James Watkins: 'Jim Shorts' on politics

The people I cheer for on reality TV never win. It all began when Richard, the self-described "fat, naked, gay guy" on the first "Survivor," won the million. Then last week, Dat Phan was crowned as, and I quote, "The Funniest Person In America" on "Last Comic Standing." He was good, but I have funnier relatives (some are even allowed to go out in public unattended).

At least it got me thinking that perhaps the 2004 Presidential election should be staged as the ultimate reality series: "The Amazing Political Race," "Who Wants to Marry a Politician," "Conservative Eye for the Liberal Guy," "Political Boxing," or "Survivor: The Electoral College."

[Overproduced theme music]

"Live from the nation's capital, 'The Amazing Dog Eat Dog Last Candidate Standing.' 52 weeks! 52 candidates!. But tonight, just ONE President elect of the United States."

Yep, let's put all the candidates for President in that "Big Brother" house in Hollywood--and then lock and bolt the doors until December 2004. Just kidding about bolting the door, but there would be some real advantages to elections as reality TV.

1. We'd only have to listen to their political pontifications one night a week! (The prospect of hearing the monotone whining of Joe Lieberman for over a year is enough to make me move to a remote island and survive on Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches.)

2. Candidates would have to successfully perform tasks to stay in the running: balancing a check book, finding a job for a homeless tech stock trader, and negotiating a win-win settlement in a messy divorce case. If they can't perform these tasks, what business do they have with the Federal budget, the job market, and keeping North Korea from nuking its neighbors.

Candidates, of course, would have to answer the requisite trivia questions:

What is the capital of Liberia?

Saddam Hussein loyalists belong to what political party: a) Bath, b) Shower, c) Dry Clean Only.

True/False: Latin Americans speak Latin

The best way to stimulate the economy is a) tax cuts, b) less government restrictions, c) amphetamines

Your stand on homosexual marriage is a) I'm for it, b) I'm against it, c) I can go either way (wink)

Next come the immunity challenges, After living off the government payroll and enjoying political perks, maybe a dose of "The Real World" would be the best thing for Presidential candidates. Let's see them live on off-brand macaroni and cheese with generic hot dogs. Which of them can survive the longest while eating stale pretzels sitting in coach section of a plane. How 'bout giving them each a $1,000 Social Security check and make them find decent housing, medical insurance, and an affordable long distance plan. The possibilities are endless!

3. Brooke Burns could host the show, since she already has experience with the "Dog Eat Dog" world of politics. Her show's premise, according to the official Web site, is for contestants to "play upon each other's strengths and weaknesses" and "use their knowledge of each other to gain the upper hand and emerge as 'top dog'." See, sounds like politics to me. And besides, the former "Baywatch" babe is certainly better looking (and less biased) than Dan Rather.

4. The weekly tribal council would whittle the number down to one Republican, one Democrat, and one independent "wildcard." Those who can out wit, out play, and out last would go on to the two-hour finale on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November 2004.

5. Voters at home log-in on their computers and cast their ballots without those annoying "hanging chads" and Supreme Court rulings.

Then again, the people I want to win reality shows never do win which just goes to prove:

1. TV reality shows are not really "reality."

2. Contestants are conniving attention-deprived ego-maniacs who will do anything for the fame and fortune.

3. Some computer geek somewhere has figured out a way to vote three million times.

Okay, maybe "The Last Candidate Standing" isn't the best suggestion for election reform, but Dat Phan is welcomed to take my column. Please.

I'm confused. That's not exactly a news flash ("Columnist confused! Film at 11!") But would someone help me understand the following?

First, Madelyne Gorman Toogood, 25, has become infamous as the woman caught by a Kohl's security camera allegedly beating her 4-year-old daughter, Martha.

It's being reported that she lost her temper when the store wouldn't give her a cash refund. Toogood told reporters she hit her child in the head and back and pulled her hair -- but did not punch her.

Let me get this straight? There's a difference between "hitting" and "punching"?! That's not "Toogood" of a defense if you want my opinion.

Here's something else that confuses me.

As our country debates attacking Iraq, here's a March 4, 2002, report from the Bureau of Democracy, Human Rights, and Labor of the U.S. State Department:

"The Government's human rights record throughout the year remained poor and the Government continued to commit numerous and serious abuses. Authorities still were quick to suppress any person or group, whether religious, political, or social, that they perceived to be a threat to government power . . .

"Abuses included instances of extrajudicial killings, torture and mistreatment of prisoners, forced confessions, arbitrary arrest and detention, lengthy incommunicado detention, and denial of due process. According to international press reports, over 200,000 persons are serving sentences, not subject to judicial review, in reeducation-through-labor camps.

"The Government continued to implement its sometimes coercive policy to restrict the number of children a family may have. Violence against women (including imposition of a sometimes coercive birth control policy, including instances of forced abortion and forced sterilization); prostitution; discrimination against women; abuse of children; and discrimination against persons with disabilities and minorities are all problems.

"Child labor exists and continues in rural areas as adult workers leave for better employment opportunities in urban areas. Trafficking in persons is a serious problem."

And guess what, this country has an estimated 2,000 nuclear weapons! It's not Iraq but China.

Help me explain why our government awards a ruthless regime owning tons of mega-tons with "Most Favored Trading Status" and sets up an embargo against a poor, second-rate country that reportedly doesn't currently have the ability to produce one nuclear bomb?

Perhaps it's the same reason that a 25-year-old adult will allegedly "hit" a 4-year old, rather than "punch" someone her own size at the customer service desk at a department store?

Could it be that our government is only interested in championing human rights in a country that it knows it can pummel in the parking lot? Is our government afraid to pick on someone its own size. We're boycotting third-world Communist Cuba, but encouraging trade with superpower (and nuclear-powered) Communist China. Why aren't we boycotting China?!

