Count Zero's "Harmless" Joke Collection
Last updated: 12/20/96
These are some of my favorite jokes I have collected over the years. They are not in any particular order, so you might want to search for key words if you are looking for a specific subject. I apologize in advance if you find any of these offensive. Keep in mind, these are just jokes, not necessarily a true representation of my opinion or my prejudices (of which I have none).
New jokes will be added to the top of this file so you can find them first. I may or may not delete jokes from the bottom as I go, depending on space.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family from Minnesota was visiting Woodfield Mall in Chicago. The man and his son were wandering around while the mother shopped.
They came upon some very pretty silver doors that would split in the middle and move to either side to reveal a small room on the other side.
"What is that, father?" asked the young boy.
"I have never seen anything like it in my life." replied the man.
Pretty soon an old lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall, and the doors opened. She stepped inside and the doors closed. They watched little lights above the doors go up and then come back down. The doors opened and a voluptuous young blonde woman stepped out and walked away.
Then the man said to his son "GO GET YOUR MOTHER! QUICK!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Minnesotans walk into a bar, and the first one says "B L".
The bartender says "What the heck is B L?"
Comes the reply: "Duh! Bud Light!"
The second one says "M L".
The bartender says "Allright, what the heck is M L?"
Comes the reply: "Duh! Miller Light!"
The third one says "Fifteen".
The bartender says "You got me there, what's that?"
Comes the reply: "Duh! Seven and seven!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After
picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like the extra
chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he
does not have the extra money and is now afraid that the chrome will
rust as soon as it gets wet.
The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that
will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains & everything
will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily
agrees and the date is set.
At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her
parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family
tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen
minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and
kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...
Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the
table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And no one says a word...
Now he is getting desperate so he grabs her mother and throws her on the
table. They have even wilder sex.
And no one says a word...
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when
he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the
chrome on his Harley so he reaches in his back pocket, pulls out his
Vaseline...
And the father says "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was
very upset and insisted on going on honeymoon with the couple.
"Okay, okay," Casey shouted to the parrot. "You can come
along, but I don't want you looking. You gotta promise that you'll look
the other way when we're making love....and if you break your promise,
you'll get nothing to eat." Not wanting to be left at home, the
parrot readily agreed and kept his face turned toward the wall all night
as Casey and Darlene made love.
In the morning as he was packing their suitcase, Casey said to
Darlene, "I can't get it all in, darling. You'll have to sit on it.
No, that won't work either. I'll get on top and press down. No, I
still can't do it that way, but I have another idea. Why don't we both
get on top?"
And the parrot said, "Food or no food...this I gotta see."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild
blue yonda when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son " Son you keep your
distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they
were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoo went right into the side of Mamma
Down she went screaming out swim son save yourselffffffffff......
Several months later son and his girlfriend were fornicating around, when off
in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat. Thinking of his
mother, son sort for a plan to get his revenge. Son said to his girlfriend
"Girlfriend if we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and
sink it." She agreed and off they went, BLOW SPURT BLOW SPURT. And down it
went, then son came up with another idea, "Look at the sailors the're
swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma's death, Let's eat
them up" but the girfriend replied "Hey I helped you with the blow job,
but I'm stuffed if I'm gonna swallow the seamen".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two good old boys were driving down I-75 in Georgia, USA when one of
them spotted a sigh that said *FREE SEX WITH EVERY TANK FULL OF GAS!*
Being almost empty, they decided to stop.
When they pulled up to the pump, a man came out of the station and said
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, THE DRIVER SAID, WE WOULD LIKE A TANK OF GAS.
The man filled up the tank and said, THAT WILL BE $22.53.
AND YOU STOP IN AGAIN.
WAIT, SAID THE DRIVER, YOUR SIGH ON THE EXPRESS WAY SAID *FREE SEX..*
OH, YEAH. PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 10.
The driver said, TWO.
SORRY, IT WAS SIX, said the man.
