[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

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~A Simple Kiss~

Summary:

3x9 (SanzoxGoku) - Neither one could explain why it happened, but they all knew that this could change everything.

Warnings:

PG-13 Shounen ai, 3x9 yaoi, Probably major OOC-ness, especially for Sanzo. Minor bad language, again especially for Sanzo.

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Chapter Ten: Pulse Points and Tight Shirts

Sanzo stared at the closed door. What the hell was that all about? Gojyo had seemed in a real hurry to get away from them, practically yanking Hakkai inside, leaving him and Goku… oh. Shit. Sanzo looked down at the young man next to him, who was still staring at the door in confusion. He knew, he just knew, that Gojyo had done this on purpose. Sanzo sighed to himself and tried to ignore the slight feelings of panic beginning in his stomach. "Come on, Goku," he growled.

Goku looked up at him, then blinked, apparently just realizing what this would mean. "Umm… okay."

Sanzo turned to the other door and strode inside, not looking back to see if the saru was following. He sat down on the windowsill and drew out a cigarette. It wasn't that he didn't want Goku near him, it was just… they hadn't really been alone since that night. The object of his thoughts had followed him into the room, quietly shutting the door. He had taken off his cape and shoulder armor and was now seated on the bed opposite in his t-shirt and jeans, fidgeting. His face was still slightly flushed from the beer, and Sanzo could feel faint heat in his own cheeks as well.

So he was to be locked in a room all night with the saru, both of them tipsy. If he wasn't so uncomfortable, the situation might actually be funny. As it was, Sanzo felt increasingly trapped. Looking for escape, he leaned forward and pushed the window open. The sound drew Goku's attention, and when Sanzo looked back towards the young man, he found Goku's golden eyes fixed on himself. He couldn't help the shiver that ran through him under that intent gaze.

They stared at each other for a moment, each unable to look away. Goku got up slowly from the bed, stumbling only slightly, and advanced on him. The younger man lightly brushed a warm hand down his exposed shoulder. Every point of skin his hand touched erupted into flames. Unnerved by his own reaction, Sanzo removed Goku's hand from his shoulder. At Goku's fleeting look of disappointment, Sanzo felt compelled – perhaps by the alcoholic haze – to bring the hand up to his mouth and press his lips to Goku's palm. The young man's fingers interlaced with his and squeezed slightly. Sanzo looked into Goku's eyes shining with tenderness. Though he was uncertain, he didn't move away when the younger man leaned in and kissed him.

Sanzo felt as though his head was caught in a whirlwind. He wanted this, and he recognized that he wanted it; but he also knew he shouldn't let it happen. Despite his confession to Hakkai that he cared for Goku, it still didn't feel right. Goku wasn't thinking straight – hell, he wasn't thinking straight! – and he didn't want to take advantage of the young man any more than he already had. Hakkai's words rang in his head; 'How are you taking advantage of something he's obviously willing to give?' Goku certainly wasn't complaining right now. He was kissing Sanzo with an intensity that was making it hard to think.

Sanzo broke away, breathing heavily, wanting space and time to think things through. Goku almost fell forward at his movement, and Sanzo unconsciously put out a hand to steady him. Feeling the smooth muscle under his palm wasn't helping his thought process at all. He needed to get out of here, or get Goku out, at least for a few minutes.

"Goku." The young man looked up from his study of the hand against his chest. "Get me..." – he couldn't ask for a beer, he'd already had enough for tonight – "a glass of water."

The surprise reflected in the golden eyes wasn't unexpected. Goku didn't argue though, just moved away from him and headed towards the door. Knowing he would need more time than that, Sanzo desperately tried to think of something else to stall him. "And… could you bring me..." – 'think, damn it!' –  "another pack of cigarettes. Make sure you leave a note saying you took them." There, that should stall the boy for a little while. He would have to go down to the kitchen store, find the cigarettes, find paper for a note, then all the way back up to their room. Goku glanced at the still mostly full pack he had laid on the windowsill, but didn't say anything.

As the door closed behind Goku, Sanzo let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He reached for a cigarette and scowled at his shaking hands. Willing them to stop shaking, he lit his cigarette. The smoke invading his lungs gave him a heady feeling as the nicotine mixed with the alcohol. At least it helped clear his head. Knowing he didn't have much time, Sanzo tried to think about what he would do when Goku came back. Could he allow himself to return the feelings freely given to him? And if he couldn't, was it fair to Goku to let this continue? He shook his head. No, it wasn't fair to either of them. So how did he really feel? Again, he heard Hakkai's voice: 'What good will come out of denying yourself?' What good would he lose by denying himself? The loyalty and love of the only person who ever made him believe he could care again?

