaded both hands in his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss. They were wrapped together, breathing each other in with every heave of their chests. Sanzo’s head spun, and every inch of his skin was flushed with desire. The feeling of Goku’s body was intoxicating, and he could not stop touching him, caressing him. Every movement of their bodies, every contact of their tongues, burned with their passion for each other, newly discovered emotions sending that passion soaring to ever-greater heights. Goku’s gentle touch on his neck, his back, his shoulders, slowly growing more forceful, was filled with love. Their lips quoted volumes of unspoken poetry, sonnets of adoration and ardor.

Sweat-slicked skin slid against skin, and their heartbeats pulsed in time. Goku’s towel was gone, tossed away by one of them, Sanzo knew not which. The young man’s hands were currently fumbling with his zipper, tugging his pants down and away, and then they were both naked. Sanzo’s flesh sang with exhilaration at the freedom to touch and be touched. His every nerve fired overwhelming sensations into his brain, and he was consumed by the alluring young man beneath him. Their wordless communication grew more heated as their souls intertwined. Sanzo was not sure where he ended and Goku began. They seemed to know each other as intimately as they knew themselves, caressing, kissing, stroking in just the right places. Sanzo’s head swam, his own thudding heart drowning out coherent thought. Strong hands pressed against him, ripping a moan from his throat, gentle motion taking his breath away. He returned the attention, and vaguely heard Goku groan. His name caught his attention, and he was filled with the need to hear it again. No one could ever say his name the way Goku did, filling each syllable with such emotion.

Sanzo increased the tempo of his movement, and Goku’s moans increased in volume. Passion thrummed through him at the cries, making his body quiver. He tasted Goku, and the young man’s earthy scent filled his senses. Sanzo was filled with the vibrations that coursed through the lithe, tanned body beneath him. They reverberated in his body and mind, breaking him apart and reassembling him in new and unfamiliar shapes. He was becoming what he needed to be, one who could call Goku his, and be called Goku’s in return. Sanzo ached with the need to be joined with Goku, to complete their unification. He wanted to spill his emotions into the younger man, and receive the assurance that they were returned. Hands gripped his shoulders tightly, digging into his muscles in a combination of pleasure and pain. Sanzo luxuriated in the strange sensation as it increased his ever-growing need.

Their union was a shock for both of them, and they gasped. Sanzo was fulfilled by the sense of completeness that swept over him. It was as if he had been missing a part of himself without even knowing it, and now it had returned to him. His movements were slow and deliberate, controlled by his desire to make this last as long as possible. Goku panted beneath him, hands clenched around his forearms, legs locked around his back, urging him on. The young man choked out the first coherent sentence he had said since they had begun. “Gods, Sanzo. Don’t stop.”

Despite his body’s desire to clench his eyes shut and throw his head back, Sanzo kept his gaze on Goku. The younger man’s eyelids fluttered open and closed, pupils rolled back as he struggled to breathe, lips parted and red from hard use. A flush colored his skin under his tan, and sweat rolled down his face. He moved with Sanzo, speeding up the pace, deepening their contact. Sanzo struggled to keep control of himself, fighting a losing battle. The combination of the intense pleasure and the feelings he shared with Goku were too much for him. He moaned Goku’s name as wave after wave of pleasure slammed into him, stealing his breath. Goku was chanting his name as if it was a sacred prayer, getting louder with every stroke. Sweat and damp hair dripped into Sanzo’s eyes, and he freed a hand to brush them away. Wanting to pleasure just as much as he was being pleased, Sanzo grasped Goku. The young man pounded his free hand into the blankets, gripping them in a white knuckled fist, twisting them as he squirmed.

It did not take much longer for Goku to hit his peak. His head slammed into the bed and his back arched as he screamed Sanzo’s name. His release tipped Sanzo over the edge on which he had been riding for so long. With a hiss, his eyes clenched shut and his mind exploded in a golden haze. His lips formed words of their own volition as his heart spoke them. “I love you, Goku.”

As the intensity subsided, Sanzo pitched forward, barely holding his body off Goku’s with trembling arms. He forced his eyes open, only to see Goku staring at him in shock. “Did… did you just say what I think you said?”

Sanzo pulled back, turning his body to the side and collapsing next to Goku. Still panting, he replied, “What do you think I said?”

“That you… love me?” Goku’s voice was full of hope as he stared at the man he loved.

“Then why did you ask?” Even now, it was not in Sanzo’s nature to answer a stupid question.

“I love you, too.” The young man’s reply came from the depths of his soul.

Sanzo pulled Goku into his arms and placed an exhausted kiss on his lips. Goku responded with all the passion he could muster, and they exchanged assurances of love in the simple contact. The kiss was soft and brief, but held the promise of many more to come, many more days spent together. Their heartbeats slowed, and their breathing evened out. Goku laid his head on Sanzo’s chest and wrapped an arm around him, snuggling close. Sanzo laced their fingers together and hugged the younger man with his free arm. Complete in their love for each other, they closed their eyes and slept.

[~:.:~]

[~end of chapter~]