The Story of the Keswindhover Archipelago of Love
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day One
(in which the Love Boat discharges its cargo)
Spike gazed out broodingly over the azure seas of the Live Journal Ocean, cursing himself for having agreed to a return visit to the Magical Archipelago of Love. The last time he had visited, he had barely escaped with his life. Even now he could but dimly recall what had transpired on that first, disastrous trip - although sometimes confused images of male nakedness, pounding surf, glistening donuts and the perverted use of swizzle sticks tormented his dreams. He must be mad to return - and yet, from the moment the invitation had mysteriously appeared, he had felt an irresistible, feverish desire to see the islands again. Could he be under a spell?
...........
Buffy gazed suspiciously at the back of Cap’n Sisabet’s head. A few moments ago the Love Boat had discharged its cargo of Whedonverse cast and crew (and the usual score of hangers-on) on to the dock of Saussabet Island, from where they all had clambered wearily aboard the local ferry, the ‘Spangel’, for their onward journey to Rabid1st Island, home of the Sweet Spot Hotel, and their base for the week. After their long sea voyage, everyone had hoped for an opportunity to stretch their legs and look around the beautiful little port; but both the Cap’n and her companion Mate Saussy had seemed mighty keen to bustle everyone on to the ferry, and away from the shores of Saussabet Island in the shortest time possible. It was almost as if they were hiding something. Buffy made a mental note to return, discreetly, to discover what sinister secret they were hiding on their sunny and seemingly pristine isle.
...........
Giles sat on a suitcase of books in the stern of the ‘Spangel’, polishing his glasses to remove the sea spray, and speculating idly on the origin of the word ‘Spangel’ and on the possible history of the archipelago. He hoped there was a book about it in the hotel reception - there had mysteriously been no mention of the Keswindhover Archipelago in any of the atlases or encyclopaedias he had consulted before his trip, and when he had given way to the forces of progress and ‘Googled’ the name on the library computer, not a single hit had he found. It was all most strange - but on the plus side a pretty young woman with a flower in her hair, a cap on her head and a pipe between her teeth, had just given him a Bosun’s Mate cocktail* with a large paper umbrella in it. He took a cautious sip - Mmmm! It was excellent.
...........
Willow looked about her hotel room uncertainly. The room service menu was .... interesting. Cherries, whipped cream, fresh strawberries and pineapple wedges dipped in imported chocolate were top of the list, well ahead of tea, coffee, fruit juice and sandwiches. And the hotel’s private tv channel was positively alarming. She began to wonder if her decision to accept the mysterious invitation to film a Christmas Special here on the Keswindhover Archipelago of Love, and resurrect her dear departed love Tara in the Legendary Fountain of Youth that was rumoured to flow here, might not have been entirely wise. She pulled her flannel pyjamas more closely around her and shivered. Who knew what madness the fast approaching night might bring?
*Bosun's Mate Cocktail
Ingredients
1 oz blended whiskey
1 oz ruby port
1 oz Jamaica rum
several dashes of Angostura bitters
Instructions
Mix all ingredients in a shaker with cracked ice. Serve in a tumbler.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Two
(the morning after the night before)
Breakfast at the Sweet Spot Hotel that morning was a curiously subdued affair. People trickled downstairs over the course of the morning, some of them pressing their hands against their backs, or with their necks swathed in scarves. Eyes were avoided, and greetings reluctantly muttered - and when the servitors produced a huge bowl of fresh fruit salad, consisting of cherries, strawberries and pineapple, topped with whipped cream, there was a concerted gasp from a great number of those present.
Giles looked up, distracted for a moment from the fascinating Guide to the Archipelago that he held in his hands. But seeing merely a harmless fruit salad, he bent to his book again. The guide was somewhat fantastical - claiming that rum ran from the rocks on Circe_Tigana Island, while chocolate bubbled up from the chocolate well on Miss Murchison Island , for example - but it also contained a wealth of fascinating folk history, descriptions of the local flora and fauna, and a succession of rather confusing maps. He felt a presence looming over his shoulder, and looked up again, irritably. Willow slid into the chair next to him.
“Morning, Giles. Is that a guidebook?”
Giles looked at Willow’s eager eyes and twitching hands. Clearly she was up to her old tricks again. “Magic sites and ritual objects are on pages 25-26,” he said, resigned, and handed the book over to her.
...........
Spike swung athletically off the roof of the Sweet Spot Hotel, and disappeared into the trees. A dim memory from his last visit had persuaded him to pass up on the complimentary chocolate coated pineapple wedges brought to his room the night before, and so he had been able to observe the disgraceful orgy that followed with a clear head, and a detached eye. And now he was off to catch the ferry, and try to find the source of the Archipelago’s swizzle sticks, where he suspected the awful truth about the events of his previous visit might be found. He stepped out on to the beach beneath the hotel, and stopped short. A dozen athletic men in grass skirts were engaged in a game of beach football, watched over by a small haughty woman seated on a throne, and holding a parasol over her head. He gazed yearningly - he loved football.
...........
Buffy pulled herself up on to the beach of Saussabet Island, congratulating herself on passing up the whipped cream smothered cherries that had appeared at her door the night before - swimming on a full stomach was notoriously dangerous, her mom had told her so. Once dawn had broken, she had swum easily to the island, using her super Slayer strength. Now she planned to discover its dark secrets.
She set out, determined. And stopped short after only a few paces. Two naked men were making out in the pounding surf. She crept closer, so she could be quite sure that was what they were doing. Both men seemed strangely familiar.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Three
(in which our heroes go exploring)
Spike raced about the beach following the football*, kicking sand in his opponents' eyes, and hacking at their ankles with gay abandon. The grass skirt he was wearing was proving to be very practical sports kit on a tropical isle. He had baulked at first when the tiny but implacable Queen Gobi had waved it in his direction, but once it was clear that without the skirt he could not play, he had shrugged his shoulders, and dropped his jeans, to general applause. He bore down on the goal, the wind in his hair, his eyes narrowed in triumph ....
...........
Giles pushed his way wearily through the hot sweaty jungle, as lianas clutched at his ankles, and huge waxy palm fronds slapped him in the face. Why, oh why had he agreed to accompany Willow to Monkey Island, legendary home of the fountain of youth? Sometimes he thought he was too easily led, especially by forceful young women.
Willow, behind him, was in an even poorer state. Her pale skin was blotched with heat and sunburn, and some of the larger palm fronds had nearly knocked her off her feet as they sprung back against her tired arms. And she had the feeling she was being watched. Several times she thought she had seen bright eyes in the forest canopy, gazing down at her, and heard excited chatter over the calling of the birds, and the whirring of the insects. (Little did she know, dear reader, what would have occurred had she chosen to climb one of those trees, for this little detail was not in Giles' guidebook.)
...........