The passenger of the car said, CAN I PLAY TOO?
CERTAINLY, PICK A NUMBER.
FOUR.
NOPE, I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT WAS SIX.
The two men drove off, and the passenger said, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE JUST
BEEN HAD. THIS WAS JUST A TRICK TO GET US IN HERE TO BUY GAS. THERE IS
NO FREE SEX!
The driver said, NO, I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT, MY WIFE WAS IN HERE TWICE
LAST WEEK AND SHE WON BOTH TIMES!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gorilla escapes from the zoo one day and runs into a suburban area,
where it climbs up a tree belonging to one Mr. Jones and won't come down.
Naturally, Jones is a bit worried about the gorilla, and so calls the
local gorilla exterminator.
The exterminator arrives with a shotgun and a big mean doberman. "Mr.
Jones, isn't it? I hear you have a gorilla problem. Well, you see, my
assistant is out sick today, and I could use your help. Can you take me
to the gorilla, first of all?"
Jones leads the exterminator to the tree where the gorilla is. "Okay,"
says the exterminator. "I'll need you to hold the shotgun. I'm going to
loose the dog, and climb up this tree. When I get to the gorilla, I'll
give the branch a good shake and he'll come falling out of the tree.
Once he does, ol' Fido here is trained to jump on the gorilla and bite
good and hard into his testicles, and he'll be helpless while I put the
chains on him."
"I see," says Jones. "But, then, what is the gun for?"
"Oh, the gun is the most important part," says the exterminator. "If, by
some chance, *I* should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla --
SHOOT THE DOG!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill and Hillary are at this baseball game waiting for the game to start.
One of the secret service agents bends over and whispers in Bill's ear.
Bill jumps up, grabs hillary and throws her as hard as he can out onto the
field. NO,NO Mr. President says the S.S. agent,
I said "first Pitch!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man feeling poorly goes to the doctor only to be told that
unless he changes his lifestyle, he will shortly die. He describes how
he works in downtown New York and takes the train daily the 10 miles to
work.
The doctor suggests he buy a convertible to get additional fresh
air instead of taking the train. He does so and after a week he reports
back to the doctor feeling none the better.
The doctor suggest he step up the pace by bicycling into work
instead of using the convertible. The man protests because of the long
distance but gives in feeling he has no choice if wants to continue
living. He rides the bike for a week, parking daily in the underground
parking, and then reports to the doctor that he feels no better at all.
The doctor calls for drastic measures and tells the man to buy a
hoop and a stick. The man complains bitterly but finally agrees. For
the next week he hoops his way downtown, parks in the underground
parking, walks the 40 flights to his office and then hoops his way home
at night. At the end of this week he reports to the doctor that he feels
great.
It is agreed that he will continue for several weeks and then
gradually move back to the bicycle, convertible and then the train. A
few days later he finds his hoop mangled in his parking spot. The
parking attendant explains that someone has backed over the hoop, but
that the man should not worry because the garage has full insurance
coverage. " Insurance be damned." the man replies " How will I get
home".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a boy who lost his left eye in an accident. I think he shot it
out with a BB gun. His parents were too poor to buy him a glass eye but
found a doctor who could provide a wooden eye that was affordable. The
wood eye looked less than realistic and the boy was very self-conscious
about it and consequently didn't socialize much. The big school dance
was coming up and his friends asked if he planned to attend. He said
"No I don't think so. I would be too embarrassed because of my wooden
eye." They finally reassured him that no one would pay any attention to
his eye and convinced him to go to the dance. At the dance he remained
off to the side afraid to confront any of the girls and ask them to dance.
His friends kept encouraging him but he would say "I don't know what she
would think about my wooden eye." After a while his friends noticed a
girl across the room who was also shyly standing off to the side. Looking
closer they noticed that she wasn't unattractive but did have a serious
hairlip. They went to their friend and said "Look! There is a girl across
the room with a hairlip. She is obviously just as self conscious as you
are and certainly won't be offended by your wooden eye. Go ask her to
dance." After some apprehension he finally worked up his courage and took
the long walk across the dance floor and approached the hairlipped girl.