At least there has been an outcry over Toogood beating her child. Too bad, there's not the same concern about the millions men, women, and children brutalized in China, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, and a dozen other oppressive countries.

Columnist confused! Film at 11!

Guest Editorial: Tom Blodget asks WWJD about Iraq?

'Big Brothers' november 2001

At the risk of appearing to be a yellow-bellied, ACLU-loving, pinko-Commie, liberal sack of Anthrax, I’m feeling just a bit uneasy about the current patriotic fervor. (Please address all hate mail, letter bombs, and rotting road kill to Jim Watkins in care of this paper.)

Let me explain.

First, didn’t we ratify the First Amendment way back in December of 1791?

The risk of contracting Anthrax or becoming the victim of a terrorist act (as terrible and terrifying as that is) is far less than winning your state’s lottery. But there IS a real risk that the freedoms we are attempting to preserve in our patriotic paranoia may actually be eroded by our zeal to protect them.

Aaron Sorkin, the left-wing creator of “The West Wing,” is worried that “America's surge in patriotism has a dark side: It has unleashed a ‘blacklist’ against those who dissent!” While this columnist believes Bill “Politically Incorrect” Maher’s comments about our military being “cowards” was a bone-headed blunder, Sorkin does point out that America’s military is fighting to preserve our freedoms, including the right to make just such bone-headed blunders. Just try being “politically incorrect” in Afghanistan!

Obviously, there are limits to freedom of speech: maliciously libeling someone in print or media, yelling “fire” in a public building, or selling military secrets. But if America is to remain free, don’t we need to allow for the “redress of grievances”? Remember our country was founded on the concept of majority rule, minority rights. And someday, you and I might be in the minority as politically incorrect.

Secondly, are we in danger of undermining the Fourth Amendment with “the war on terrorism”?

According to the Associated Press, Washington’s new anti-terrorism law is “. . . relying heavily on sophisticated technology, from software that automatically translates foreign communications on the Internet to a device that secretly captures every keystroke a suspect makes on his computer.”

Recently, top Justice Department lawyers in Washington e-mailed federal prosecutors around the country describing how they can use the government's high-tech tools in new ways. The AP quotes the email as saying, “. . . in rare cases police can now secretly search a person's house without telling the homeowner for up to three months” and install the “key-logger” device on the person’s computer.

The plans go well beyond the “Carnivore” e-mail-sniffing system that allows the FBI to search for and extract specific e-mails off the Internet. Prior to the September 11 attacks, privacy advocates and civil libertarians were having a Federal fit over it.

Right now, “Big Brother” could be tapped into my computer reading this column as I type it on to the computer screen. Just for fun, let’s see what happens.

Perhaps my fear of undermining our first and fourth amendment rights comes from visits overseas. While I was in India, the papers were filled with articles about the government openly censoring the media and movie studios being required to have scripts approved by the government. While in South Africa, which has one of the highest rates of AIDS, the government had earlier banned all books on sexuality. No wonder one of the myths in southern Africa is that AIDS can be cured by having sex with a virgin!

So, one of the risks we take living a free country is not preempting the plans of every immoral and murderous individual. Perhaps those who died in the September 11 attacks, died for freedom every bit as much as those who gave their lives in military battles throughout our history.

Freedom is risky, but I believe it’s worth the cost.

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political conventions june 2000

Unless you’re eating rats on a South Sea island or cooped up in a house with a bunch of boring ego-maniacs, then you know that national political conventions will soon be pre-empting your favorite TV shows. And, if you’re like me, you’re already anticipating an exciting few weeks of renting videos.

The political parties and networks could boost ratings, however, with some lessons from this summer’s popular "reality" TV shows. .

[Voice over with jungle drums]

"From all over the United States, thousands of convention delegates have converged on the baggage claim area at the airport. Only what they don’t know, is we’ve secretly sent all their luggage to Des Moines! They will be forced to survive on airline peanuts and items in their carry-on bags in a hostile environment of $10 burgers and $3 Pepsi’s. .

"Alliances will be formed; tribal leaders will be elected; others will be voted off the convention floor. Who will out talk, out smart, and out spend all the others to win Survivor: The Political Convention Edition?.

The first challenge will be negotiating fair taxi fares with drivers who don’t speak English after the scheduled shuttle busses take a wrong turn in Iowa. At the hotel, delegates must find the ice machine, figure out which way the faucets in the shower turn, and turn down the top sheet without pulling out the bottom sheet since both are usually tucked under the bed’s mattress. .

The first group challenge will feature delegates fighting their way through the protestors armed with picket signs for Lab Rat Rights, the Marionette Liberation Movement, and the Legalize Freon Front. Those delegates who make it past the protestors, must clear the security obstacle course of metal detectors, x-ray scanners, and a guard nick-named "The Groper." .

Once inside, the second group challenge begins. Delegates must attempt to remain conscious during fifty speeches and video tributes to the keynote speakers, plus endless votes on parliamentary procedures: "Memorial Number 45678B: Resolved, that the time of happy hour be established by a simple majority vote of delegates rather than on a two-thirds vote." .

Meanwhile, tensions will rise to a low-grade-fever pitch when delegates debate platform planks supporting clean air, good schools, safe streets, and world peace. (And you thought the mind-numbing babble of "Big Brother" was as dull as, well, political conventions.) .

Apparently this is why no one is seated, but all wander around aimless trying to keep themselves and other delegates awake with back slapping, cheering every time their state is mentioned from the platform, and of course, making alliances. (The Smoke-Filled-Room-Cam will capture the behind the scenes deal making which basically boils down to "I’ll nominate you, if you nominate me.") .