Buffy stared disbelieving as Spike and Xander, rolling together in the pounding surf of Saussabet Island. How had they got there from the Sweet Spot Hotel so early, and just when had they started this disgusting, sordid affair? Spike pressed Xander down into the sand, and she shuddered. She had been watching them for nearly two hours now, and not once had they so much as stopped for a quick cup of coconut milk, or a mango, to recoup their strength. It was unnatural. What could be wrong with them?
Up on the hillside above, unobserved by Buffy, Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy looked up from the telescope they kept permanently focused on the beach, and gazed at one another in alarm. Their dark secret was Out!
...........
*The game called football is sometimes known to those of an American persuasion as 'soccer'. However, to Spike, and to me, football is the game played with a round ball, which is kicked with your feet.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Four
(fouls, and booby traps)
Spike lay on his back watching a dozen little tweeting birds circle overhead. One moment he had been bearing down on the goal, only the goalie to beat ... and then there had been a blow - and darkness. Her dragged himself to his feet and looked about angrily to see who had fouled him. The beach was deserted. Gone was Queen Gobi, and her troupe of muscular tanned footballing boys; gone the bags of oranges, and pots of liniment. No trace remained of the match, save a few scuffs in the sand, and the large throbbing bruise on the back of Spike's head. He staggered off towards the quay, reflecting bitterly that he was mad ever to come back to this benighted Archipelago.
...........
Willow ran sobbing from the forest, stumbled over a rock, and fell headlong into a pool at the base of a waterfall. As they had fought their way through the forest, Giles, in the lead had stepped into a springy trap, which had triggered, hurtling him upward into the canopy. Willow had rushed to the spot calling out for him desperately. But there was no sign of the intrepid librarian. He had disappeared.
...........
Cap'n Saussy was watching the back of Buffy's head through her telescope, as she in her turn remained transfixed by the disgraceful scenes in the surf below. Cap'n Sisabet looked fretfully at her watch. Buffy had been watching the show for nearly three and a half hours now - the perv. She looked behind her to where Mate Saussy was in urgent conversation via the Archipelago Coconut Shell and String Phone System with Beamer (proprietress of Beamer's, the bar where everyone knew her name - because she'd stuck it right on the outside of the bar in neon. 'Beamer's' it said.) She hoped there was still time for their cunning trap, designed to prevent Buffy ever passing on her knowledge of SSDDS* might yet come to fruit.
*SSDDS = Saussy and Sisabet's Deep Dark Secret
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Five
(disgraceful behaviour)
Willow came up spluttering, blinking water from her eyes. As she did so, she became aware of a shadowy figure standing across the pool from her, partly hidden behind the spray of the waterfall. She peered uncertainly - was it a woman standing there, bunch of bananas in hand - or was it a large Monkey?
But what of Giles, you say. As you will recall, dear reader, tiring of waiting for him to choose a tree and clamber up, one of the more impatient of the forest inhabitants had catapulted him into her love nest. When he had attempted to escape, this wild desperate woman had bound him hand and foot, and disarranged his clothing, despite his vigorous protests - and he had feared the worst. However, then there had come a thunderous clap of thunder and his assailant had fled, leaving him lying helpless in a bed of leaves, high above the forest floor. A moment or two later several muscular, semi naked men had clambered into the nest, and carried him down to the forest floor, where he had made the acquaintance of gracious Island Queen, Xander03, who was passing by on a State Visit.
Now he sat, sipping tea from the hands of Queen Xander03 (for his hands were still tied behind his back - a fact he had mentioned a few times) and discussing Renaissance literature with her Majesty. The literature chit chat was merely the precursor to the main topic of course - he wondered what the Royal Lady might be leading up to?
...........
"Grease 'er up, and give it another go, Cap'n!" cried Mate Saussy. She was referring of course to the starter motor of 'The Spangel' which had seized up at a tremendously inopportune time. Just, in fact, as they attempted to ferry a furious bagged Slayer from Saussabet Island to Miss Murchison Island, where among the chocolate wells, sprung also the Well of Forgetting, in which they were proposing to dunk their petite but powerful prisoner.
The ever resourceful Beamer had arrived on Saussabet Island with three Ronald Reagan masks and a large canvas sack, and the three of them had crept down do the shore, and after only 10 minutes or so of gawping at the glistening, naked, intertwined bodies of Spike and Xander, had sprung upon the entranced Slayer, bagged her and slung her on an oar, then carried her furiously struggling person to the ferry.
And that would have been that, were it not for the accursed starter motor... Sisabet and Saussy were below, sweating and bumping into each other in dark engine room, while Beamer kept nervous watch on the sack, slung by its oar between the chimney pot and the poop deck rail. Some of the seams were stretching as she looked.
She heard a merry 'tooting', and turned round, aghast. Steaming down on her was 'The Spangel', with its night crew on board. And there were passengers, even so early in the morning. Beamer gazed up at the three slim figures lined up against the for'ard rail, and groaned. Could it have been any worse? Visiting World Famous artiste David Bowie, his hostess Queen Bailunrui, and - holding a frankly very silly parasol over his head - Spike the Vampire, all gazing down with great interest at the wriggling sack on the deck. This was going to take some very creative lying to explain away.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Six
(dolphins and bananas)
“Hello!” said Bartender Beamer, flashing a bright smile at her interested audience. “I see you’re looking at my dolphin!”
The brows of visiting World Famous Artiste, David Bowie drew together in a frown. “Just what are you doing to that poor cetacean?” he demanded. “Is that hapless animal destined for the kitchens of the Archipelago’s Famous Chef, Hoene? I’ve had my suspicions about that woman for some time. She’s very evasive about just what she puts in her Hoene’s Surprise”
“Oh goodness me, no!” said Beamer innocently. “We’re just transporting Flipper here to the waters around Miss Murchison Island, for her own protection.”
“We?” said Queen Bailunrui mildly, looking at the deserted deck.
“Ah.” Beamer looked around. “Yes, Cap’n Sisabet and Mate Saussy are below decks, trying to get their engine started.” And indeed as she spoke, everyone heard a repetitive moaning from belowdecks, and a wet slapping sound. “They seem to have got things moving anyway,” said Beamer brightly. The deck beneath her feet began to vibrate, and then the engine sprang into life with a roar, and the boat shot forward. Beamer waved at the receding figures behind her, her hair tangling in the breeze, and then fell to the deck on her backside, as the boat abruptly changed course, and shot out in to the open ocean.
Her audience gazed at the eccentric wake of ‘The Spuffy’ as it powered across the water.
“Shouldn’t someone be steering that boat?” said David Bowie.
“Oh,” said Queen Bailunrui, shading her eyes, and gazing at rapidly receding dot on the horizon, “I’m sure someone will mount the bridge eventually.”
...........