He said "Would you like to dance with me?" The girl excitedly replied
"Boy, would I!" The boy immediately screamed back "Girl hairlip!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What am I supposed to do?" a young man asked his friend. "Every
woman I bring home to meet my parents my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find
someone who's just like your mother."
"I already tried that," the young man moaned. "My father didn't
like her!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe was a 35 year old bachelor. His one interest in life was his cat, Max. He had been avoiding a business trip for months because he didn't trust anyone to watch Max for him. Finally his boss told him that he HAD to make a trip to the other coast for over two weeks. In desperation he called his brother.
"You've got to take care of Max," he told his brother.
"No problem," his brother said absently.
"No I'm serious. You have to take care, good care of Max."
Filled with trepedations, he left for California leaving Max with his brother. As soon as the bell hop dropped his bags and closed the door he was on the phone to his brother.
"How's Max doing," He asked.
"Max died," his brother said.
He dropped the phone without saying another word. He was barely able to handle his work for two days and was in a daze the rest of the time. Finally, he calls is brother back.
"I have to say this. Don't interupt," He began. "Max was very special to me. How could you just blurt out, 'he's dead'? You could at least have broken it to be gently. You could have begun with, 'Max is on the roof, but don't worry, we'll get him down,' and then when I called next you could have told me, 'Max is at the vet, but we think everything will be ok,' and then the next time I called, "Max passed away quietly this morning.'"
"You're right," his brother admitted, "I should have thought it out more. I'm sorry."
"Good. At least we got that straight!" He said, "How's mom?"
"Mom's up on the roof..." his brother began.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier into the office and said,
"Kramer, your grandmother died."
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books home that could help you deliver the sad news to someone."
The lieutenant read the half dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis.
Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."
"Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys were driving down a country road when they passed by a sheep that had gotten it's head caught in the fence. The driver of the truck stops and says "That is an opportunity I can't pass up." So he gets out of the truck, hops over the fence and has his way with the sheep.
The other guy in the truck says "That looked like fun, do you mind if I give it a go?" "Nah, go ahead" says the first. So he gets out of the truck, hops over the fence and sticks his head into the fence.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two morons decide to go fishing on a lake in Minnesota. They go out and buy the best fishing poles, tackle, and bait they can find. They rent the biggest boat they can find, and go out on the lake. After 11 hours of driving to different spots and getting nothing but silence, not even a nibble, they finally hit the jackpot. The fish are practically jumping into the boat. But the sun is going down, and they have to get the boat back. Before leaving, they decide thay'll have to rent a boat again and come back to this spot. One of them says:
"How are we going to find this spot again tomorrow?"
"No problem." Says the other, and he gets a large black marker out of his tackle box and draws a big "X" on the floor of the boat.
"You idiot!" says the first. "What makes you think we'll get the same boat tomorrow?!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many programmers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None, that's obviously a hardware problem.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many Computer hardware tech's does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Gotta be a software problem.
A2: Gee, I never saw this model before.
A3: Hardware tech's don't change light bulbs, they install LED's.
A4: Sorry, I don't have that part on the truck, we'll have to order it from the factory - It'll take 4 weeks as they're on strike.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, and one to kill him and take the credit.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Q: How many people from California does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why don't you just let us remove the entire socket - you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later."
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "None of your %@$!^# business!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was married to a sports nut, and she figured the only way she'd get to see him was to start going to the games with him. So the next time he had tickets to a baseball game, she announced she was going with him.
"Okay," He says reluctantly, "But you've got to promise not to embarrass me. Just sit there and watch, and don't say anything or ask me any stupid questions."
She agrees, and off they go to the game. After a while of watching what he was doing and not saying a thing, she started to really enjoy the game. Everytime a batter for the team in white hit the ball with the stick, her husband would jump up and yell "RUN! RUN! RUN!" So she started doing the same thing.