Delegates will also compete for Vice-presidential nomination, cabinet posts, and a night in the Lincoln bedroom. Extra points will be given for delegates sporting the goofiest hats, wearing the most campaign buttons, and those enjoying their fifteen minutes of fame by being interviewed on the floor by the fashion correspondent from Fox News. Fashion will play an important role at the convention, but don’t expect to see Elizabeth Dole in a pink bikini or Al Gore dressed like Survivor’s Richard. (Of course, Gore will claim to have created reality TV right after inventing the Internet.) .

Since the actual selection of each candidate was determined way back in March, the media must create a sense of drama by digging up out-of-context sound bites from 26 years ago. I can’t believe that I’m coming to the defense of Hillary "The Queen Mother of Political Correctness" Clinton, who allegedly called a campaign worker a [bleep]-ing Jew [bleep] back in 1974. .

Okay, let’s see a show of hands. How many of us have ever said something really stupid in the past 26 years? If the media ever got a hold of my high school newspaper columns, my write-in Presidential campaign would be over quicker than Dan Quayle’s! That's why my Tupperware Party ("Fresh ideas for preserving left-over values") proposes a seven-year statute of limitation on stupid remarks. .

To help fill the remaining time, network anchors will tell those at home what they just heard with their own ears. Network commentators will then interpret what was just heard by TV audiences’ own ears and then repeated by the anchors. "Can you say ‘condescending’? I knew you could!" .

Even though the final survivors will inevitably be Al Gore and George W. Bush, the V.P. choice could provide a bit of suspense. Now if they could just pick him or her with a spear-throwing or grub-eating contest, that might draw in some viewers. Or, like "Big Brother," give the viewers a vote with interactive TV or Internet polls. I think ex-Navy SEAL "Rudy" would make a great VP for the Reform Party! .

Okay, so conventions don’t make great TV, but our bloated political process and the media parasites that feed on it do assure a fair and democratic election. And for that I’m thankful. Bored, but nevertheless thankful. .

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sharks and sheiks september 2001

In our continuing effort to inform and enlighten the American public, here’s some context on two current events:

Sharks

Judging by the media feeding frenzy, you’d think that sharks were the number one cause of death in America. Two swimmers were killed by sharks over the Labor Day weekend off Virginia and North Carolina, and that is indeed tragic. But let’s put this in perspective before anyone cancels travel plans to the east coast.

On an average year one or two people are killed by shark attacks off U.S. shores. Worldwide, the annual average of shark fatalities over the past decade has been eight. And non-fatal shark attacks are down worldwide. Last year 51 shark attacks were reported in the United States. This year only 37 bites have been documented worldwide.

So, let’s compare annual shark fatalities with other causes of death. We’ll go with the high number of two for man-eating sharks in U.S. waters.

Automobiles take an average of 40,000 lives per year, so you’re 20,000 times more likely to be killed simply driving to the beach. And yet, we don’t see people running from parking lots screaming “Car! Car!”

In 1998 over 5,100 people were killed in their place of employment. In fact, the government claims that a worker is killed on the job every 103 minutes! So, you’re 2,500 times more likely to be killed at work than enjoying a day at the beach.

And the odds are worse if you work at home. Every 19 minutes a person is killed at home, with two-thirds of those being fatally injured in the bathroom! That’s 28,200 fatalities each year. Forget sharks, stay out of the shower!

But wait, there’s more. The National Safety Council warns that each year 40 people are killed in the 400 fires started by Christmas trees! You’re 20 times more likely to be killed by a blue spruce than a great white shark.

So, if you really want to be safe, quit your job and live at the beach. But be sure you walk there, and whatever you do, stay out of the bathroom!

Sheiks

Not only are sharks getting eaten alive by the media, delegates at the United Nations' World Conference Against Racism is calling the Jewish people “racists” for trying to defend their nation’s sovereignty. Let’s try to put that in perspective as well.

1. Israel became a nation in 1312 B.C..

For the next three thousand years, the Jews “Promised Land” has been overrun by Assyrians, Babylonians, Egyptians, Persians, Romans, and Arabs. In 586 B.C. Babylon destroyed the first Jewish temple and enslaved many Jews. Over the next 500 years the Jewish people returned and rebuilt the temple on what is known today as Temple Mount. (Israel as a nation predates the rise of Islam-and it’s claim to “The Dome of the Rock”--by two thousand years.)

In A.D. 70 the Roman Empire destroyed the second temple, but thousands of Jews remained in their homeland and attempted to rebuild their nation.

In A.D. 636 Arabs invaded the land. Turks chased out the Arabs and ruled the area from 1526 to 1923. That’s when British troops defeated the Turks and governed the area under the old League of Nations. In the 1920s and 30s Muslims aligned with the Nazi regime to incite massacres of the Jewish people. Six million Jews scattered throughout Europe were exterminated in what has become known as the Holocaust.

It wasn’t until 1948 that the United Nations declared Israel a sovereign nation and dispersed Jews began returning to their homeland.

2. There is no record of any ancient people called the Palestinians. “Palestine” was a name given to the region by the Romans and then resurrected as a public-relations campaign by the Arabs after Israel became a nation again in 1948.

3. Yasser Arafat, the champion of the Palestinian Liberation Movement, claims he was born in Jerusalem and was displaced by the Israelis in 1948. His critics claim he was born in Cairo, Egypt, in 1929. While his parents lived in what is now Israel for some time, Arafat was born, raised, and educated in Egypt.

Of course, to put all this in context, the Israelites and Arabs have been fighting since Father Abraham’s dysfunctional family feud in the book of Genesis. It won’t end, according to the book of Revelation, until all wars end.

Anyway, there are some things to discuss over the water cooler tomorrow.

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IRS Form 1040-A (Schedule 1)Table 4 Slot B . . . april 2001

If you’re one of the thousands of taxpayers who are frantically trying to complete your Form 1040 before tonight’s midnight deadline, here’s some helpful advice. Quit reading this column! Get to your local post office for the fifteen different forms you’ll need to send your checking account balance to Washington. Simpler yet, just send them your checkbook.