Willow, meanwhile, was sitting nervously on a rock trying politely to decline a fifth banana that was being eagerly proffered to her by Monkey, the Jungle Queen. She shifted nervously. The noble savage’s powerful simian hand was resting in a rather over-familiar manner on her thigh. She attempted, cautiously, to re-introduce the topic of kidnapped librarians and the Fountain of Youth, but it seemed the Queen had her mind set firmly on other things.
...........
Giles settled back in his deckchair on Jane Davitt Island, with a happy sigh. Queen Xander03 had taken him, in her dug-out canoe powered by twenty semi naked and muscular young men, first to Elinora Island where they had collected the lady Queen and her companion (who looked oddly like that actor fellow, Alan Rickman) and then to Jane Davitt Island, where they had been greeted by their gracious hostess, and furnished with cocktails. A third lady was present, by the name of Miss Murchison, and Giles gathered that he had stumbled into a meeting of the Keswindhover Archipelago Book club.
Queen Xander03 had finally untied his hands, so that he could hold up his copy of ‘Guards! Guards!’ by Terry Pratchett, the current topic of discussion. In a moment, he gathered, there was going to be a reading from chapter one, given by one of Queen Jane Davitt’s native subjects. Apparently the fellow was very good at comic accents.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Seven, Part One
(discoveries, and a wise monkey)
Willow lay in the Jungle Queen’s luxurious banana leaf nest, feeling rather sleepy. The Queen had ‘entertained’ her at length, and, in the gentle glow that followed, while the Queen idly picked through her hair for lice, she had found herself confessing her love for the tragically deceased Tara, and her desperate plan to revive her beloved in the Fountain of Youth. At which, the Queen had patted her on the thigh, fed her a mango, and given her some excellent advice.
...........
Giles gazed around him. The Book Club had moved from their comfy deckchairs to a rather delightful terrace bar on the beach. The seating available was limited to four small two seater sofas, and so he found himself doubling up with Queen Xander03, their thighs pressed rather pleasantly together. Queen Elinora had adopted a similar pose with Alan Rickman, while Queen Jane Davitt and Queen Miss Murchison had each plumped a cushion beside them on their own two seater sofas, and were looking around them expectantly.
At that moment, two male figures strode across the terrace. Giles gasped in shock - it was Spike, and a man who could have been his own twin!!
...........
Spike hopped down on to the dock of Saussabet Island and strode determinedly up the beach. Queen Bailunrui gazed after him thoughtfully, and flipped open her cell phone to make a quick call. Then, she led World Famous Artiste David Bowie to a small kiosk at the end of the dock, hired them a beach buggy, and set out after Spike. As they pulled away, a shadowy figure emerged from behind the kiosk, adjusted her sunglasses and fedora, slipped a notebook into the pocket of her trenchcoat, and hailed a buggy in her turn. It was Superplin, girl reporter.
Note: But what of ‘The Spuffy’ and its varied human cargo of Cap’n Sisabet, Mate Saussy, Bartender Beamer and a hog-tied Slayer you ask? Tune in this afternoon for an extra instalment in the exciting saga to find out.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Seven, Part Two
(man love)
Giles gazed agitatedly at the man who so closely resembled him. Clad in Bermuda shorts, and a crisp white shirt, and sporting a healthy tan, the DoppelGiles appeared to be a tidier, suaver version of his own self. Giles was transfixed, until a sudden yell of 'boat ahoy!' distracted him. Queen Jane Davitt has risen to her feet and was gazing through a large brass telescope at a little boat bobbing on the waves at a distance. After a moment she passed the telescope to Queen Miss Murchison, who looked through it, and then gave a little 'tchah' of annoyance.
"It's Colin," Queen Miss Murchison said, resignedly. "I left him behind because he was having such fun bouncing in my new ball pool, but he must have gotten lonely."
And indeed, as the little canoe drew closer, Giles could see that the paddler was a semi-naked muscular man, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Colin Firth. Giles watched Colin, glistening with perspiration as he drove his paddle frantically through the sea to reach his Mistress, and then across at the DoppelGiles, and FauxSpike - and a terrible suspicion began to bloom in his mind.
...........
Meanwhile, Spike had circumnavigated very nearly half way round the island, to the secluded cliff top hideaway of Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy. By this time he had established a rapid pace and quite some momentum, so as he stepped on to the seadogs' private beach, and saw an unexpectedly outstretched bare leg, he was unable to prevent himself tumbling headlong over it.
After a dazed moment he looked up, blinked sand from his eyelashes - and found himself staring into two pairs of interested eyes, one pair a melting brown, the other dark blue. It was Xander - and some skinny poof with dyed hair! Then he looked closer, and gave a little gasp. Surely, it couldn't be ... it was impossible ....
"Hello," said Xander, "You look just like my boyfriend Spike."
...........
But what, you say, impatience beginning to creep into your tone, of the good ship 'Spuffy' and her intrepid crew?
Well, what with one thing and another no one had reached the tiller of The Spuffy for some considerable time. Mate Saussy and Cap'n Sisabet were still tinkering with their engines, while Bartender Beamer was fully occupied trying to parcel the Slayer sack up with nautical rope. And, although there was a great deal of open ocean to aim at, somehow it was not entirely surprising that The Spuffy had nonetheless managed to ram into an island.
Poor Beamer was bumped on to her backside yet again, and the bagged Slayer swung wildly on her oar. A moment later Mate Saussy and Cap'n Sisabet emerged from the engine room, rubbing their heads, to find a noble, and quite naked savage, standing on the beach to greet them.
"Welcome to OnlyOOT Island", said the Savage. "You're a little late for the morning orgy, but come and have a cup of tea, and I'm sure we can fit you in for the afternoon session."
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Eight
(revelations, and handcuffs)
"I demand an explanation!" shouted Giles.
Queen Elinora raised a regal eyebrow. "Demand?" she said coldly. "You are in no position to demand, Librarian Giles. To beg, maybe.
Queen Xander03 giggled and made a rude gesture, while Queen Jane Davitt flicked an imaginary speck of dust from her elegant bikini. Queen Miss Murchison, meanwhile, was absently patting Colin Firth, as he rested peacefully in her lap. "It's really perfectly simple," she said ...
...........
"...image rights," said Queen Bailunrui. She and World Famous Artiste David Bowie sat side by side in their beach buggy, confronted by an angry Spike, and a curious (and buck naked) Spike and Xander, holding hands. Queen Bailunrui cast an uneasy glance at her guest; she hoped he wasn't finding all this too bizarre. But David Bowie was unfazed. Over the Glam Pop years he'd seen pretty much everything, and hallucinated a lot more. Queen Bailunrui took a deep breath, and began to explain. She hoped Jonesiexxx was going to show up with the anaesthetic dart gun soon.
As she began her tale, Superplin, girl reporter was inching forward on her elbows, very grateful that her tan trenchcoat blended in so well with the sand.
...........
"Do you take milk?" said OnlyOOT pleasantly.