But she was confused when one batter threw down his stick and started walking to the base, so she jumped up and yelled "RUN! RUN! RUN!".
"NO! NO! NO!" says the husband. "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls!"
So the woman jumps up and yells "STRUT, STRUT, STRUT!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a prudent married couple who could not bring themselves to use the word "sex" or "intercourse" so they decided whenever one of them wanted to make love, they would ask the other if they wanted to do the laundry.
One night, after they were in bed for a short while, the husband rolls over and says "Do you want to do the laundry?" Well, it had been a long day for the wife, and she really didn't feel like it, so she declined. After about 15 minutes of laying there feeling guilty and not sleeping, she rolls over and says "Let's do the laundry." Came the reply:
"It was a small load, so I did it by hand."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a long, grueling ride through the desert, The Lone Ranger and Tonto (faithful indian companion) come to a small town. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto: "Silver here is really hot and tired. I want you to run around him flapping your arms to cool him off whilst I enter yon saloon for a drink."
After several minutes of relaxing in the saloon, drinking his milk, a man comes in through the swinging doors and asks who owns the white horse tied up out front. The Lone Ranger responds: "That would be me." Then the guy says:
"Well, you left your injun runnin!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger was captured and held hostage by a mean group of outlaws. On the first day, the meanest outlaw says to the Lone Ranger: "At sunrise on the third day we're gonna hang you from that tree over yonder." The Lone ranger responds: "Well, would you grant me one final wish? I'd like to talk to my horse." The outlaw agrees, and they bring Silver over to him. He whispers into Silver's ear and the horse takes off. About an hour later, the horse shows up with a beautiful brunette, and she and the Lone Ranger go off and make out.
The meanest of the outlaws comes over afterwards, and says: "At sunrise on the second day we're gonna hang you from that tree over yonder." The Lone ranger responds: "Well, would you grant me another wish? I'd like to talk to my horse again." The outlaw agrees, and they bring Silver over to him. He whispers into Silver's ear and the horse takes off. About an hour later, the horse shows up with a beautiful blonde, and she and the Lone Ranger go off and make out.
The meanest of the outlaws comes over afterwards, and says: "At sunrise tomorrow we're gonna hang you from that tree over yonder." The Lone ranger responds: "Well, would you grant me another wish? I'd like to talk to my horse again." The outlaw agrees, and they bring Silver over to him. He whispers into Silver's ear: "Now listen, you stupid animal this is your last chance. I said bring me a POSSE!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of friends who hadn't seen each other in years meet on the street and they decide to have a couple of drinks and catch up on things.
The first guy says: "I joined the air force and learned to fly, but I hated that parachute jumping stuff."
The second guy replies "Oh yeah, why is that?"
"Well," says the first guy, "the training itself wasn't too bad, but when it came time to jump out of the plane, I was nervous. The light turned green and all the other guys jumped, but when it came to my turn I just couldn't do it. Man, was the seargent pissed. He threatened to throw me out of the plane, but I still wouldn't jump, so he said he'd make me drop my pants and take him up the butt!"
"Oh, man!" says the second guy. "Did you jump?"
The first guy replies "A little, at first."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three worst Chinese torture tests
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten
anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to
sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the
chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes
and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever
known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was
an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,
it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl
had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and
well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on
his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window
is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left
testicle tied to bedpost".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farmer Scott boasted to his friend Jason that his dog could count.
Jason said "Prove it" and to make things more interesting, they put a
wager on it. Calling the dog into the barn, he asked the dog "How many
cows we got in here?". The dog looked around and then ran around in a
circle three times. Sure enough, there were three cows in the barn.
Unconvinced, Jason wanted more proof. They walked out to the farm pond
and Scott asked "How many ducks on that pond?". The dog studied the
pond for a few seconds and then ran around in a circle five times.
