Title:  Pillow Talk

Author:  Miss Murchison

Rating:  Moving up to R for language. I'll have a better reason soon.

Disclaimer:  All characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc.  Only the lame plots and dialogue herein are mine.

Notes:  A Spuffy story that starts in early Season 6 before deviating from canon.   A slight change in circumstances, a different decision or two, and you wind up with very different results.

Thanks: To Keswindhover and revdorothyl for the beta.

The story begins here.

Chapter 19

Two dusted vamps later, Buffy and Spike reached The Hill of Beans. Buffy was surprised to find a small mob of customers sitting among overturned tables and drinking coffee. George was still manning (if that was the appropriate word) the espresso machine, and Ned and Bess were passing out cookies. Nancy stood in the doorway, holding a wooden spoon with a handle that had been whittled to a sharp point. As Buffy and Spike ran up, she was gently persuading a woman to "stay and have another cup. You haven't tried the apricot latte yet."

Buffy blinked at her. "What are you doing? I thought you wanted them to leave?"

"There you are!" Nancy glared at Buffy and added a scowl for Spike. "It's been hours! We're trying to keep as many of them as we can inside, since most of those stupid bloodsuckers know better than to attack us, but we're down to our last batch of cookie dough, and George only has decaf left!"

"You’re protecting them?" Buffy looked around at the humans in the shop. Whatever they looked like normally, now they were even less attractive company than the Scoobies back at the Magic Box. Most were moaning as they sipped and snacked, and nearly all of them were in rumpled clothes covered with food spills.

"Most of our customers are humans. If we let the customers eat the stock, we lose a day’s profit. If we let the vamps eat the customers, we lose most of our trade! Besides, they've been getting more docile as they stuff themselves." Nancy shrugged. "I thought you were going to find a way to stop this."

"Buffy's found the guilty party," said Spike indignantly. "Just hasn't found out how to reverse the spell yet."

Nancy waved her spoon in front of his face. "And just how is she going to do that running up and down the street enjoying herself with you?"

Spike drew himself to his full height. "This is Slayer business. You'd think a Luzorian would understand business."

"And you'd think even one of you lazy bloodsuckers would have better things to do than get mixed up with Slayer business."

If Nancy's words hadn't struck so close to home, Buffy would have been amused by the spectacle of Spike defending her honor and the exchange of what appeared to be the demonic equivalent of ethnic insults. But she hadn't managed to stop the Great Sunnydale Snack Attack. In fact, she'd left the real job in the hands of her little sister.

She turned away and took a few steps towards the Magic Box, which took her too far from the Hill of Beans to stop the two women who tried to muscle their way into the coffee shop. She heard Nancy yell, and turned just in time to see her grab one, who was in vamp face, and make expert use of her wooden spoon. Spike, whose back had been to the street as he argued with Nancy, swung around and brought his arm across the other's chest.

The woman landed butt-first, hitting the sidewalk hard. But Spike hit the pavement even harder.

"Bloody human!" he howled, grabbing his head. Why'd you come at me like that?"

The woman was rolling on the ground whimpering. "Why'd you hit me? All I wanted was a mocha!"

Buffy felt herself go cold. She watched Spike lean on the doorpost as he pulled himself to his feet. She flinched from his angry glare.

"And you can save yourself the lecture, Slayer! Didn't know she was human, did I?"

Buffy looked away, but she still heard his snarl of indignation and his angry mutter about never being able to try hard enough to satisfy a certain bitch.

Nancy tapped her foot on the sidewalk as she watched the woman go over to argue with George, still rubbing her sore bottom but seeming far more worried about the lack of chocolate and whole milk than having been assaulted a moment earlier. "Silly thing didn't even realize a vampire was chasing her."