Bartender Beamer groaned. After initially perking right up at the mention of orgies, she had remembered that she would not only miss the morning orgy, and the afternoon orgy, but also the evening orgy with fireworks - for she had given her word to help Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy get the Slayer to the Well of Forgetfulness. Speaking of which. She looked at the wriggling sack. Even the fathoms of nautical rope now restraining the Slayer were bound to break soon. "Do you have any spare handcuffs?" she asked her Gracious Host.
"Well naturally," he said, reaching into his cute little bum bag, and pulling out a pair. "Fur lined," he added proudly.
"Ooh!" said Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy together, their eyes growing round.
"They're for Buff- for our guest," said Beamer, glaring at the saucy twosome. Sometimes she felt they weren't taking this crisis altogether seriously. She turned back to OnlyOOT. "It would also be useful if you had any chocolate coated pineapple chunks handy."
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Nine
(in which this narrative gets rather meta)
Image rights?!" shouted Giles, pacing around agitatedly and shooting a hostile look at his Bermuda shorted self, who was now resting elegantly on the sofa beside QueenXander03.
"Precisely," said Queen Miss Murchison. She gestured to Spike, Colin Firth, Alan Rickman and DoppelGiles. "Each of these gentleman at some time in the past has visited these friendly islands, and signed over their image rights within the Archipelago to the mighty Keswindhover." Everyone looked solemn for a moment.
"And she, in her turn," continued Queen Xander03, "has licensed them to appear in the narrative of the various stories being told about the many islands that exist here. Like mine." She patted DoppelGiles possessively.
Giles' eyes narrowed. "Don't at least some of these gentlemen already have existing global image rights agreements signed with conglomerates elsewhere?" he said shrewdly.
"Covering the traditional seven continents, yes," said Queen Jane Davitt, nodding agreeably. "But you see, the Archipelago is a eighth continent, a fictional one."
"And it's not on earth," added Queen Elinora. "It's in cyber space." And the four ladies raised their cocktail glasses and clinked them together in congratulation.
"Nonetheless," added Queen Miss Murchison, "there's always a possibility some corporate shark somewhere might try coming after us with a web-based lawsuit."
Queen Jane Davitt sighed. "Always so tedious having to go shark hunting," she said plaintively.
"So, I think we're going to have to dunk you," said Queen Elinora. She looked meaningfully at Queen Xander03, who raised an arm to summon her muscular minions.
Giles started to back slowly away.
...........
The Spuffy steamed slowly away from OnlyOOT Island, the Slayer newly cuffed and drugged with chocolate covered pineapple chunks.
Bartender Beamer gazed wistfully over the bow of the Spuffy at Only OOT Island, and the receding nude figure of its gracious host OnlyOOT, visions of naked cavortings dancing through her brain. The number of favours Sisabet and Saussy owed her was mounting, she felt.
'The Spuffy' forged her way through the azure ocean, and finally to Miss Murchison Island. Where an unexpected sight met their eyes. Sal101010, owner of the Murchison Island Ball Pool, sat on the dock with a pile of 12 spacious hamster cages beside her, gazing out to sea. Beside her was the figure of Lunakornkid, noted Archipelago hedonist, together with Queen Monkey of the Monkey People, and a skinny redhead with a dazed expression. Beamer perked right up. There were the makings of a famous party right there on the dock.
Cap'n Sisabet emerged from the hot steamy engine room, stripped to her scanties, and wielding a socket wrench. She looked at the mob on the dock. "Passengers! Pity we had to choose today to be a bit late. Still, hakuna matata, eh?" She smiled at the throng on the dock, and stepped lightly from the ship, rope in hand. At which point, Queen Monkey leapt on her and knocked her to the ground.
...........
Spike paced the beach, shouting.
"Image rights?! You're saying that I -" he thumped his chest, "came here a few years ago, and sold my image rights to some shadowy gangster called Keswindhover. And then volunteered to forget all about it? What could she possibly have offered to induce me to do something so stupid and irresponsible?" He began to march up and down the beach, parasol in hand, ranting and gesturing angrily.
"I really couldn't say," said Queen Bailunrui, trying not to laugh as World Famous Artiste David Bowie did a rude little mime behind Spike's turned back, suggesting just what it might have been.
Spike and Xander saw the mime too, and giggled. Queen Bailunrui beckoned them to her buggy and gave them each a Dove Bar, which she took from the cool box beneath her feet, and pointed to the seat behind her. They climbed on board obediently, just as the faint whine of another buggy was heard, and Jonesiexxx came riding over the nearest dune, dart gun resting against the windshield, and Spike's backside firmly in her sights. She fired, and Spike gave a little yelp, pulled the dart from his backside and began to run.
"Darn!" said Jonesiexxx, putting her rifle on the seat beside her. "I'm going to have to hunt him down!"
"Who's that lady?" said Xander, sucking on his Dove Bar, and pointing. Queen Bailunrui gazed back at him, ready to explain all about Jonesiexxx, White Game Hunter. But he wasn't pointing at Jonesie - he was pointing at a rapidly receding figure slithering through the tufts of grass on the slope of the dunes.
Queen Bailunrui narrowed her eyes. She'd know that Fedora anywhere. "Jonesie!" she cried. "Never mind Spike - we'll collect him in a second when he passes out. For now - hunt down that snake in the grass - Superplin, Girl Reporter!"
She pointed, and Jonesie reversed her buggy in a spray of sand and set out after the errant Third Estater, dart gun rattling on the seat beside her.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Ten
(the obligatory chase scenes)
Superplin, girl reporter, ran hell for leather up the sandy beach, Jonesiexxx on her tail. Jonesiexxx gunned the engine of her beach buggy, and flew, coppery curls streaming in the wind, up over each dune, and then down with a bump on the other side. Superplin put on a desperate burst of speed, the belt of her trenchcoat whipping behind her, and reporter's notebook flapping in her hand. As they came out on the flat area behind the dunes, Jonesiexxx gave a shout of triumph, and levelled her dart gun ...
...........
Giles ran hell for leather up the sandy beach, a dozen semi naked and muscular men on his tail. The Lady Queens leant back in their armchairs to enjoy the show on the CCTV screen Queen Jane Davitt had conveniently installed in the bar.
"He's got quite a turn of speed for his age," said Queen Elinora, as they watched Giles scale a sandbank and pound up a flight of steps towards the shady grove where the Royal deckchairs were arrayed.
"He's a man in his prime!" said Queen Xander03 indignantly. "Look at the muscle on him."
And indeed, as he ran, Giles' shirt had come untucked, and was now flying behind him, and the ladies were all able to admire his heaving chest as he made a last desperate charge for the shelter of the trees.
Queen Miss Murchison got reluctantly to her feet, dislodging Colin Firth from her lap as she did so. "We'd better make sure they don't damage him. They're all lovely boys, but they can get a bit over-excited." She gestured to her fellow Queens, and they trooped out, trailed by Colin Firth, Alan Rickman, Spike and Doppel Giles, and made their stately way up to the forest clearing.