Actually, that display of tax forms at your local post office is just the tip of the IRS iceberg - there are over 1,000 forms, schedules, and publications!

For instance, if you made any money this year, start out with the 1040. If you made that money farming you’ll need 1040 Schedule F for profit and losses or perhaps 1049 Schedule J for farm income averaging. If you used ethanol fuel for your tractor, you should file Form 6478 for “Credit For Alcohol Used As Fuel.” But if your old John Deere is a gas-guzzler, you’ll need Form 6197 to report your “Gas Guzzler Tax.” (I’m not making these up. Just go to www.1040.com for a 50-page list of forms including the 1040-C for “Departing Aliens.”)

If you worked for tips, you’ll need to file Form 4136 for any unreported tip income. Did you make some money gambling? You’ll need to fill out Form 5754 and a W-26. If you made that money on the French Riviera, you’ll also need to file Form 2555 for foreign income but you may get some of your lost money back by filing a 1099 Form 730 to report “gambling taxes.”

And speaking of gambling, if you contributed to an Individual Retirement Account, you’ll need to file a Form 5304-SIMPLE, 5305, 5305-A, 5304-E, 5304-EA, 5305-R, 5305-RA, or 5305-SEP depending on what kind of account you have. If your checking accounts earned interest, you’ll also need the 1040-A (Schedule 1) and/or Form 1099-INT.

And don’t think that just because no money exchanged hands, you don’t have to file. If you bartered, brokered, or other wise exchanged any good or services, you’ll need to fill out Form 1099-B. (Our post office didn’t have a 1099-B, but I assume it reads something like “List number of chickens of Line 38A, then subtract bags of grain from Table G, then multiply by the fair market value of poultry on Line 76B of Table K divided by the square root of commodity index.)

If you know there’s no way in Washington you’ll make tonight’s deadline (we all get an extra day this year!), you can always file for an extension with the 2350, and then extend that extension with a 2678.

Although the government is promising to cut taxes and paperwork, my guess is that they will claim a 50 percent reduction by simply changing the name of Form 1040 to Form 520. But, it’s not that some legislators haven’t tried.

The National Retail Sales Tax Act of 1999 (H.R. 2001) was introduced in the House for the “repeal of the income tax, estate and gift taxes, and certain excise taxes. There is hereby imposed a tax of 15 percent on the gross payments for the use, consumption or enjoyment in the United States of any taxable property or service, whether produced or rendered within or without the United States.” (Fifteen percent is actually a reduction in the 18.9 percent that the average American is currently paying for federal taxes.)

A national sales tax would first of all eliminate the 3,458-page IRS Code (which is twice as thick as the Bible and harder to understand than the book of Revelation). It would also eliminate 100,000 IRS employees at a savings of $8,560,000,000.

Federal income taxes would no longer be withheld from your paycheck. In fact, the money you make would not be taxed at all. Put it in the bank or invest it in the stock market. You wouldn’t be taxed a dime--until you spent it. You would pay your taxes directly to the cash register of every store you shop in. Best of all, there would be absolutely no forms to fill out!

This way, everyone would pay their fair share of taxes, including the millions of illegal aliens and tax cheats. Edgar Feige, of the University of Wisconsin, estimates $800,000,000,000 (that’s eleven zeros or eight hundred billion dollars!) goes unreported! So everyone who gets paid in cash, from the junior-high babysitter to the big-time drug dealer, would be paying taxes on the latest Britney Spears CD or luxury auto.

Unfortunately, such a change would require a two-thirds of the House and Senate, and three-fourths of the states vote to repeal the 16th Amendment that created the Income Tax. (Congress cannot create a new national taxing authority without abolishing the existing one.)

But if they would take the vote tonight around 11 pm, as millions of tax payers are trying to understand what adjusted figure to multiply from what table on what line of what form, I think there would be a very good chance of tax reform passing!

See you at the Post Office.

Note (April 2005): A national sales tax would need to have some kind of provision for those in the poverty bracket. (Perhaps the sales tax could exclude food and housing up to a certain dollar amount.) I'll still working out the details for my 2008 Presidential campaign.

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"G-d" and politics september 2000

Only the employees at the International House of Pancakes have done more waffling than the political candidates this election year. And the Belgian waffle topped with whipped cream and fresh strawberries on this year’s menu has been "religion."

George Bush mentioned, in an early interview, that the person he most admired was Jesus Christ. In his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, he announced: "I believe in tolerance, not in spite of my faith, but because of it. I believe in a God who calls us, not to judge our neighbors, but to love them. I believe in grace, because I have seen it; in peace, because I have felt it; in forgiveness, because I have needed it."

The Democratic vice-president nominee, and Orthodox Jew, Joseph Lieberman told a prayer breakfast in February: "Americans are starved for good conversations about important matters of the human spirit. In Victorian England, religious devotion was not a forbidden topic of conversation, sex was. In America today, the inhibitions are reversed." (One national newspaper recently spelled God "G-d" as if it were a four-lettered word!)

Even after being tapped as the Democratic vice-presidential nominee, Lieberman showed no "inhibitions" in expressing his faith.

"This is the most religious country in the world and sometimes we try to stifle that fact or hide it. But the profound and ultimately most important reality is that we are not only citizens of this blessed country, we are citizens of the same awesome God," he told church audiences recently.

He quoted George Washington's 1796 "Farewell Address" where the first President claimed that "religion and morality" were inseparably linked to "peace and harmony with all."

Lieberman continued, "We know that the Constitution wisely separates church from state. But remember, the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion. Not freedom from religion."