Buffy tried to stop thinking about the state of Spike's chip and concentrate on the state of Sunnydale. "We have to patrol. This isn't just happening downtown, and I need to make sure vampires aren't turning the neighborhoods into food courts. And I need to check in at the Magic Box, and--"

There was no way one Slayer, accompanied by a vampire with an Excedrin headache, could do everything that needed to be done. She pleaded with Nancy. "Can any of the other demons help? You said that if the humans all got eaten, you wouldn't have any customers. Maybe someone else--"

"I'll make some phone calls." Nancy handed Buffy her spoon. "Guard the door. This should be more useful than those silly sticks. I never understood how anyone could eat with those things."

Buffy realized she was still holding the chopsticks, dropped them, and took the spoon.

She knew that she should only take orders from Nancy when they involved things like chai and scones, but it felt good to rely on someone else's common sense for a few minutes. She took up her station by the door, scanning up and down the street for signs of trouble, and casting glances at Spike out of the corner of her eye. He was slouched in a corner, near the shop entrance, smoking a cigarette, and sulking.

Nancy was back faster than Buffy expected. "I started the DSBOA phone chain," she explained. "My two contacts said some of the others were sheltering humans already, but it's hard to keep them inside anywhere that doesn't have food. I know some others that won't be bothered, and one or two who will even point the vamps towards them, but I've done what I can. You have to realize that not many of us have any reason to feel sorry for your kind. And lots of them don't see much difference between half-breeds like him—" She gestured at Spike—"and the rest of you."

"DSBOA?"

"Demonic Small Business Owners Association. I didn't even try the bigger organizations. You wouldn't have a chance with them; they're mostly pro-apocalypse."

"Oh." This was far less than Buffy had hoped for and not organized enough to help her strategize. She looked at Spike. "We'd better get back out there, then. Maybe we should split up to cover more ground."

He gave her an odd glance, uttered a sound between a growl and a cough, and started retching.

"Uh, that wasn't what I meant by covering ground—" But she was stepping forward in concern before she realized Spike wasn't the only one having trouble hanging on to his last drink. Cutlery and plates smashed on the floor as customers pushed them aside in sudden disgust. Several staggered to their feet, moaning and holding their stomachs. Others were staring at their plates in horror. One was on his hands and knees. Buffy looked away from him quickly.

A glance outside showed a similar spectacle on the street. People walked along, clutching each other and looking like ads for Alka-Seltzer commercials. They were already heading out of downtown, hopefully going to homes with plenty of antacids in the medicine chests.

The Hill of Beans clientele slowly joined the exodus, stifling groans and wondering aloud how they could have eaten and drunk so much.

Buffy leaned against a wall and watched them go, hoping that the remaining vampire population was also having trouble believing it had tried to eat the whole town. She realized that she was mildly queasy herself. Swallowing hard, she turned to look at Spike, who had managed to get to his feet and take up a position next to her. "Makes me glad I didn't have much more than a Blow-Pop today."

"Makes me sorry I had about a dozen pints of pig blood."

She looked at him more closely. "Wow. I didn't know vamps could turn green."

He ran out the door, stumbling past Nancy, who was staring around her nearly empty shop. Tables were overturned, the floors were a mess, the glass display case by the cash register was smashed, and when Buffy craned her neck, it looked as if the kitchen had been raided at some point.

She looked back at Nancy and saw a tear roll down the demon's face. "I'm sorry," she said lamely. "Second night in a row—"

Ned stepped up behind Nancy and put his arms around her. "Bess and George are okay, and so are we. That’s all that really matters. We'll put the rest back together." His voice was thick and his accent stronger than Nancy’s, and Buffy understood why she’d never heard him speak in more than monosyllables before.

"Buffy!"

Dawn was running along the sidewalk. Buffy ran out to meet her and hugged her hard. "You did it!"

"Tara did it, but I made Xander find the spell, and I showed it to her, and she said, like, three words and it was all over." Dawn looked over her shoulder. "Well, the eating was over. The barfing started about a minute later. I don't have to go back there, do I?"

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