HOW TO DRIVE IN MOBILE, ALABAMA
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Double the reference speed in residential neighborhoods. |
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Half the reference speed on interstates, US highways, or any multi-laned roadway. Attempt to find another vehicle moving as slowly and drive next to it such that no other vehicle may pass. |
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Drive as slow as possible when pulling out of a side street and in front of an on coming vehicle. Continue to drive slowly until that vehicle passes, then tailgate closely, matching that vehicle's speed. |
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Drive as fast as possible on wet roads, during fog and rain. |
TURN SIGNALS
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Do not use turn signals in Mobile. |
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Not using turn signals saves replacement bulb costs. |
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If you see some one using turn signals: |
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The signals must be broken. |
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The driver must be a foreigner or a yankee. |
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If you use turn signals: |
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Leave them on all the time. |
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Turn them on after making the turn, or as close to the turn as possible. |
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Give turn signals, slow down as if turning, then speed up and turn off your signals. Repeat at next turn. |
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If some one is giving turn signals with their hand and blinkers, do not trust them--wait until after they have turned. The people behind you will understand. |
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You;re identifying your self as a non-southerner (be careful). |
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You're wasting energy & |
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Accelerating the end-of-life on the bulb filaments |
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Potentially causing seizures in epileptic patients (they drive in Mobile) |
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Confusing new Mobile drivers |
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Confusing emergency vehicles [flashing lights mean emergency] |
CONSTRUCTION, FARM, 18-WHEELERS, AND HIGHWAY VEHICLES
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Operation on the road is only permitted during rush hour and lunch hour, never before or after. |
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Pull out in front of on coming vehicles as often as possible |
TURNING
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When in the center turn lane, be sure that the front and the rear of your vehicle blocks the adjacent lanes |
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When turning left, swing as far right before making the turn, and vice-versa. |
AMBULANCES
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Follow closely |
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You probably don't know the person in need, so don't bother to pull over. |
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Ignore lights and sirens when approaching an intersection that has stopped vehicles (this is your chance to get ahead of the traffic jams!). |
PASSING MANEUVERS
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If the vehicle behind you is attempting to pass, continue to slow down, occasionally slamming on brakes, as long as there are vehicles in the other lane or there is a yellow center line. |
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Speed up when any vehicle begins to pass. |
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If you are behind some one that is driving slow, do not pass--it makes the drivers behind you respect you as much as the slow driver. |
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When you have completed your passing maneuver, always drive slower than the vehicle that you just passed. Stop or turn as soon as possible afterwards. |
TRAFFIC SIGNALS
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You are permitted to pass under a red light two seconds after it has changed to red. |
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You may turn left on red, right on red, or go straight on red when it is not permitted. |
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If you don't see the red light, it isn't; proceed. |
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Slow up when approaching a green light so that you will just go under as it turns red and cause the vehicles behind you to have to stop at the red light. |
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Traffic signals in Mobile are timed to allow you to spend your time waiting, so relax, and enjoy the littered ditches. |
STANDARD EQUIPMENT
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Ford Pick up truck. |
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Holey muffler. |
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Baseball cap, preferably with the name of some pesticide or fertilizer embossed on it. |
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Gun rack. Gun optional, but recommended. |
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Live stock, trash, dawgs or rug rats in the back. |
LITTER
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Tossing litter in the ditches will keep the county busy. |
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It also gives the "community service" people something to do after getting caught driving drunk. |
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Any litter that blows out of the back of the truck is an accident and is not considered litter. |
4-WAY STOPS
(1, 2, 3, 4)THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.
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Always drinks the least of the group. |
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Drinks before or after the event do not count. |
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Drinking while driving is not permitted. The vehicle must be at a complete stop; proceed after completely swallowing. |
PARKING
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Never park in the center of the lines. Either park diagonally or way to one side. |
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Open your door as hard as possible to make an impression on the nearby car. (Teach this trick to your children.) |
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Park in handicapped, senior, or fire lanes. If they are not being used, then it must be "ok." |
RIGHT OF WAY
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Might Makes Right! |
OTHER
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Leave 1 vehicle-length between you & the car in front. This allows other cars to fill in the space. |
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When a lane ends always assume that it is the other driver's responsibility to yield even if it means running them off the road. Pretending that you do not see them also gives you the right of way. |
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When a lane does end, race with the driver next to you and as soon as you are ahead and the lane ends, drive as slowly as possible unless the person is attempting to pass (see "Passing"). |
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If driving at night, be sure to use HIGH beam headlights. |
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When merging on to an interstate or other high-speed roadway, treat any merge or yield sign as a stop sign, since most stop signs in residential areas are treated as yield signs (keeps the balance). |
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Don't bother to tune up your vehicle or stop oil burning engines. Pollution only counts if it is from industry. |
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Wait as late as possible to turn on headlights--this saves energy. |
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Play music as loud as possible; driving is a visual task requiring little attention to outside noises or signals. |
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Tint your windows as dark as possible so that there will be little distractions to your driving. |
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Wait until it gets hot before repairing your airconditioner--this gives you the opportunity to make a lot of new friends which you will spend a lot of time with at the repair shop. |