"So let us break through some of the inhibitions that have existed to talk together across the flimsy line of separation of faith: to talk together, to study together, to pray together and ultimately to sing together his holy name."

Wow, you'd think another "Great Awakening" of spirituality was ready to sweep the country, or at least the Electoral College.

But then the Anti-Defamation League's Howard P. Berkowitz and Abraham H. Foxman, yanked on Lieberman's prayer shawl. "We feel very strongly, and we hope you would agree," they wrote, "that appealing along religious lines, or belief in God, is contrary to the American ideal."

Suddenly, the Orthodox Jew was back-tracking faster than Moses and the Israelites with Pharaoh's army in hot pursuit. On "Good Morning America" Lieberman announced his quote from the first President's farewell addressed was misinterpreted. "I never felt that he meant that religion was the only source of morality, but in an open society he was saying religion is one good source of good values."

The conservative Jew has also voted in favor of issues that the Torah (Old Testament) opposes, such as homosexual behavior and abortion. He’s opposed to displaying the Ten Commandments in public buildings. And although he was the first Democrat to condemn the President for breaking the seventh and ninth commandments, voted to keep him in office. One journalist gushed, "It’s great to see that Lieberman’s religion doesn’t affect his politics."

Meanwhile, the Republican candidate, who speaks out on "grace" and "forgiveness," has seen nearly 150 inmates executed while governor of Texas. Didn't Jesus tell a group of would-be executioners who were ready to kill a convicted person in a capital case, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"? And, of course, there was his un-gracious on-air assessment of a New York Times reporter as a "major league [bleep]"

Only Pat Buchanan, a devout Catholic, seems to be consistent in his professed faith and politics, but he has no chance in purgatory of being elected.

So, there seems to be a couple issues here . . .

First, candidates have been inconsistent in applying their beliefs to their behaviors. And so the cynical public, 94 percent of which believe in God, view faith and politics as contradictory. President Bill Clinton, the Southern Baptist and Monica Lewinsky get to "know" one another in the biblical sense. Forty years earlier, President John Kennedy, a Roman Catholic, was allegedly celebrating something other than mass with Marilyn Monroe.

And so, the public doesn’t take politicians professions of faith too seriously.

Secondly, the ADL, the ACLU, a few Supreme Court justices, and the "liberal media elite" (to quote some talk show hosts) have seemingly forgotten that our country’s founders were religious individuals. Alan Snyder of Regent University’s School of Government recently confronted the ADL and their criticism of Lieberman. "They must not have looked at any documents or debates that went on [during the Constitutional Conventions]. It is hard to find any founding father who did not express his faith."

Our country’s belief in the equality of all races and genders is right out of the Bible: St. Paul writes, "There is neither Jew or Greek, slave nor free, male or female, for you are all one . . ." Compassion for the "hungry, thirsty, stranger, naked, sick, and imprisoned" is found in Jesus’ teachings. The concept of leaders as public "servants" is also right there, all the way from Genesis to maps.

Belief in God is not contrary to the American ideal--it is an American ideal. A Newsweek poll conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates in April of this year reported that only 4 percent of Americans do not believe in God and 2 percent are uncertain. Eighty-four percent believe that God performs miracles, and 79 percent believe "that the miracles described in the Bible actually took place." And, according to a George Barna survey, on any given weekend, more Americans are in houses of worship than sports stadiums.

If that’s not proof enough, reach in your pocket and pull out an official, government-minted United States coin and read "In God We Trust."

I applaud Bush and Lieberman for having the courage to speak out on religious themes. But I also pray that whichever party is elected, they will put their professions into practice.

Waffles belong at the International House of Pancakes, not at the White House. And no American should feel inhibited from publicly thanking God for whipped cream and fresh strawberries.

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polls september 2000

After writing several rabid rants about politics, I decided to write a warm and wonderful column devoted to Teddy, our chow, shepherd, husky, and a partridge in a pear tree "mixed breed". I described the magical moment of "love at first site" when we met (after my wife and son conspired to bring him home from the animal shelter against my sound logic and rational reasoning).

The article included Teddy’s amusing antics while he takes me for a walk: sniffing road kill, attempting to climb trees after squirrels, and checking his "pee" mail. I also paid a glowing tribute to the tellers at my small town bank who give Teddy MilkBone dog treats, even though the only deposits he ever makes are in the shrubbery.

But then Al Gore yanked on my leash, and I came up growling, snarling, and foaming at the keyboard.

The Democratic candidate claimed that his mother-in-law’s arthritis medicine cost three times more than the same Lodine for his dog. Gore’s handlers finally admitted the facts and figures were "made up." This is just the latest in a trail of doggie doo! Rival George Bush was less descriptive calling it a "troubling pattern of embellishing and exaggerating his plans and personal experiences." The vice president not only has exaggerated his role in the creation of Internet, but claimed he and wife Tipper were the inspiration for the Erich Segal novel Love Story about love and terminal illness. (I just saw Tipper alive and well, didn’t I?!)

And speaking of misinformation, a Newsweek poll shows Al Gore way ahead in the dog race. However, John Fund, columnist for the Wall Street Journal, points out that the telephone poll of only 580 people was conducted on a Friday night when researchers claim more Democrats are home for the evening than Republicans. (GOP’s are out at grand old parties?) It also targeted "likely voters." Only one-third of those who claim they are planning to do their civic duty ever show up at the polls in November.

The Battleground Poll, a joint project of Democratic pollster Celinda Lake and GOP pollster Ed Goeas, got the 1996 Clinton victory margin right within 0.5 percent of the vote. As of last Tuesday, their nightly tracking poll has Bush leading Gore by four points! (Hello, would someone notify the media?!)

The respected Gallup Poll, currently has Gore up by only four-points. Factoring "margin of error," it’s a dead heat.