But what about… his heart lurched. What about the pain he had felt – still felt – at losing his master? The fear underlying all his concerns struck him again. As much as Goku said it aloud, it was true for himself as well. He didn't want to be alone again. He had been alone for so long, and though he would never admit it to the others, he couldn't face the idea of going back to that. What if he allowed these feelings to grow and something happened to Goku? What if he didn't allow it, and that same something happened? Would he really be any less devastated at his loss? He already cared about the young youkai, it was too late to do anything about that. So was his reticence only costing him future happiness?

[~:.:~]

When Goku pushed the door open and came in, a glass in one hand and cigarettes in the other, Sanzo felt composed enough to face him again. He quirked an eyebrow when he noticed a whole carton of Marlboro Reds instead of just the pack he had requested. Goku brought him the water and cigarettes, a slight smile on his face, startlingly mature compared to his normal goofy grin. It reminded Sanzo of the smile Goku had given him when the young man had grabbed his hand on the stairs two nights ago, a smile that reached into his eyes and brought out his true years. Sanzo was glad to see there was no sadness in those eyes. Even after 500 years locked away, alone, the ageless youkai held no bitterness in him. He was still pure and innocent, unmarred by the grief he had experienced. Sanzo felt a longing grow in himself for this oldest of youths.

Taking the glass, Sanzo set it aside, then turned back for the cigarettes. Goku held onto the carton for a moment, letting his fingers linger on Sanzo's longer than needed, and the simple touch sent tingles up the monk's spine. Sanzo couldn't explain this draw he had towards his younger charge, but he knew it had always been there. All he had to do was accept it for it to grow. Nagging uncertainties filled the back of his mind, growing into an intense headache.

Sanzo stood up from the windowsill, but Goku didn't step back. They were so close that he could feel Goku's warm breath on his skin. The shorter man looked up at him, gentle smile still in place, and his eyes told Sanzo that it was his move. He hesitated for a moment despite his desire, uncertain what to do. Goku's closeness was distracting, so he stepped away from him, grabbing his cigarettes and sitting down at the table. In the quiet of the room, the sound of his lighter was loud, and every breath he took echoed in his ears. Listening for movement from the boy behind him, he heard nothing, so was taken by surprise when he suddenly felt Goku next to him. The youkai pressed close to Sanzo's side, laying an arm across his neck and shoulders, and wrapping the other around his head, fingers tangled in his golden bangs. Goku pulled Sanzo's head against his chest and laid his chin atop it, placing a light kiss there. At the first movement Sanzo had tensed, but the comforting gesture made him relax a little. He knew that if he didn't want to send Goku the wrong signals he should break away, but he didn't.

Goku moved first, dropping his arms and backing up slightly. Sanzo felt relieved when the young man backed away, but suddenly Goku was in his lap, legs on either side of the chair, straddling him. The position heated his alcohol-enhanced blood again, and it didn't help when the young man leaned forward and gave him a soul-searing kiss. Sanzo put his hands on Goku's shoulders to push him away, but Goku shoved them away and laid his head on Sanzo's shoulder, kissing his neck lightly. Curious and unable to fight, Sanzo burrowed his nose in the soft chocolate-brown hair, inhaling deeply. Goku smelled faintly of smoke – his smoke – mixed with sweat and the dust from their day's journey. It gave him an earthy smell that fit him perfectly. He felt the young man's arms encircle his shoulders, hands running over his neck. His already flushed skin grew still warmer at the touch, and he turned his head, lips finding the pulse point under Goku's jaw. The heartbeat there was strong and fast, and as Sanzo drew his tongue down, he felt it speed up even more. The pulse seemed to fill his whole body as Goku tilted his head back, and his own heartbeat stuttered until the beats matched.

The taste of sweat on Goku's skin was intoxicating, and Sanzo's mouth progressed up to nip at his ear. Goku let out a throaty moan, hands gripping Sanzo tightly. The monk caressed the young man's neck, holding him still. He rubbed gentle circles at the base of Goku's skull, causing him to drop his head back even farther, exposing a graceful curve from jaw to collar. He took his time, kissing every exposed inch of flesh until he hit the neckline of Goku's shirt. Sanzo pushed it aside and traced the prominent collarbones with his tongue. Goku gasped into his ear, and suddenly Sanzo's mind caught up to what his body was doing. He stiffened, opening his arms, and Goku, who had been leaning against them, tumbled to the floor.

As the younger man gaped up at him, Sanzo got to his feet. Angered at himself, he whipped out his fan and smacked Goku soundly over the head.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"For…" For what? For being desirable? For loving? "For tempting me." It was a lame answer, and he knew it.