"Five ducks" says Scott, "He's right again". Still not completely
convinced, Jason asks the dog "How many squirrels in that tree over
there?" The dog studies the tree for several minutes and then starts
humping Scott's leg. Then he picks up a branch and starts swinging it
around. "See, he's dumber than toast" says Jason. "No," replies
Scott. "He said there are more f*cking squirrels than you can shake a
stick at".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a long hard day of work, the travelling salesman came to a farm
house and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, sir, but is there any
possibility that I could spend the night here for a fee?"
"Sure you can," said the farmer, "but it might be a bit cramped, you'll
have to share the bed with my son Luke."
The salesman frowned "Just my luck, I come all this way and I'm in the
wrong damn joke."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a full night of drinking, Jim had a full bladder. Asking the
bartender for directions, the bartender replied "You go to the back,
turn right, turn to your left and go in the first door to your left".
Setting out, Jim went to back, turned right, and went the first door to
the right, falling down an elevator shaft under repair. Hearing his
cries for help, another patron came to his aid.
"You okay, Jim?" he said. Jim replies "Yeah, but for Christ's sake,
don't flush!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waking up with a terrible hangover after the company Christmas party,
Jim said to his wife "Wow, I got so drunk last night I can't remember a
thing that happened".
"Just as well," his wife replies. "You got into an argument with your
boss and he fired you."
"He did ? Well, screw him!" he says.
His wife replies "I did, you go back to work Monday".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are out camping. Alseep in their tent, one man cries out in
pain. The other one wakes up just in time see a poisonous snake
slithering out of the other man's sleeping bag. "A snake just bit me
on the dick!" says the stricken man. "Run to a phone and call a
doctor!" he says. So the man runs two miles to nearest phone, calls
the doctor and asks what to do about poison snake bite. "Listen
carefully" says the doctor. "You must take a knife and cut an X over
the bite marks and suck out the poison or your friend will die." The
man runs back to the campsite. "What did the doctor say?" he asks.
The friend replies "You're gonna die."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club for the first
time, and on the eigth hole he shoots a hole in one. As he takes the
ball out of the cup, a genie appears and says "This is a very exclusive
country club, and it has everything, including the services of a genie
if you get a hole in one on the eigth green. You have one wish."
"Great, give me a longer dick" he replies. "Done" says the genie.
Sure enough, as he is walking to the next tee, he can feel it getting
longer, but it doesn't stop. It grows until it protrudes from the
bottom of his shorts, and when it reaches his ankles, he decides that
may not have been such a good idea. So he goes back to the club house
and gets a large bucket of balls. He stands on the eigth tee and keeps
hitting until finally he gets another hole in one. As he takes the
ball out of the cup, a genie appears and says "This is a very exclusive
country club, and it has everything, including the services of a genie
if you get a hole in one on the eigth green. You have one wish."
The guy says "Could you make my legs longer?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor because he's having trouble getting a bowel
movement. The doctor recognizes the symptoms immediately and prescribes
some suppositories. "These should clear it up, but if you still have
the problem after a week, come back and see me." After a week, the man
comes back and says the problem has not improved. The doctor asks if
he has been using the suppositories as prescribed.
"Yes, I have been taking three a day" says the man.
"Taking?" says the doctor. "You mean you've been eating them?"
The man replies: "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them up
my ass?!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped
the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon
said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in
four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got
done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went
to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's
down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was
John, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam
put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the
surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in
twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm
sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The
surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that
plastic bag!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do "light" and "hard" have in common.
You can't sleep with a light on either.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moron's favorite joke:
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I remember the first time I used the bottle as a substitute for women"
says one drunk to another.
"Oh yeah, why?" says the other.
"I got it stuck in the bottle".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones
waving in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, fetch me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear, feeling that I am
invulnerable."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, shall I go and fetch your red shirt?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "No, first mate.... fetch me
my brown pants!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gramma and Grampa are sitting out on the front porch one day in their
rockers, when Grampa says to Gramma, "F*ck you!"