Finally, The Rasmussen Research nightly tracking poll shows Bush with a 44 percent to 41 percent lead among likely voters. (Again, what third of those responding will get off their couch and actually vote?) Because this instrument surveys a larger sample than other polls, it’s margin of error is only 2 percent.

Another important factor to factor is the fact that Democrats are more willing to participate in polls than Republicans (who view the media with more suspicion).

Another doggone example is the oft-quoted statistic that the majority of Americans support "abortion on demand." Wrong! Here’s how the figures break down:

A Gallup/CNN/USA Today poll in January 2000 showed that 36 percent felt abortion should be "always legal," 56 percent "sometimes legal" (such as in saving the life of the mother), and 15 percent "always illegal."

In a Fox News/Opinion Dynamics Polls in April 2000, 61 percent thought states should have the right to ban "partial birth abortion."

And a CBS/New York Times poll in May 2000 found that 37 percent think abortion should be "generally available," 39 percent think there should be with "stricter limits," and 22 percent think it should "never" be legal.

If you’re pro-choice you can argue that the majority of people approve of abortion by combining the "always" and "sometimes" numbers. If you’re pro-life, you combine the "sometimes" and "never" to show that America disapproves of "abortion on demand."

So, figures don’t lie, but liars figure!

That’s what I like about Teddy. He’s honest and absolutely shameless about making his needs known. He rolls over on his back for a tummy rub and whimpers at the front door whenever nature calls. He makes no pretenses and scratches (or licks) wherever it itches. And, if he thinks I’m paying more attention to writing this column than I am to him, I feel a wet nose on my elbow.

These are certainly the "dog days" of politics! "Okay, Teddy, now you can take me for a walk."

Note: For a great editorial on the manipulation of statitics by Wendy McElroy, click here.

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political campaigns february 2000

It's 3 a.m. when only drug dealers, ladies of the evening, and newspaper people are up working. So, at the risk of writing something I'll regret in the morning, here are some random rantings on . . .

Candidates

Perhaps political candidates ought to turn off the campaign trail and follow the Yellow Brick Road! (Sing to the tune of the famous songs from the "Wizard of Oz.")

When a man is a conservative,
his logic is superlative
regarding health and art.
Be it mayor or the President
he'd get votes from ev'ry resident
if he only had a heart.
"Vote for me and you will see
some right-winged charity,
Federal aid and programs saved . . .
If I only had a heart."

When a woman is liberal
emotions are forgivable.
She feels her voters' pain!
Be it judge or the governor
Ev'ryone would simply love her
if she only had a brain.
"Vote for me and you will see
financial sanity,
A strong defense with common sense . . .
If I only had a brain."

What makes candidates state their case
with clarity and a straight face?
Courage!
What makes a party shun donations
from interest groups and foreign nations?
Courage!
What is missing in this campaign,
besides a heart, besides a brain?
Courage!

Okay, now that I have offended Republicans, Democrats, and possibly Independents (if I missed any of you, my sincere apologies), let's move on to . . .

Campaigns

It seems in this election year, politicians have waffled more than cooks at IHOP. For instance, here's how a candidate would handle the issue of, say, donuts:

Debate moderator: And where do you stand on donuts?

Candidate: When you say "donut," are you referring to those divine delicacies that provide strength and sustenance to the good citizens of this great land and to the hard-working men and women of law enforcement? If so, I say God bless donuts! But of course, if you're referring to those cholesterol-filled time bombs threatening to explode in our nation's collective capillaries and health care plans, then I am opposed. I hope I have made myself unequivocably clear on this issue.

Debate moderator: (in desperation) But are you FOR or AGAINST donuts?!

Candidate: The issue is not whether I am for or against donuts, but the right of every voter to choose between frosted or cream-filled.

And finally . . .

Cannibalism

Primary races seem to resemble two tribes of cannibals. Each side chews up and spits out members of its own clan, until only one charbroiled candidate--with a few body parts missing--survives the bake-off in November.

Hopefully, the winner will have at least a heart and brain! Then again, it's 3 a.m. and I'm probably only dreaming.

'Moses' and his 'rod'

rx for gun control july 1999

As a red-blooded American, I love guns. And as a gray-haired arthritis sufferer, I love prescription painkillers.

The pharmacist keeps the drugs behind the counter until I hand over my prescription and taps away at his computer. (He's either running some kind of verification or finishing his electronic Solitaire game.) Anyway, in just a few minutes, I have my medication and am on my way.

Having certain categories of drugs as “prescription only” makes a lot of sense. The world is a safer place knowing that desperate drug addicts or teens at wild parties won't be celebrating with Celebrex.

And, it's really not that much of a hassle for law abiding, mentally-competent adults. People shouldn't be able to look through the classified ads, visit a trade show, or pay their friends to get prescription drugs. Are you still with me? Nod your head if that makes sense.

Why then, are products that are far more lethal than pain killers allowed to be sold through the newspapers, trade shows, and that shady looking character's car trunk?! I'm talking, of course, about guns.

Like I said, I love guns. But today, teens are 39% more likely to die from "lead poisoning" than from disease according to the Center for Disease Control. Maybe that's because a 1994 survey found that one in thirteen (7.4%) high school students took a gun for show and tell. (That number rises to one in five or 20% for inner city males who claim to be packing something other than their lunch at school.) One in five suburban male students owns a gun.

And, the United States, which prides itself in being Number One, is tops in gun deaths. We blow away Australia and Europe by a five to one margin and Asia by a 95 to one ratio.

But after all the posturing by politicians and lobbying by the National Rifle Association, Congress has failed to pass any reasonable gun control legislation following the national outcry for some sane safeguards.

Why not sell guns like prescription drugs are sold? Okay, okay, you wouldn't need a prescription. “Fire as needed for relief of anxiety and stress.” (Blasting away at tin cans is great therapy!)

