Are you sure you really want to find out more about me??? Okay... if you really want to, I guess I'll let you sneak a peek into my twisted, fucked-up world... but remember, I warned you.

I currently live in Iowa City, IA (where I was born and raised), and unfortunately, still live at home (although I can't wait to escape!). I've got just one sibling, a younger brother, although (like everyone else I'm related to) I haven't much in common with him and we're anything but close (I wish I had family members who I could say I'm close to like what I see all around me, but I can't). I've also never had a girlfriend (or been on any sort of date for that matter. Hell! I've never been kissed or anything like that even), but the painful memories associated with that aren't things I just share willy-nilly; you gotta work for that! But let's just say, all in all, between that and my relationship with my family, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I've never felt loved before. :(

For those who might actually care, I also suffer from a case of dysthymia (chronic clinical depression), which I've had my whole life I guess (although I wasn't formally diagnosed with it until December of '03). At least, I don't remember a time where I wasn't depressed. So yeah, that tends to have a significant impact on my life and attitude towards things. Things that make me happy I can tend to obsess over, and well... when I'm down, I get really down on myself! As such, friends don't come by to often for me, as well, I guess I'm kind of high-maintenance (not in a prissy sort of way or anything... just that it can take a lot of work to become, and remain, my friend). Also, while having not been diagnosed with it, I'm pretty sure I may also suffer from bipolar too, as as any of my friends will attest to, I definitely have high and low points on a very regular basis (about one complete cycle a month, which can come and go with no warning/provocation). Then on top of that, there's my third, non-clinical depression that stems from the afore mentioned lack of love and otherwise fairly empty life that is mine. :( While on the topic of the mental problems that I have, I also mainly suffer from two phobias: amaxophobia (the fear of driving) and hydrophobia (the fear of water). Can't explain why driving is such a huge fear of mine, but all I know is that I can't do it! I remember one time my dad wanted to check to see if one of the break lights for our car was working, so he had me sit in the driver's seat and step on the break pedal. Now, the car was parked and the engine was off, yet despite that, I had a huge panic attack (couldn't breathe, heart rate was racing, vision blurred and started to fade out, hearing tuned out, body was shaking... the works!)! Well, at least internally (the shaking gradually turned to paralysis), as I know that nobody noticed anything wrong with me (else you'd think they'd have asked, right?). I mean, I know which pedal is the break, yet my head was so fogged out that I stepped on the gas, not once, not twice, but three times before finally stepping on the break, which was all that I had to do in the first place! Point is, I can't sit behind the wheel of a car; I can ride in one (although at times, I'd just rather walk where ever I need to go)... I just can't drive. Now my fear of water, I know where that comes from! Let's just say when I was really young I came very close to drowning in a public pool with both parents near by, as well as plenty of others in the pool at the time, yet nobody was there to help me! I used to love the water, but after that, I can't get anywhere near a body of water without some sort of barrier between me and it! Let's see. I also don't drink, which although there's nothing wrong with that, when combined with everything else wrong with me, people just have a hard time understanding (living in Iowa City, not drinking borders on sacrilege), thus again, I have a hard time making friends. :(

I'm currently looking for a job (although there just doesn't seem to be that much out there that I can actually do, you know?), and unfortunately, have been unable to attend classes at the University of Iowa (my inability to drive pretty much rules out Kirkwood, does it not?). Curse my inability to grasp a foreign language! Maybe it has something to do with the piss-poor way English was taught in school (either I was sick on those days where key lessons in grammar were gone over, or it just wasn't taught). Regardless though, when thinking of my inability to learn a second language required for school, I can't help but think of a bit from Eddie Izzard's "Dressed to Kill" HBO special:

I'm sorry Europeans, but we're going to have to be bilingual. We are going to have to be, and English speakers hate this.
"Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man! You're asking the impossible!"
"But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!"
"Yes, but they're cheating!..."

Of course, I don't condone the use of marijuana or any other illicit drugs (or smoking in general), but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy that bit. I've never understood why people would smoke to begin with, but then again, being allergic to smoke myself, I'd never do it myself (not that I'd ever want to that is).

Anywoo... I digress. Back to about me.

Up until the end of 2003 (which prompted the visit to the doctor where I was diagnosed with depression (it's amazing what it took to get someone to actually notice)), I had been a member of the Boy Scouts of America since 1989. Although I enjoyed my time in the BSA when I was in it, it's definately something that's behind me now. One day, should I ever have kids (the BSA is co-ed after all) that join, I'll probably get involved again, but until then, I think I'm done. But yeah, as you can guess, during the 15 years in the program I managed to build a somewhat lengthy résumé. If you want to see it (or at least what I can remember anyway), just click here.