When they arrived they found Giles panting facedown under a scrum of semi-naked men, his glasses askew and his hair standing on end. "Let him up boys," said Queen Xander03, leaning down to smooth down Giles' hair, and adjust his glasses. "We all need to take a little trip to Miss Murchison Island."
...........
There was chaos on the dock of Miss Murchison Island. When Monkey had landed on her, Cap'n Sisabet had let go of the mooring rope of 'The Spuffy', which had yawed away from the dock. Bartender Beamer and Mate Saussy, who had been unhitching the oar from which swung the drugged Slayer, tripped, and fell onto the deck into a confusion of canvas, rope, oar, unconscious Slayer and their own flailing limbs.
Luckily noted hedonist Luna was on hand. She pulled the mooring rope out from under the Monkey/Sisabet scrum, and hitched it neatly, then hopped on board 'The Spuffy', weaved her way through the flailing limbs of Beamer and Saussy, and threw the aft mooring rope ashore, where it was caught by Sal101010, and hitched in a matter of seconds.
Mate Saussy rose from the confused tangle on deck, took one look at the two rolling figures on deck, leapt athletically to shore and flung herself into the melee. "Monkeeeee!!" she yelled. "Long time no see!" And after a happy minute of rolling about, the three of them got to their feet, beaming, and much happy hugging and bottom slapping ensued, as the three old friends were reunited.
Meanwhile, Luna had helped Beamer to her feet, and together they hefted their slightly squirming canvas burden on to the dock. Luna looked at it quizzically. "Well of Forgetfulness?" she asked Beamer. Beamer nodded.
Luna sighed and looked wistfully out to sea. "So much for making it to Only OOT Island for the evening orgy and fireworks."
"Tell me about it," said Beamer, bitterly.
"And what about my hamsters?" asked Sal101010, pointing to the stacked hamster cages. "I promised them the 21 Island Tour. So far all they've seen is a cackhanded boat docking manoeuvre, a three way wrestling match, and a kidnapping."
"And that's only on the first island!" said Luna smiling at the little row of furry faces peering out from between the cars of their cages. "Just think what stories they'll have to tell when they get back from the tour."
...........
Jonesiexxx sighted her gun on the fleeing Superplin's buttocks, and fired. But just as she did so, the buggy bounced in a rut, and the dart kicked upwards - and flew straight into Superplin's famous fedora hat, tipping the brim into her eyes. Blinded, Superplin stopped and grabbed the hat, and tore it from her head. When she saw the ugly feathered dart sticking through the felt she gave a great sob, and turned defiantly to face the onrushing Jonesiexxx. "You've ruined my hat, Queen Jonesiexxx. Believe me, you're going to need a hell of a lot of warm oil massage once I'm through with stomping on you, and your pith helmet!" And she assumed a martial arts pose, and awaited the buggy as it rushed towards her.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Eleven
(convergence)
The sound of a beach buggy was heard in the distance. Queen Bailunrui looked up from her task of trussing an unconscious Spike up with rope, as Jonesiexxx drew up beside her.
"She put up a sporting fight, but I've got her," said an exhausted Jonesiexxx, pointing to the prone figure of Superplin, girl reporter, bound and gagged in the back seat of the buggy, squashed fedora jammed over her eyes. Jonesie touched her sore lip; the feisty reporter had put up a struggle all right.
"But she only has the one notebook on her, and all the jottings in it seem to relate to an investigation of what Famous Chef Hoene puts in her Hoene's Surprise. Which is pretty amazing, actually..." Jonesiexxx tailed off, then drew herself up and looked noble. "So, I'm off to the Sweet Spot to break into her room and go through her underwear draw... I mean, check her belongings for the missing notebooks," she announced. "Once I get these two on 'The Spangel,' of course." She looked down at the trussed, unconscious Spike. "He's a lot more fun awake," she said wistfully. "All the Spikes are."
...........
It is no small matter to transport four noble Queens, their entourage, and their distinguished prisoner from one Island to another. A dug-out canoe, or catamaran, however spacious, just will not do. Accordingly, an emergency call had been put in to 'The Spangel'. Meanwhile, the Queens sat down to wait on the dock, while cocktails and canapes were served.
Queen Xander03 looked wistfully at Giles. It was such a pity that the only two times she had encountered him, she had been forced to co-operate in his capture, restraint and kidnap. It was a unpromising start to the more conventional type of relationship, she felt.
It took a surprisingly long time for 'The Spangel' to appear, but fortunately Queen Miss Murchison had brought a supply of bon bons with her, and they passed the time putting chocolates between their teeth and allowing their devoted boys to kiss the chocolates from them. All in all a good time was had.
Finally, though, 'The Spangel' drew into dock, where the Queens were mighty surprised (but naturally delighted) to encounter Queen Jonesiexxx, Queen Bailunrui, World Famous Artiste David Bowie, and two firmly roped human parcels.
Queen Jonesiexxx gazed approvingly at the array of semi naked muscular men standing behind the Queens. She had a Plan.
...........
Meanwhile, back on Miss Murchison Island, Beamer and Luna had combined to insist that Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy carry the oar from which dangled the unconscious Slayer. The saucy crew had been inclined to stay on the dock, and crack open a bottle with Queen Monkey instead. However, a few simple threats of violence had changed their mind, and now they marched up the path, Slayer swinging between them, whistling sea shanties as they went.
Sal's Hamster Tours Inc was also making an unscheduled side trip to the Well of Forgetfulness, since clearly their ferry could not set off until its crew was returned. Sal101010, after an urgent conference with her hamsters, had piled all twelve of them into one cage, and was marching alongside the rest of the expedition. Beamer and Luna were also striding along, to make sure S and S did not become fatally distracted by the chocolate wells en route. Queen Monkey meanwhile, swung easily through the trees above them, occasionally peering bright eyed down through the canopy, or tossing down a banana in a friendly manner.
"So," said Luna after they had clambered up the mountain for a while. "Who actually knows where this Well of Forgetfulness is, then?"
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Twelve, Part One
(meetings)
'The Spangel', heavily laden, crossed the azure seas and docked at Miss Murchison island, behind 'The Spuffy'. On the dock, the passengers gazed curiously at the pile of empty hamster cages, the empty bottle of Tequila lying on its side, and the drooping figure of a small red headed woman, who sat on a mooring bollard with her head in her hands.
Queen Elinora drew in a sharp breath. Had this mad creature got drunk on Tequila, and gone on a rampage, releasing hamsters all over Queen Miss Murchison's island, and causing an ecological disaster? She pointed a quivering finger at the empty cages, door hanging ajar.
"Young woman!" she said in awful tones, "Where are those hamsters?"
"Backpacking," said Willow dully.