Well, they sit there in silence and rocking for a while and then
Gramma says, "F*ck you!".
Again the silence and rocking continues for quite some time
and Grampa speaks up and says, "This oral sex ain't all its cracked
up to be......."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who
led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire
world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted
him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may
pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all
parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discression
meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior
appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and confounded theologins through the ages, are there
perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God
and the prophets of old?" "I would love to see what was actually said,
without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediatly ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and
settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediatly several of the Saints and Angels game running to the Pope's side
to learn the cause of his dismay.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchament,
Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!"
"Look, the word is CELIBRATE, not CELIBATE"!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes into a cafe, orders a coffee, 75 cents, drinks it and flings 3
quarters on the counter. The waiter, somewhat frosted, picks up the coins.
The next day, the same thing happens. And the next day, same thing. This farce
continues for a month. Then one day, the man comes in, orders his 75-cent
coffee, and pays for it with a dollar bill. The surprised waiter takes the
money, and to reap his revenge on the customer, slings out the change in 25
pennies scattered all over the counter. He's savoring his victory when the
guy pulls out two more quarters and says, "Waiter, one more coffee!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a small boy, who was certain he was the greatest human being alive,
decided to become the greatest baseball batter in history. So he took his
little bat and ball out to the backyard. He tossed the ball up and swung
at it and missed badly. Frustrated and angry, he picked up the ball and
tried it again, but missed it again with his best home run swing. Very
angry now, he tried it again, while really concentrating, but still missed
it badly.
Suddenly his face brightened, and he thought to himself,
"Gee, I must be the world's greatest pitcher!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me
$5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his
doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of
any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old
was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your
grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would
want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he WANTED to get married?..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked
him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied.
"Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop seeing
his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill.
"The prick didn't sign his name!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the
sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the
gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.
The sales manager stepped in.
SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
C : I guess so. I'll take one.
SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
C : Um, okay.
SM: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass
when it starts growing too long.
C : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant.
"You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than
what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he
was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
MAN: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
SA : Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
MAN: Why would I want to do that?
SA : Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud
noises coming from his parents bedroom. He got out of
bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises
had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little
Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father
removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what
he could tell his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion
and said, "Well, what are you doing? F*cking them?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his
train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the
door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him
saying,
"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train.
And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to
change seats, change seats now 'cause the trains getting ready to
leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up,
you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours.
After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he
could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he
understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he
went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the
train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to
get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who
are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in
the kitchen.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and
the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter
spits in his hands and rubbs them against each
other, grabs a chunck of ground beef from a dirty
bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the
grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his
armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on
the grill.
The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend
and says "god damn that is gross". The friend
says "that's nothing, you should see how he makes
the donuts".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he recieved a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own
a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding
computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at
all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was
much more better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview,
the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man
was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you are wearing
contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked "Wow! That's quite
perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy answered "Easy. You
can't wear eye glasses. You don't have any f*cking ears!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At some college, there was a lab where all the students were
learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were
using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth.
One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell
she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the
teaching assistant to identify it.
The TA came over, smirked, and exclaimed (loud enough for everyone to hear)
"Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get
it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet
for advice.
The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but
that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that this
was rather expensive.
The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file
enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the
bird will drown while drinking his water.
The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks
later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down.
He inquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.
"Did you try to file his beak" asked the vet. The man nods his head.
"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"
"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the
importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in
the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-arse student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with:
"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other
hand."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks along a lonely beach.
Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, lets open the thing. He finds a rock with which to
destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of
gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away , so the man takes the chest
and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to
one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
.....
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: DAMN !
------------------------------------------------------------------------
First man: How'd you get that black eye?
Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.
1st: She punched you?
2nd: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, it seems that these three soldiers, a captain, a seargent
and a private, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As
the final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape
his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the captain
is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is
being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape
by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and
then running away.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1", the captain
shouts, " F L O O D !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their
rifles and turn around searching for the on-rush of water. In all of this
confusion, the captain manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the captain
has made his way deep into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes
of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.