Goku sputtered, unable to express himself coherently, until Sanzo brandished the fan again. Not wanting another blow, the young man fell silent, but crossed his arms and twisted his face into a scowl. The look was so out of place on his boyish face that Sanzo had to turn away to hide an amused smirk. He grabbed his cigarettes on his way back to the window. He seized the forgotten glass of water and drank it, relishing its coolness. The window was still open, and he leaned out to allow the cool night breeze to cool his face. Sanzo closed his eyes. This situation wasn't getting any easier. He shouldn't have had so many beers, and he cursed Gojyo for suggesting it. The alcohol was confusing him, making it hard to do what he knew he should.

On hearing movement behind him, Sanzo straightened, but Goku's arms around his waist prevented him from turning around. The young man laid his cheek on Sanzo's shoulder, face turned away, silky hair brushing his cheek. In the reflection of the glass, Sanzo could see them both, images slightly distorted. Growing frustration began to eat at him, and he scowled at himself, destroying the peaceful picture the window displayed. His conflicting desires and logic were making his head throb. He was tired of his uncertainty standing in the way of his duty to both his charge and himself. The fact that he didn't know what that duty was didn't escape him.

The headache eating away at what little rational thought he had, Sanzo shoved Goku's arms away and turned around, sitting down on the windowsill. The pack still in his hand, he pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. He patted his pockets, looking for his lighter. He glanced around the room, finally seeing the missing object lying on the table.

When he stood up to get it, Goku laid a hand on his arm. "I'll get it."

Sanzo watched as Goku walked to the table. He realized it had been a while since he had looked – *really* looked – at Goku. While he still appeared younger than his assumed age, much less his true age, the boy was a boy no longer. He moved with catlike grace, long limbs held in constant readiness. His shirt clung to his broad shoulders and outlined the firm muscles of his back. Sanzo hadn't noticed it before, but with the cape and armor out of the way, it was obvious that the young man needed a new shirt. And new pants as well. They clung to his body like a second skin, showing off well-muscled legs. It wasn't that Sanzo hadn't noticed the young ladies in recent towns paying extra attention to their group, but he had assumed it was due to Gojyo and his playboy attitude. Now he wondered if that was really the case. Sanzo was disgusted at himself. How could he act properly towards Goku when just watching the young man move was turning him on again?

The lean warrior snagged the lighter off the table and made his way back to Sanzo's side. He held out the object, and Sanzo reached for it, but Goku drew it back at the last moment, and the older man's hand closed on empty air. Scowling at the young man, Sanzo reached out and snatched the lighter. He lit his cigarette, making sure to secure the damn thing in his pocket this time. When he looked up again, Goku was closer, uncertainty and doubt coloring his features. Sanzo turned away, uncomfortable at their close proximity.

"Sanzo?" Goku's voice broke into his thoughts.

Sanzo's eyes flicked back to Goku's face, and the youkai continued. "Are you okay?"

Sanzo sighed. How in the hell was he supposed to answer that question? He decided on an obvious answer, ignoring the deeper realities. "Just a headache."

"Oh." The young man looked away, then back again. He reached out a tentative hand towards Sanzo's head, and Sanzo flinched away from the touch. He expected Goku to back away, but instead the boy reached out more forcefully and pressed his hand on Sanzo's forehead, thumb and ring finger on his temples. Sanzo was oddly reminded of himself restoring Goku's limiter in the desert. The similarity was further enforced when Goku's hand began to glow green, and Sanzo almost expected to feel a band of metal circling his head. Instead, he found the headache lessening, then dispersing entirely. As the glow faded, Goku removed his hand, then finally backed away. The look on his face took Sanzo by surprise. He could see the same determination and resolve that had appeared after their last battle, when Goku had stood up to him. The look would have been out of place on the boy, but it wasn't on the man.

Something stirred inside Sanzo as he watched Goku. His physical desire was still strong, but this was more than that. This… man… in front of him radiated strength and confidence. Sanzo was filled with the impulse to touch him, to share something with him, and he stretched out a curious hand towards Goku's face.

Before he even saw it move, a hand was gripping his wrist. "No." The voice was gentle but firm.

Sanzo was surprised, and it showed in his voice. "What?"

"Just… no." Goku pushed Sanzo's hand away, then let go of his wrist.

He wanted to be angry, but his curiosity about this stranger overwhelmed his anger. "Why?"

Goku walked over to the bed and sat down before answering. "Because this isn't what you want. Or at least, you don't know if it is."

Sanzo couldn't deny the truth, but rather than acknowledge that Goku was right, his belligerent nature took over. "And what makes you suppose you know what I want?"