"Backpacking?!" shouted Queen Miss Murchison. "Are you mad? Hamsters aren't built to carry heavy loads. Poor little creatures. They're artists, not hikers! "
The other Queens gazed at Queen Miss Murchison's flushed face, and disordered hair, and exchanged significant looks. Willow looked up, jolted out of her introspection.
"They're backpacking in the sense that they're being carried on someone's back," she said, waving a vague hand. "Everyone's gone to see the Well of Forgetfulness. But I'm meant to wait here until someone called Keswindhover turns up." She looked glumly at the two ferries docked end to end, and the milling mob of people on the dock. "I don't suppose any of you are Keswindhover?" she asked, without much hope in her voice.
Queen Elinora coughed into her hand, "Goodness me no," she said. "Keswindhover is..."
"Enough of this chit chat," said Jonesiexxx forcefully. "We need action!" She struck a pose, dart gun sloped across her shoulder. "I need to swim across to Rabid1st Island, scale the outside wall of the Sweet Spot hotel, break into the room of this snake in the grass" - she glared at Superplin - "and steal her papers, and sabotage her computer. All in a good cause, naturally." She looked noble. Superplin began to struggle furiously against her bonds.
"Gosh," said Queen Jane Davitt, waving a languid hand,"that all sounds terribly forceful." She looked vaguely around her. "Why don't we lend you some boys to row you across?"
"I can perfectly well swi..." began Jonesiexxx, and then she looked at the boys in their loin cloths. "I want that one, and that one, and that one," she said, pointing.
"Done," said Queen Xander03.
"And you can borrow my launch," said Queen Miss Murchison, pointing to the boat house a little further down the beach.
"Right!" said Jonesiexxx, and she strode along the beach, the three boys falling in behind her obediently.
"So active," said Queen Elinora admiringly, looking at Jonesiexxx's retreating back. "And now, 'The Spangel' must continue its rounds. All our fellow islanders depend upon it." She looked at Queen Bailunrui, who nodded, and smiled fondly at World Famous Artiste David Bowie. "Poor David needs his afternoon nap anyway, she said. "He has to be fresh for his performance for me tonight." There was general smirkage among the queens, quickly suppressed when Queen Bailunrui turned round to face them again, and then stepped back aboard 'The Spangel', tenderly assisted her companion aboard.
In a very few moments the boat set off across the sparkling water. The four Queens stood on the dock, waving 'The Spangel' farewell. Then Queen Miss Murchison looked around her. "Now," she said, "hiking is all very well, and terribly adventurous and so on, but personally I prefer something more convenient." She gestured imperiously to Colin Firth. "Colin," she said grandly, "you may fetch the charabanc."
...........
But what of the fearless expedition that had set out into the interior of Miss Murchison Island to find the Well of Forgetfulness - without a map? Things had not been going well. Fuelled by tequila and general joie de vivre Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy had carried the Slayer slung from their oar with no more than a few token complaints for several miles. But then, the going had got tough - the ground grew steeper, and rockier, the jungle more oppressive, the paths less clear. Beamer and Luna, who were respectively more used to keeping bar and eating lotus than climbing mountains, were feeling the pace too. And even Monkey was starting to get bored - and had taken to throwing ugli fruit at the party, instead of bananas.
And indeed, as the sweaty, weary crew staggered miserably along the path, they came to a pile of ugli fruit, lying smashed under a tree. "Oh no!" cried Beamer. For twenty minutes before, Monkey had brought the expedition to a temporary halt, by throwing half a dozen ugli fruit with deadly accuracy at the canvas sack holding the Slayer. And here were the remains of her ambush again.
"We're going round in circles," Luna said glumly.
"We're lost!" wailed Cap'n Sisabet, lifting the oar from her aching shoulder, and collapsing into Mate Saussy's arms.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Twelve, Part Two
(more meetings)
"What's a charabanc?" said Willow, perking up slightly.
Queen Jane Davitt looked over at her, "it's a small motor coach, for excursions," she explained. She gestured to an oblivious Queen Miss Murchison, "She could just call it a coach, but she's read an awful lot of historical novels over the years - and it's had the inevitable effect on her."
"Oh," said Willow, drooping again. She'd been hoping for some kind of giant magical nautilus shell, like in Dr Doolittle.
At that moment there was a toot of a horn, and Colin Firth appeared, behind the wheel of a shiny 18 seater coach, a chauffeur's cap set rakishly on his curls. "Anyone fancy a ride?" he said, with a saucy wink. There was a general rush for the coach.
...........
But what of Jonesiexxx and her mission to track down the notebooks of that devious scion of the Third Estate - Superplin, girl reporter? She had crossed the ocean in Miss Murchison's launch, which luckily had an outboard motor, thus sparing the boys the necessity to row. Jonesiexxx had directed them to work in shifts - one boy steering the launch, the other two busy elsewhere, as the boat ploughed its way across the water.
Arriving on Rabid1st Island sparkling and refreshed she had shouldered her dart gun, waved farewell to her exhausted companions, and marched up to the Sweet Spot Hotel staff quarters, where she stopped briefly to recruit a accomplice - Manynames, the hotel bellhop. She fixed Manynames with a stern eye, "Now then kid," she said, "tell me, has there been any suspicious activity at the hotel recently - tv news crews drinking the bar dry, uncover reporters trying to bribe you to tell 'em dirty secrets, that kind of thing?"
Manynames shook her head, disappointed that no one at all had tried to bribe her for any reason. "There's just some burly red head guy who's gone ballistic because half his actors have split before making his dumb Christmas Special. They're meant to be gathered around the Archipelago totem pole, and singing some sappy 'non-specific-about-religion' songs he wrote his own self" - Manynames crossed her eyes and made gagging noises.
"Geez," said Jonesiexxx, shuddering, "no wonder they all made a break for it." She pulled herself together. "Right, Bit," she said, "you steal the key to the hotel safe, and I'll break and enter."
The Saussabet expedition was in meltdown. There had been shouting, and fruit throwing, and angry tears. And Sal101010 had a full scale revolt on her hands. All twelve hamsters were demanding a lift home and their money back. The exhausted crew sank to the ground in a small clearing and laid their burdens on the jungle floor.
"We haven't even found a chocolate well, never mind The Well of Forgetfulness," said Beamer angrily. "Whose stupid idea was it to try and sort this mess out without contacting Keswindhover?" She glared accusingly at Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy, who glared sulkily back.
"Girls, girls, no need to fight," Luna looked at them all reprovingly. "we need focus here. "Let's be quite clear what our problems are: we're lost, in a jungle, with no food or water-" an ugli fruit thudded to ground in front of her - "Thanks, Monkey," she said, without looking up. "With very little food and water," she amended, "and a drugged Slayer, who is going to wake up soon, and be very angry; and twelve tourista hamsters, who are already very angry." There was a loud chitter of agreement from the cage on the ground.
