The Great Boat Race Lessons in Management Various Evolving Math Recommendation Letters Accident Reports Pay Attention Lawyer Jokes A classic

In the Beginning there was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without Form
And the Plan was completely without Substance
And The Darkness was upon the face of The Workers
And they Spake among Themselves, Saying,
"It is a Crock of Shit, And it Stinkith."

And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and Sayeth,
"It is a Pail of Dung and none may Abide the Odor Thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and Sayeth unto them,
"It is a Container of Excrement and It is very strong,
Such that None may Abide by It."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and Sayeth,
"It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and None may Abide Its Strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst Themselves, Saying One to Another,
"It contains That Which Aids Plant Growth, and It is Very Strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and Sayeth unto Them,
"It promotes Growth and is Very Powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and Sayeth unto Him,
"This New Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency of This
Company, and These Areas in Particular."

And The President looked upon The Plan
And Saw that It Was Good. And The Plan Became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....

Lesson Number One:
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:
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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss: any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four:
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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted

A committe is a group of people who individually can decide nothing, but collectively can decide to do nothing.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomirrow.

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details.

To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."

He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."

The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.

Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"

Whether or not these are true is open to debate. They're still pretty funny.

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions.

3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.

I'm pretty sure these are true.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!"

You Need A New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God�s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer. "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.