Old Dan's Place

Home

The Comedy Room

Sticky Figures

Friends & Family

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected.
Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.
He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you get when you cross a humming bird with a doorbell? ... A humdinger.
What do you get when you cross an elephunt with a rhinosoruos? ElifIno.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun. A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by. The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"

A news report indicated that women taking zinc during pregnancy had healthier babies. ... This should galvanize support for vitamins containing zinc, I suppose. Is this irony, ore what?

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't show up?
some day my prints will come.

Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said , the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.
When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
'I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going,' the owner said. 'But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job.'
'Well, I do need a job,' the Lion Tamer said. 'What animals do you have left?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' the owner said, 'the only animal I have left is my old Bassett hound.'
'I'll take him.'
The Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.
'My foot will fit,' the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.
Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.
'Encore, encore!' the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, 'If one foot is good, two is better.'
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

The moral of this story: Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

Once there was a king that ruled in a far away land. This particular king had a palace made of grass. One day the king was sitting on his throne and thought to himself,'I am king. I deserve a better throne than this.' So the king called the local throne maker and ordered him to make a better throne.

So the throne maker set to work and made the king the most beautiful throne ever. The king was very pleased, but he had a problem. He didn't have room for both thrones in his throneroom. The throne maker suggested that the king give the old throne to charity, but this king was too jealous and wouldn't have it. So he told the throne maker to just store the old throne in the attic.

Every year thereafter, the king would get a new throne and store the old one in the attic. But one day, after several years, while he was doing whatever it is a king does all day, the grass ceiling collapsed from the weight of the thrones in the attic, and the king was crushed and killed.

The moral of the story is: People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mary Poppins retired to California and has become a really good astrologer. She specializes in helping people with bad breath. Her shingle reads: 'Super California Mystic - Expert: Halitosis.'

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A party was organised for a crowd of toad-stools. It was very crowded, but they were all happy.... There wasn't mush-room, but they didn't mind because they were all such fungi's
I'm sorry. That joke was in spore taste.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

What did the stamp say to the envelope? I'm stuck on you.
that one was for BigD.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

What did one tomato say to the other? Catch up.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises

It was overheard that the USA Olympic Gold medal skier Picabo Street, is donating the money she gets from endorsements to the local hospital in Denver.
In return, they are going to name a wing of the hospital after her. It will be called: "Picabo, I.C.U."

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Back to the top