"And my shoulder hurts," said Mate Saussy.
"-and Mate Saussy's shoulder hurts," finished Luna. "So there we are. In a bit of a fix."
"Doomed," said Cap'n Sisabet, clutching Mate Saussy's sore shoulder. Mate Saussy screamed, just as an ominous deep puffing noise began behind them.
"It's a chocolate well dragon!" cried Sal101010, her eyes wide.
Cap'n Sisabet
grabbed Mate Saussy's sore shoulder again, making her scream for a second time,
and they scrambled madly away, bagged Slayer forgotten.
As the expedition scattered in all directions, a small motor coach rounded the
corner, packed with familiar figures. "Hello, ello!" cried chauffeur Colin
Firth, leaning out of his cab and winking saucily, "Would any of you ladies like
a ride?" The line had been so successful the first time, he thought he should
try it again.
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Thirteen, Part One
(the well - or is it a pool?)
A crowd was gathered around the Well of Forgetfulness.
"That's it?" said Beamer dubiously.
Queen Miss Murchison nodded. "It is indeed."
Luna squinted, "It looks like ..."
"... a children's paddling pool," finished Beamer, flashing a smile at Queen Miss Murchison. Now that she had enjoyed a gentle half hour journey on an air conditioned coach, with complimentary cocktails and chocolate served by boys in loin cloths, she was feeling really quite relaxed.
"It is a children's paddling pool," agreed Queen Miss Murchison. "The Well is underneath, but it's very small, and very deep - and very difficult to lower struggling captives down without accidentally braining them or drowning them." At her words, the captives began to make bleating sounds. "So, we've installed this pool and a little electric pump, to make things simpler." She withdrew the cover from the paddling pool with a flourish. Everyone gazed at the four foot square pool, and the eight or so inches of water revealed inside its flimsy frame. There was a yellow plastic duck floating across the surface.
Queen Jane Davitt looked at the four dishevelled captives, including the now de-bagged, but still sleepy Slayer. "Which one first?" she said musingly.
"Chuck 'em all in," said Queen Xander 03. "It's the same spell for all of them."
Everyone set to with a will, and first Giles, then Spike, then Superplin, then finally (lifted in with great care to prevent her inflicting any nasty injuries) Buffy the Vampire Slayer, found themselves getting their bottoms wet.
"You'll never get away with this!" yelled Superplin, Girl Detective defiantly, having finally chewed through her gag, after four hours of solid effort. Queen Xander03 leant forward, and neatly tied on a new gag.
"Would you, Elinora?" said Queen Miss Murchison, handing the plastic duck to her, "you've always had the nicest reading voice."
Queen Elinora took a deep breath, and held the duck up in both hands. "Let these four anointed remember nothing of the Keswindhover Archipelago of Love, save their time on Rabid1st Island," she intoned. Then she touched the duck to the four captives' foreheads in turn, and threw it into the pool. There was a faint quacking sound, as if from a distance, and the four captives fell instantly into a deep sleep, keeling sideways into the water.
...........
Jonesiexxx tossed Superplin, Girl Reporter's collection of Tintin stories aside impatiently. Amazing Superplin didn't wear plus fours, and rush about with a little white dog in tow, she though savagely. For clearly the deluded girl reporter was a Tintin nut. Her Tintin pyjamas, Tintin sponge bag, Tintin toothbrush, and Tintin 5 dvd box set were a dead giveaway. But what Jonesiexxx had not found was a pile of Tintin themed notebooks containing Superplin's notes on the 'Image Rights' secret of the KAL.
Manynames stood watching her, hands in the ultra tight pockets of her bellhop's uniform. "Luckily we already know that the World Wide Web isn't accessible from the Archipelago," she said, "since we're in a different world. And she hasn't used the Hotel phone, which is the only one with an outside connection. I think we should drop along to the Post Office on Devil Piglet Island and see if she's sent any parcels to anyone."
Jonesiexxx straightened, as she remembered that Clive Owen lived on DevilPiglet Island, serving at the all-you-can eat buffet. "It's a plan," she said shortly; and she pulled Superplin's Tintin boxer shorts out of her pocket and tossed them back into the Girl Reporter's underwear drawer, and strode from the room, Manynames scurrying to catch up with her.
...........
Willow sat on her bollard, staring out to sea. When the Mysterious Keswindhover might be arriving, she had no idea. She knew she should be back on Rabid1st Island by now, singing seasonal songs scripted by Josser The Mighty, but there was no way to get back there in time - and frankly she was glad to be out of it. And he can't fire me, she thought rebelliously, because the series has ended anyway. Hah! She went back to meditating on the bizarre suggestion made by Queen Monkey. Was she really going to go through with it, she wondered?
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Thirteen, Part Two
(the journey back)
Queen Jane Davitt looked fondly at the four sleeping beauties in the back of the charabanc. Giles and Spike were curled up together, while the Slayer lay in Superplin's lap, thumb in mouth. The intrepid reporter slept with her fedora tilted over her eyes, absently patting Buffy's shoulder from time.
Towards the front of the bus, the party was a great deal more rowdy. Cap'n Sisabet, Mate Saussy, Bartender Beamer and Noted Hedonist Luna were taking advantage of the complimentary cocktails, and Sal101010 was feeding the twelve mollified hamsters with Queen Miss Murchison's chocolate - which seemed to be making them a bit hyperactive. Loud singing and squeaking echoed back down the bus as the party got underway.
...........
Jonesiexxx stared at the Recorded Delivery address in Devil Piglet's postbook, her shoulders tense despite the untiring attentions of Clive Owen, lady's masseur. She looked across at Manynames, who was busy doing justice to the all-you-can-eat buffet, while her gracious hostess Devil_Piglet mixed her a mimosa (Clive Owen being occupied). Jonesiexxx ground her teeth, dart gun trembling in her hand. Who the devil was Gwyn_r? And how could she be nobbled? If only she had Gwyn_r's buttocks in her sights right now ... but no- Jonesie slammed the postbook shut. Outside intervention was needed. She needed to call in Keswindhover.
...........
The triumphant expedition had reached the dock of Miss Murchison Island, and after waving farewell to Sal1010110, her twelve hamsters, and Queen Miss Murchison, the rest of the party had clambered aboard 'The Spuffy'.
"See you at Swmbo's later!" cried Queen Miss Murchison, waving them a fond farewell.
The ship immediately made sail for Only OOT Island, to drop off Beamer, and Luna, and return the furry handcuffs. Their gracious nude host took one look at his two exhausted visitors, and escorted them to the Grove of the Naked Dancing Girls for some rest and relaxation.
'The Spuffy' sailed on to the Realms of the various Queens. At each island a farewell toast was drunk, and a touching little speech was made before 'The Spuffy' continued her increasingly erratic course across the ocean, finally arriving at Rabid1st Island as twilight began to fall.
