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Drinking Problems & Answers
Problem: Unable to get any effect from a drink, front of shirt is all wet.
Answer: Insure the glass or bottle is being applied to your mouth, not another part of your face. Also, make certain your mouth is open.

Problem: Beer is pale, clear and tasteless. Even for an American beer.
Answer: Your glass is empty. Find someone to buy you another.

Problem: Feet cold and wet.
Answer: You are holding your glass incorrectly. Turn glass so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.

Problem: Feet warm and wet.
Answer: You need to make more frequent trips to the nearest restroom.

Problem: Bar blurred.
Answer: If all you can see is the bartender and/or the back of the bar, your head is laying on the bar. Sit up. Ot it could be your glass is empty. Ask someone to buy you another drink.

Problem: The bar is moving.
Answer: You are being carried out. If you are being taken to another bar, it will be better soon. If you are being taken home start preparing your excuses now.

Problem: The opposite wall looks a lot like the ceiling, complete with ceiling tiles and flourescent lights.
Answer: You have fallen over backwards. Don't panic, someone will be by soon to either stand you upright, set you back at the bar or take you home (see the above problem).

Problem: The room is dark and your teeth hurt.
Answer: You have fallen over forwards. Same as for falling over backwards.

Problem: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Answer: You have spent the night in the gutter.

The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
-- Author unknown

Myth of the Coca-Cola
Zeus sat upon his lofty throne among the heights of Olympus. The day had gone quite slowly as there were no women to seduce and no men to torture, and because of his boredom Zeus felt a growing hunger festering in his belly.

"Hermes, I call upon thee!" shouted Zeus in his thundering voice. Upon his call Hermes came running to his brother's side
.
"Why is it you brought me here Zeus? Perhaps you wish me to deliver a message to Hades, or perhaps one to your pestering wife? Whatever it is that you ask I shall speed away on wings of gold and bring your desires to a cease." Hermes was always quick to endear himself to the powerful Zeus.

"If you might quiet yourself for one moment I would be delighted to tell you what it is I ask of you." Zeus waited for a moment to be certain his brother had stopped his ramblings and continued, "I need you to bring to me the almighty food of the gods, the sweet nectar of immortality, the everlasting ambrosia. Make haste, brother.

At this Hermes sped away, his winged shoes gone in a flash. His return was so quick it could hardly be thought of as a moment. What Zeus saw when he came back was not pleasing to the king of the gods.

"Hermes, you incessant fool, why is it that you return with empty hands and a look of unmasked fear painted across your face?" His anger was overtly apparent to the messenger.

"I'm sorry brother. There was no ambrosia within the clouds. I looked dearly, but could not find a single ounce." Hermes held his head in shame and was about to walk away, but Zeus called him back.

"Bring to me Apollo." At this simple request, Hermes was off into the clouds.

When Apollo arrived at the gods' home he went directly to Zeus's throne. There he sat, his majestic torso glowing with the radiance of the gods.

"Hermes informed me of the tribulations you are experiencing. What is it that you hope I can do?" asked the perplexed Apollo.

"You are the god of medicine, and as it appears, there is no longer any ambrosia for the gods to feast upon. I brought you here to ask of you a remedy to our plight. Create for us something that will replace the ambrosia we so dearly love. Pronto." With this Apollo was off to please Zeus.

He knew he would need help to create this thing which would take the place of the sweet ambrosia. He first went to Zeus's brother Poseidon. The sea nymphs surrounded him in glory, and his chariot lay not far away.

Apollo addressed him with the utmost respect, "Poseidon, great god of the sea, I come to ask of you a great favor. The gods are in uproar over the disappearance of the ambrosia, and Zeus has called upon me to find something which might replace the food of the gods. I need from you the aspect of liquid, and the flowing unending motion it inspires. Will you do this for me and for all the gods?" "If it will bring about the end to this misery, then I will most surely help." Again Apollo left to find the next part of the equation he would need to solve the problem.

He searched the world over for the god of wine, Dionysus. When he did find him, he began to plead once more for help. "Dionysus, god of wine, I have a request you most surely cannot deny. For the sake of the gods, I ask you to give me the intoxicating effect of wine, and the appealing draw that it has." He continued to tell him the reason for his request, and Dionysus agreed without hesitation.

Apollo knew his job was not complete, and he realized that liquid and intoxication could not exist without something to contain them. He then went to Hephaestus to plead his case.

"Hephaestus, god of fire and forge, I ask of you to create a something which could contain both smooth liquid and undeniable intoxication." Apollo told the terrible tale once again to Hephaestus, and he could not deny this task.

Apollo then worked for many suns and moons until he had the exact mixture which would appeal to the gods. He placed the mixture into the canister Hephaestus had forged. He then named this creation Coca-Cola, which means in Greek - sweet nectar of everlasting life. And so was the creation of that blessed drink.

One Too Many
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

DO-RE-MI+ BEER, A Little Beer Song, by Homer J Simpson sing along now ...... DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer... RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, FAR..... the distance to my beer. SO...... I think I'll have a beer. LA...... La, la la la la beer TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

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