The seargent is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing
the captain's success, the seargent decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood'
trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1", the seargent
shouts, " H U R R I C A N E !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up
from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In
all of the confusion, the seargent manages to take off his blindfold and
run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the
seargent has made his way deep into the woods. Again, of course, for the
purposes of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.
The private is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing
his predecessor's successes, the private decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or
the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural
disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1", the private
shouts, " F I R E !!!!........".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts
of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:
"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."
He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young
lady emerges.
"Do you work here?",he asks.
"Yes",she replied.
"And is the statement ao the sign over there true?"
The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."
"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"
"I do," said the lady.
"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound
of tomatoes?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of
the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the
corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood
back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a
coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla
bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his shoulder
to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you
guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it.
He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything
he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his
right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the
guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat the crap out of him,
then threw him back out of the cage. After hearing all the commotion, the
zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper.
"I don't know, he seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was
jumping around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden
after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell
out of me."
"Well no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That" (pulls lower eyelid down)
"means F*CK YOU in gorilla talk!"
"Oh" said the man not quite satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag.
Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around
and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag
and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted
the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and
also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife
and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag
with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came
down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!" At this, the gorilla
simply looked at the man and pulled down his lower eyelid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored
me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and
this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love
another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did YOU make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing.
The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving stuff. I can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.
They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your
pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet
and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few
deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Tomorrow we move on to 'B'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was
ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.
Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction
she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.
I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?
Where were you stung?
Between the first and second hole!
Beverly, we need to work on your stance...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three married couples, aged 20,30,40 years old, want to join the Orthodox
Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest
informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one
small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all
agree to try.
A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He
asks the 40 year old couple how they did. "Well, it wasn't too hard. I
spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty
of other things to do. We did OK." the husband said.
"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did
you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple.
"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered. "We thought about it all
the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we
were celibate for the entire month."
"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about
you?", he asked the 20 year old couple.
"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week.", he said
sheepishly. "By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one
day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce and when she
bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."
"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church."
"Yeah, and we're not too welcome in that grocery store anymore either!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to Confession and said to the priest : "Forgive me, Father.
I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word.
After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed
straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the
woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration,
my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot
out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a
perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball
stopped three inches from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still calm."
"DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE F*CKING PUTT!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a bar looking extremely depressed and somewhat
intoxicated. At one point he begins pouring his beer into his
cupped hand.
The guy next to him asks, "Hey buddy, whaddya doin'?"
The dejected man replies, "Getting my date drunk."
About half an hour later, the down and out man is suddenly thrusts
his entire hand into a nearby pitcher of beer.
The guy next to him asks, "Whaddya doin' now?"
The man replies, "Getting my date REALLY drunk."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently this woman's minature schnauzer had an infection
in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown
hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the
hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store
and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an
appropriate product. He went on about how some were better
for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for
removing facial hair. He then said "May I ask where you
intend to use this?"
She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."
He said "Well OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOD DAMN FISH
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking by and said "Wow what a huge god damn fish"! The sister said
"Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that im a nun", and the man said "But
thats the name of it, a god damn fish".
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother
Superior look at the huge god damn fish I caught". The Mother Superior
said "Sister you shouldnt talk like that", and the sister said "But
Mother Superior, thats the name of it, a god damn fish". So the Mother
Superior said "Well give me the god damn fish and I'll clean it".
While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said
"Monsignor look at the god damn fish that the sister caught". The
monsignor said "Mother Superior you shouldn't talk like that", and the
Mother Superior said "But thats the name of it, a god damn fish". So
the monsignor said "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said
"Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the god damn
fish". And Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish". And the
monsignor said "I cooked the god damn fish".
And the new priest said "I like this f*cking place already!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls.