First, guns could only be bought and sold at a licensed gun dealer or what I'd call “armacists.” No sales from the trunks of cars or unregulated trade shows.

Secondly, the armacist would check your ID to make sure you're 18 years of age and then tap away at his computer to make sure you're not listed as a convicted criminal, mental institution escapee, or international terrorist. In just a few moments, you're headed home with your weapon of choice.

As long as you buy a legal weapon, pass the quick background check, you can buy enough guns to arm the North Koreans.

It makes sense to me, but making sense has never been a government policy.

By having to buy and sell through a registered dealer, law-abiding members of the NRA won't have any more hassle than picking up their Viagra prescription. And the anti-gun lobby will have assurance that there are some reasonable regulations.

Of course, there will always be abuse. Kids sell their Ritalin on the junior high black market. Spouses borrow each others pain medications. The elderly often over medicate. But at least, by having some medications as "prescription only," there are some safeguards.

To be totally, completely fail-safe, you'd have to run down to the corner drug store for each dose of medicine, which the pharmacist would make sure you--and only you swallowed--right there at the counter. ThatÌs the kind of safeguards some of the anti-gun lobbyist want to impose! The NRA, on the other hand, seems to be advocating allowing everyone behind the counter at the neighborhood Walgreens.

It seems to make sense to me. But then again, my prescription warns I may become drowsy and cause a good deal of damage with heavy equipment, so maybe it's just the Celebrex talking.

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impeachment january 1999

The Hill is alive with "The Sound of Monica"

Our team of investigative humor columnists has discovered that backers are being sought for a Broadway musical inspired by the impeachment proceedings against the President.

A reliable cleaning lady at an unidentified theater has provided us access to top secret lyrics for "The Sound of Monica." (A spokesperson for Rodgers and Hammerstein would neither confirm or deny their involvement in this revision of their popular musical, saying only "They're both dead.")

According to the source, the show opens with Diane Sawyer dancing a top the Hill as she sings . . .

Ken Starr then allegedly sings his version of "My Favorite Things."

Our source has also produced lead sheets for "Climb Ev'ry Mountain . . . of Evidence" sung by a chorus of White House lawyers.

According to our source, no one was found to sing the original song "I Must Have Done Something Good."

Also, the decision of who will sing "So Long, Farewell" in the final scene has not been made. Will it be the President? The First Lady? The lawyers? The media? The entire Congress?

Critics, who have also been leaked copies of the script, have panned the production because of its unfinished--and sure to be unsatisfying--ending. Unlike the original score, there are no clear winners (the good nuns) and losers (the bad Nazis). But perhaps, that is closer to real life than the theater. No one "wins" wars. One side simply loses less. And as the battle on the Hill escalates, there will be no winners either. The president, the Congress, the media and the voters are all losers as this long-running production continues in Washington.

So, let's all sing, "I simply remember my favorites things, and then I don't feel so bad." Or better, yet, pray for our President, the Congress, those disillusioned by the scandal, and especially for "that woman, Ms. Lewinky."

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school shootings April 1999

You've gotta love a web site with the motto, "Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate." At blueroses.com, I found some other great quotes from Luanne Oleas:

Home is where you hang you @.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the 'net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Thanks, Luanne! I needed a laugh after a week pock-marked with heated hostilities in the Balkans and cold-blooded killings in the Rockies. Sometimes it's hard to write a humor column when you feel like a deflated whoopee cushion.

Luanne's paraphrases of popular proverbs, remind me of another computer caveat: GIGO (Garbage in, garbage out).

Schools, and society in general, have programmed our students' Central Processing Units with a host of deadly viruses:

"You've merely evolved from primordial ooze. You're a mutation that has survived merely through natural selection."

"You deserve to feel good about yourself." (Hey, you just told me I'm a cosmic accident!)

"There is no absolute truth. Moral values are based on what you and your referential group decide they should be."

"I'm not responsible for my behavior." (It takes a village to raise an idiot!)

"Judging other's moral behavior is the highest crime against society."

Meanwhile the media and our own government have convinced us that violence is the solution for problems. Just check out the latest movie listings or latest briefing on the NATO bombings.

"Might makes right."

For instance, try to name ten movies in which international crises are averted with diplomacy. How 'bout five? One?! (I have to admit Xena: Princess Warrior is more entertaining than the Secretary of State. Maybe Lucy Lawless could play the part of Madeline Albright.)

Our government seems to be operating on the "might makes right" philosophy with its relentless bombing of Yugoslavia. Why aren't we bombing Peking where Chinese leaders have killed more of its citizen in their version of "cleansing" than Milosevic ever has? Because we're bigger and stronger than a country the size of Kentucky. China would fight back! (Besides, most of our sneakers come from China.)

The answer to why two young men would shoot twelve students and a coach as well as plan to blow up Columbine High School school seems fairly simple (at least to this simple-minded columnist.) GIGO!

If you're merely highly-evolved pond scum, why shouldn't I blow you away because you make me feel badly about myself? After all, the concept of "murder" is simply a part of your group's social contract--not my gothic philosophy that death is cool. Besides, violence is the easiest way to resolve international--as well as--interpersonal conflict. And who are you to judge me anyway?! My moral code is just as valid as yours!

When our "computing" of the value of life as well as our concepts of right and wrong have flawed "disk sectors," we should expect more "fatal errors." GIGO! The challenge--far greater than the Y2K bug--is to work to change the flawed data before many more schools and Kosovo's are infected.

Let's save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate--and human life.

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viagra and Southern Baptists june 1998

Viagra and the Southern Baptist Convention have ignited fiery debate over sexual issues.

First, the popular impotence pill has restored sexual power to many men.

Recently, the Southern Baptists Convention declared that wives should "submit" to their husbands--and, one could speculate, their Viagara-revitalized desires. This has the National Organization of Women hotter than a burning bra!

