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Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. What did the first person who ate chicken tell everyone else it tasted like? I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. If we were meant to be nudists we would be born without clothes. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. You will never hear a man say " Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on". You will never hear a woman say "Hey, pull my finger!". There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't. People who drink lite beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.-Harry S. Truman What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Do you need to use a silencer to shoot a mime? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going thewrong way. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.Tomorrow isn't looking good either. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of thebread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability toreach it. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above yourprinciples. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?-- About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner If love is blind, what is the purpose of lingerie? |
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