The unusual maturity still evident, Goku quirked an eyebrow at him. The action startled Sanzo; it was his own expression reflected back at him. "Maybe because my ass still hurts from when you dumped me on the floor?"

If Sanzo had been the type to laugh, he might have. As it was, he had to fight down an amused smirk. Goku saw it, and smiled slightly in response. There was silence for a moment, and Goku looked away before speaking. "Don't think I don't want you, Sanzo. I do." The young man looked up and caught Sanzo's eyes before continuing. "I've wanted you for a long time. But not like this."

He thought he understood, but asked anyway. "Like what?"

"With you uncertain." Goku stood up and walked back to him. Sanzo watched him come, and saw the look in his eyes, so was only partially surprised when the young man laid a hand on his cheek. The hand was trembling. This stranger may act confident, but he was still Goku. The thought was comforting. "Sanzo, I…I love you. I have for a long time. I don't want this to be just a casual thing to you. I want you to be with me because you love me back, not because we've both had too much to drink."

He knew. He wasn't blind to the way Goku looked at him. But hearing it said was like a physical blow, and his chest ached. Sanzo struggled to breath normally, to calm his racing heart. Grasping desperately at his composure, he slipped back into a familiar mask. Pulling away from Goku's hand, he said coldly, "You ask too much of me."

Goku was unfazed by his retreat. When had he become so strong? "I know. That's why I want you to be sure it's what you really want. I don't want things to be uncomfortable between us. I can't deal with that, it hurts too much."

Sanzo understood. The discomfort that had plagued him after that night was not something he cared to repeat either.

"So you understand? I want this, Sanzo, I want you, but I can wait until you decide if you want me."

Sanzo felt an unexpected wave of relief spread over him. He still didn't know what he wanted, but the young man's honesty and maturity freed him. Maybe allowing himself to love Goku would be okay. "Thank you," he said simply, truly meaning it.

Goku gave him a little grin, though Sanzo could tell it took some effort. "Anything for my sun."

He scowled at the boy for his impertinence, but Goku just laughed. "I'm going outside for some air. Want to come with?" The tone of his voice suggested that he was asking out of courtesy, not out of any true desire for company.

Sanzo shook his head, then replied with his usual, "Do what you want."

Goku headed out, waving a hand in farewell before shutting the door behind him. Sanzo adjusted to a more comfortable position on the windowsill and lit a cigarette. Knowing Goku wouldn't press was a relief, but he knew he would be spending a lot of time thinking about the young man. He closed his eyes as he smoked, and worked on clearing his mind. By the time he had finished the cigarette, he was tired and sleepy. After settling into bed he drifted into the best sleep he'd had in days.

[~:.:~]

Goku shut the door behind him and placed a hand on the wall to steady himself. It was only the presence of his companions in the room across the hall that stopped him from collapsing right here. He staggered down the stairs and out the door, making sure to stay away from the side of the building their window was on. He didn't want Sanzo to see him right now. He finally found a stone bench in the garden outside and collapsed gratefully onto it. His whole body was shaking. He had fought hundreds of demons and defeated the most fearsome enemies, but what he had just done was the hardest thing he had ever had to do.

Confessing his love to Sanzo hadn't been his original intention, but he had needed to make sure the man understood, and it seemed that he did. As he got his shaking limbs back under his control, Goku began to feel better. He had done the right thing, he was sure of it. He silently thanked Gojyo for his advice the other night and resolved to be nicer to the kappa in the future.

Goku looked up at the stars and marveled at the sight of all those little lights winking at him. Each star was beautiful in its own right, and all together they were breathtaking. His thinking strayed to his friends: Hakkai, the ever present mother figure, always there to console him when he felt bad or calm Sanzo down when his irritation threatened to become deadly; Gojyo, the big brother, ready to fight or tease at a moments notice, but also there to provide comfort when least expected; Sanzo, their unofficial leader, beautiful and charismatic, fatally accurate with his gun and fan, but unexpected deliverer of a kind gesture when it was needed most; and himself. What was he? The child, the little brother, the errant charge? He wasn't sure what role he played, but he knew he wouldn't have it any other way. His place was here, as part of the four.

Art by Mei Yanohi

Finally feeling calm, Goku walked slowly back to his room. He moved silently, and was relieved to hear the even breathing that told him Sanzo was asleep. Quietly slipping off his boots, he padded over to look at the monk. His face was relaxed in easy sleep, enhancing his delicate beauty. Goku remembered when he had thought he wouldn't have another chance to gaze at Sanzo like this, and smiled at the realization that he had been wrong. Taking one last look to memorize that beautiful face, he slipped into his bed and drifted off into happy dreams.

[~:.:~]

[~end of chapter~]