At which point, Superplin, Girl Reporter, tilted back her fedora and crept from her seat. She was awake! She didn't know where she was, or what had happened to her - but she feared the worst. She crouched behind a lifeboat as the ferry approached the pier, prepared to leap from the boat - and freedom.
Unfortunately, the steerswoman was not as sober as she might have been. The Spuffy crashed into the pier with a great thump, pitching Superplin off her feet, and head first under the lifeboat. The pier trembled for a moment, and then fell with a crash into the sea, as Cap'n Sisabet staggered drunkenly from the bridge.
"We're shipping water, Cap'n!" she heard Mate Saussy cry. And the two tipsy tars, disappeared below deck.
Superplin, girl reporter, ran up to the open trapdoor and strained in the semi darkness to hear the whispered conversation below. There was a thump and a muffled curse, and something that sounded like 'bollards'. Then silence. Superplin gazed about her nervously for a hiding place, in case the sailors were coming back on deck. Then the whispering began again, and she relaxed and bent to listen. "I'll get the mounting hardware," said Cap'n Sisabet clearly, "Do you want the big screw, or a couple of little ones?" Superplin smiled into the gloom - clearly the saucy sailors would be occupied for some time. She tiptoed away, and lowered herself over the side of 'The Spuffy', making barely a splash.
...........
On Miss Murchison Island, Willow leapt to her feet as the mysterious figure approached. Surely this must be Keswindhover? She licked her lips, Monkey's strange words ringing in her ears, and began nervously, "Thank you very much for coming. I'd like to sell you some image rights - two lots, actually. But there's one special condition."
The Keswindhover Archipelago of Love Christmas Special - Day Fourteen
(finale)
Night had fallen on the Keswindhover Archipelago of Love.
Giles, Buffy and Spike had been found sound asleep in armchairs in the lounge of the Sweet Spot Hotel, and dragged off to sing non-religion-specific carols around the totem pole under the glowering eye of Joss The Mighty.
Superplin, Girl Reporter, sat in her bedroom looking at her disordered bedroom, her soaking trenchcoat dripping on a hangar over the bath, and her ruined fedora bunched in a small puddle in the sink. Thank heavens the thieves hadn't taken her boxed set of Tintin dvds, or her laptop she thought thankfully. But what had they been after? It was a mystery.
...........
There was a party in progress on swmbo Island. The inhabitants of the KAL had formed a conga line, and were weaving their way in an out of the mango groves, the line randomly dissolving and reforming as people met old friends, and the happy throng hugged, cuddled and danced.
Devil Piglet, Clive Owen and their willing helpers had hauled across her all-you-can-eat buffet, and set up on the beach, with a great bonfire roaring into the starry night beside them. The naked inhabitants of OnlyOot Island were dancing around the fire, and many happy islanders from elsewhere had thrown off their clothes and joined in. Jonesiexxx herself, Great White Hunter, was among them, trailing her three naked boys (Johnny, James and Toshiro) behind her. So far her accomplice Manynames was still clothed, but once the lemon chiffon pie on the buffet was gone who knew what might unfold?
Queen Gobi_Rex and her grass skirted football team had played an impromptu game of softball on the beach, and now half the team had joined the conga, while the other half tackled the buffet. Queen Gobi herself drifted into the cavern, where she was soon joined by Queen Bailunrui and World Famous Artiste David Bowie - fresh from his latest brilliant live set on Bailunrui Island.
Bartender Beamer had set up a stall just outside the swmbo cavern, and dived into conga line. Each islander had brought a barrel of their local brew to add to the festivities - rum from Circe_Tigana island, Kahlua from Lunakornkid Land, exotic local cocktails and island brews, beautiful iced fruit drinks and clear spring water.
Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy too tired to dance after their exertions to save 'The Spuffy', sat at the bar reviving themselves with rum, accompanied by Queen Monkey, who amused herself by twirling on her bar stool and dangling upside down from the bar sign that hung above the saucy sailor's heads.
A little aside from the party, Queens Miss Murchison, Jane Davitt, Xander03 and Elinora were negotiating a complicated deal rotating the stays of Spike, James, Giles, Alan Rickman and Colin Firth upon their respective islands, while the boys in question danced rather shyly together, waiting for news.
...........
Meanwhile, back in Seattle, in the United States of America, a mysterious wisp of matter floated up the driveway of Gwyn_r, avoiding the rows of barbed wire, and skirting the newly installed snake pit, stepping across the pressure sensitive doormat and fixing a cynical eye on the electrified doorknob, opting instead to slide through the air brick beside the door. Once inside it drifted past a sleeping cat, causing a few hairs to rise on unconscious feline's back, and on up the stairs, noting the carefully placed tripwires on stairs 7, 11 and 21. Its delicate senses revealing a sprung crossbow behind the door to the left, it insinuated itself through the crack under the door - and regarded the large grey safe, padlocked in the several lengths of chain, that sat in the middle of the floor, Superplin's super sekrit notebooks nestled inside. The emanation vaporised it, effortlessly.
Hoping vaguely that when Gwyn_r celebrated New Year later that day, perhaps with a sip of wine or two, she would still retain the presence of mind to avoid all the traps and hazards she had installed in her home, Keswindhover then made her wispy way back down the stairs, out through the silent house, and was gone.
...........
Down in the swmbo cavern, which as everyone knows, is a thing of beauty, filled with sparkling crystals and stalactites and stalagmites, the party was in full swing. Kirsty McColl's 'Mambo De La Luna' was playing, and the tourista hamsters had made themselves grass skirts and were gyrating to its rhythms, supervised by a slightly worried Sal101010, who wondered if they were ever going to come down from their chocolate high.
In the secret chamber at the end of the cavern, the assembled Queens and their consorts watched the KAL versions of certain popular programmes, including the seven seasons of Buffy, five seasons of Angel and three seasons of Firefly. There was also the exciting KAL 'Pirates of the Caribbean' on show, with all the evil pirates played by raccoons. Exhausted dancers drifted in and flopped down from time to time, to cheer the heroes and boo the villains, and shed a surreptitious tear, before returning to the dancing and feasting.
Willow stood behind Beamer's bar, under the bright eyed (though upside down) gaze of Queen Monkey. Things were quiet at the moment, the customers elsewhere - except for the lightly snoring Cap'n Sisabet and Mate Saussy, who sat with their heads pillowed on the bar. Willow was mixing fresh cocktails, but two mimosas stood ready made on the table beside her.
Willow felt a presence in front of her and looked up. "Of all the bars in all the islands in all the Archipelago, she walks into mine," she said softly.
"Everyone comes to Beamer's," said Tara, smiling in the moonlight.
Willow handed her a mimosa, and they clinked glasses.
"So, fancy dancing naked round a bonfire?" said Willow, after a
long moment. "It's the in-thing round here."
The End
Contact Kes at keswindhover@yahoo.co.uk
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