And so, in a daring effort to bring harmony between feminists and fundamentalists, here are some thoughts to consider. (If this actually works, this columnist will next attempt to reconcile I.U. and Purdue fans. If it fails, please address letters and death threats to "Sexist Heretic" in care of this newspaper.)

God, in his infinite wisdom, apparently foresaw this battle of the political sexes brewing, so he created the first equal-opportunity organizational plan--both "male and female" to "rule the earth" (Genesis 1:27-28). Hmmm? Nothing about submission here, but apparently equal pay for equal work--and "dress down day" every day.

Then Adam and Eve rebelled against Management, were thrown out of the union and forced to wear uncomfortable uniforms. As further punishment, all future Adam's were given high-stress executive appointments, and all the Eve's condemned to middle management positions.

After thousands of years of labor disputes, strikes and a few plant closings in Sodom and Gomorrah, the Boss's Son was sent to restructure the whole organization. He taught women, which was prohibited by the first century culture. He included women as his followers (Luke 8:3), which was prohibited by the first century culture. And, he gave a woman, Mary Magdalene, the task of breaking the news that he had risen from the dead, which was probably also prohibited by the first century culture. (Women weren't allowed to testify in courts at that time.)

The new Company anti-discrimination policy declared there is "neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female . . ." (Galatians 3:28), and furthermore, men and women are to "submit to each other" (Ephesians 5:21) out of respect and deference. (The word "submit" doesn't appear in the original Greek rendering of Ephesians 5:22's famous translation "wives, submit unto your own husbands.")

Saint Paul went even further by writing that "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). Before Masters and Johnson, women weren't believed to have sexual needs!

And so, submitted for your approval, a daring compromise . . .

NOW members, if you'll read God's corporate policy manual, you may discover that He's actually a supporter of equal rights. You'll find lots of liberated women as entrepreneurs, prophets, church leaders and even a military leader!

And Southern Baptist delegates, let's apply the command to submit to each other and honor one another to both men and women. (No fair taking verses out of context that were written to specific churches for specific problems.) Remember, that God's original mission statement mandated that both men and women were to rule the earth--and to be fruitful and to multiply.

Which brings us right back to Viagra!

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Gun control may 1998

During the sixties many of my friends stayed in school simply to avoid being shot in Vietnam. Thirty years later, 148 young people were killed in the Gulf War while, that same year, 4,200 high school students were killed by guns. "The times, they are a changin'."

Today, teens are 39% more likely to die from "lead poisoning" than from disease according to the Center for Disease Control. Maybe that's because a 1994 survey found that one in thirteen (7.4%) high school students took a gun for show and tell. (That number rises to one in five or 20% for inner city males who claim to be packing something other than their lunch at school.) One in five suburban male students owns a gun.

And, the United States, which prides itself in being Number One, is tops in gun deaths blowing away Australia and Europe by a five to one margin and Asia by a 95 to one.

So, what's turning our schools into killing fields, while Vietnam is now relatively peaceful?

I could say the problem is guns. But, hey, I have enough self-preservation than to make that claim in a county where gun racks come as "standard equipment" on pick up trucks!

Now, someone--but not me--could possibly draw the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, 40 million guns in the United States might just contribute somewhat to the problem. So, it would make sense that Japan, where gun ownership is rare, would have one of the lowest rates of death by guns. It does!

But in defense of all the readers with NRA bumper stickers, I must admit that guns don't kill people. I own a handgun, four rifles, and a shotgun and they've never killed anything with a pulse (I have wasted my share of targets and tin cans). But, gun lovers have to admit, guns make killing people a lot more efficient and effective than, say, a big stick. That's why my guns are stored in one location and the ammo locked and hidden in another location.

Parents have also drawn fire for raising tiny terrorists! I just can't win. When I was in high school, all of society's problems--from drugs and sex to really ugly fashion--were blamed on young people. Now that I've joined the ranks of parents, we're the ones being blamed for raising drug-crazed psychotic killers. Many of my peers--so as not to "repress" their children--have allowed them to grow up with no rules, responsibilities or respect for themselves or others.

Then there's TV violence, movie massacres, and graphic video games with triple-digit body counts to take the blame for inspiring school yard shootouts. When's the last time you heard an action-adventure hero say, "I sense a lot of suppressed hostility. Let's talk about this"?

And how 'bout toy guns? Mattel doesn't make toy atomic bombs and Fisher Price doesn't make pre-school-sized electric chairs. So, why make toys out of objects designed to kill? If that seems like a silly question, ask yourself, when was the last time you saw toddlers playing target practice? Nope, it's "Bang! Bang! You're dead!" Did the middle school boys in Jonesboro, Arkansas, really comprehend that their school mates wouldn't get back up after playing their deadly game?

School also make an easy target when spreading blame. When kids are taught that they've merely evolved from pond scum and that there are no moral absolutes, can we expect students to treat others any different than pond scum with no thought of whether it's right or wrong?

Finally, there are the gun-toting tots themselves. Society, schools, peers, the media, and parents certainly have an influence, but there is also something called personal responsibility.

A society can't depend on police officers to maintain order. Each citizen must have an internal cop called a conscience that shouts "Freeze" when thoughts of doing bodily harm creep from the back alleys of his or her brain. Unfortunately, for many children and teens, the internal police officers are sitting at Dunkin' Doughnuts with their radios turned off.

And if there are no cops in our consciences, all the external police officers, metal detectors, conflict resolution courses, and gun control laws will not prevent more cafeteria massacres!

Parents, teachers, churches, schools, the media, manufacturers--and even the NRA--need to work together to put that internal police officer on the beat of each of our souls and psyches.

Guns don't kill people. People without consciences and self-control kill people.

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