As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing a few
years ago, I would have a seat today."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets?
A. From running their fingers through their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work,
work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day
at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at
3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there
on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and
digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says,
"Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15.....
I almost got caught!!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of
the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear,
pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one!".
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't
you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale:
"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in,
and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened
before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of
minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans
over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested? I couldn't believe this was
happening! I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand, and starts
walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good
to be true!"
"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing!
I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon
as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone
starts fumbling with the door."
The blonde says "Ohmygod, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling
match tonight, he's gonna be real mad! Quick, HIDE!"
"So, I opened at the closet, but I figured that was probably he first place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I
figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could here the key in the lock.
I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my
fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this
point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who
you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to
bed and calm down'. Well the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear
the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm
glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it
across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."
"Then I here him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh boy,
I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long
time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a
sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right
on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my
scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut
over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess,
I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you
off?"
"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only
about 6 inches off the ground!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and orders a double-whiskey.
After downing it quickly, he orders another.
Curious, the bartender asks: "What's the occasion?"
"My first blow job" the man replies.
"Congratulations! Let me buy the next round" says the bartender.
"Nah, if those two drinks can't get the tase out of my mouth, nothing will."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day in a public toilets, a man was washing his hands when he hears a voice
of despair comming from one of the cubicals:"Oh no", it exclaimed,"there's no
toilet paper left! I wish somebody would do something about this!"
Upon hearing this, the man shouted back,"Well, you have a tongue in your head
don't you?"
"Yes", came the reply, "but I don't have a neck like a bloody giraffe!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other,
"There is no toilet paper over here - do you have any over there?"
The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any either"
The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"
The second man says, "No, sorry!"
The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young officer was posted to an army detachment in the
desert. On his tour of the facility with the master sergent, he
noticed a group of camels. "What are those for?" "The men use them
when they want to have sex..." "Don't say another word, sergent.
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Get rid of
those camels immediately!" "Yes, sir."
A few weeks went by and the young officer began to get rather
horny. He called the sergent over and asked "Where are the camels
we used to have?" The sergent replied that he had sold them to a
Bedouin that camped nearby. "Take me to them, please."
The officer and the sergent went over to the Bedouin camp and
found the camels. The officer told the sergent to leave him alone
with the camels, then picked out the most attractive one, and
proceeded to have sex with the camel.
On the way back to the camp, the officer asked, "Sergent, do the men
actually enjoy sex with the camels?" The sergent looked at the
officer in astonishment and exclaimed, "I don't know! They use them
to ride into town where the girls are!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school
work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's
true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want
a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A freshman was at Princeton on his first day of school. He was looking
for the library and didn't know where to find it. He saw a gentleman in
a knit sweater, and the freshman figured him for an upper classman. So
he approached the man and asked, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the
library is at?"
The upper classman snootily responded, "My dear boy, at Princeton, we do
not end our sentences with a preposition."
The freshman considered this for a moment, then said, "Fine. Can you tell
me where the library is at, asshole?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the
office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my
husband is at work."
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do
whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a
little distraught:
"Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he
could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual
lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see
the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits the ball into the
fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green
to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the
other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing
the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't determine which ball
was which. They decided to ask the course pro to decide their fate.
After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,
"which one of you used the yellow one"?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman was on the verge of death. She asked her seven children to
leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband. She said:
"I have something to confess..."
"Yes?"
"You know our seventh child, little Joe?..."
"He's not MINE?!!!"
"No, HE is yours."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to
go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part
of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a
large house.
"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you
need done."
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks
speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant
entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition
in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes
dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it
was a Ferarri."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and
baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and
baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night.
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa
stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork
and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork
didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in,
baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama
stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home
by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in
until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa
stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged
himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the hell out of college students," replied baby stork.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was aggitated and
asked her what was wrong.
"The busdriver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
------------------------------------------------------------------------